mid-life crisis in my late thirties

[coreandpeace]

This is my first time on mumsnet and i have been reading posts. wish i'd joined before. I'm desperately sad about how my life has turned out in terms of work/finances/social. I have a loving husband ready to help and 2 great little kids who are a lot of work - but i dont know how to turn things around. Each day is taken up by so much 'family/household' stuff that time is ticking by and i am slowly losing my inspiration and motivation for anything! I just want to hide away but even that makes me feel worse as am really not acheiving anything. I thought i would be in a much better place by now than I am. I look at a lot of capable women and wonder how the hell they do it - when i can only just about manage 2 children and a little bit of work. sorry to moan - need to connect to anyone who might know how i'm feeling or how to change my situation?
thank you

I know where you are coming from coreandpeace, it can be difficult. I too have 2 young children, and work aswell. Not much time, energy and money for a social life. Do you see friends often?

I feel similarly and a friend of mine recently said 'why not just embrace it', ie, accept that whilst your DC are young that your life will be all about them.

What sort of things did you enjoy before ?

i see some friends but cant keep up with everyone and dont see people much as a family. Would like to do more group socialising but dont have the energy to organise it or to tidy up afterwards!

i keep trying to emabrace it - i have been told that so many times but i feel there is so much more to me and so many things i am capable of that it drives me crazy not doing it all.

Nothing very practical to add coreandpeace but you are not alone - lots of people feel like this and it is very easy to loose a sense of who you are when all your time and energy is spent on looking after the family. Hang in there and it will get better as the DC's get older.

What age are your DC's? Once they start school it will be easier to get some time to re-discover yourself. Do you work, or have any hobbies that you can fit in? Try to remember what you used to do before and see if you can make a bit of time for yourself.

Is money stopping you from doing things? It can seem like everything revolves around the kids and the house. How much do you work?

i enjoyed sport, work, seeing friends, cinema... alot of which has stopped - i could make more effort to so some of those things but have become a little lazy and disheartened.. thanks for letting me know more people feel the same - even that can help

How old are your kids?

I could never give up my social life so apart from when I was exclusively BFing I have always gone out at least once a month. I tend to socialise seperately from DH a lot (he is more of a homebody) so he stays with the kids so I can get out. Is this an option for you?

Do you work? It helps to get out and use your brain for a bit. Also I try and make sure all housework is done during the week so the weekend is mainly free to relax and have fun then maybe a quick tidy on Sunday evening.

It is a million times easier when they are both at school though!

kids are 7 and 2. money is definately stopping a lot which really drives me crazy. i only work 1 day a week and would like to do more. i'm self employed and cant seem to make the time to do marketing etc to get more work - a never ending circle that doesnt go anywhere

Just read your last post. Don't let yourself become resigned to it. I send a text to my girlfriends regularly just saying lets meet up for a drink and everyone always say yes. People often get too laid back about their social lives when they have kids. I tend to kick people in the arse and they are always grateful when they are sitting in the pub, glass of wine in hand

Could you get a part time job doing something else if the marketing part of your business is too stressful right now?

thank you angryfeet, i should pencil in 1 night a month to go out - certainly an option, seeing girlfriends always perks me up but i let it slide

You need to help yourself, sorry to sound blunt but the more you do the better you could feel. Even just once every three weeks, meeting with a few friends at night (no kids) for a drink or cinema or a fave sport. It's easy to get out of a cycle, sometimes thinking your friends can't be bothered also. But when you talk you can find that they are craving the same as you.

Do it, you will feel so much better. Is everything ok husband wise?!

i've l;ooked for part time work and after childcare i'll earna bout £2 /hr - is it worth it? i cant decide - still money but a lot of effort for not a lot??

You need to ask yourself if you will gain more that just money from working part-time. It may just be enough to help you break the circle and start to get out and about again.

I think it is totally normal to feel like this with little dc's. I am having counselling at the moment for various reasons but one thing we have discussed is this exact predicament.

I only have one dc at the mo but am hoping for more so it will only get worse for me....at least for a while. I am really embracing all the time with my DD and do really try to get out occasionally with friends in the evening which definitely helps, as does having some time-out whilst DP looks after DD. I just need some time to breathe and not be thinking about the washing, hoovering, planning the weeks meals etc etc and also working pt. It's so draining and at times v dull I find.

My counsellor said it is completely normal for your identity to vanish in those early years but it is VITAL to just do even tiny things for yourself. You've just got to try to find the energy/motivation from somewhere!

you are right greensmurf i need to help myself. husband wise i have always had an inkling that its not quite right but he is such a good man i think i woud be atupid to leave him. we talked last night and he said if i wanted to leave we would make that work in a good way for all of us as a family. so much harder the more helpful and such a good friend he is. I'm never sure i want to leave i just know i desperately want change...

thank you justonecheese - i keep waiting for things but need to do it myself

I have 2 DDs aged 7 and 3 and am also self employed. I have found that I have to be extremely hard nosed with regards to my DH and how I manage my time.

I managed by doing my marketing etc in the evening...which is when many people do houesework or relax...I did neither for a long time. Yu have all day at home apart from one day a week....what are you doing with your time? Be honest. Are you sitting and watching tv? Or doing tonnes of housework?

You have to spend the day with your children and housework and the evening working on your job...I work from 7.30 (kids bedtime) to around midnight on most nights....but this has lessened now my 3 year old is in preschool.

Toughen up a little bit...I'm not being mean but its the only way if you work from home.

in the day i'm doing things to help ill friend, elderly neighbour, toddler play in morning, cooking cleaning school run, emails for work etc - in evening for the last 2 months far too much tele and housework combined

Sounds like you need to balance your days out better. Housework in the evening? Couldn't think of anything worse. I don't do anything past 8pm latest, so make sure I get everything done and kids ready for bed and have time to relax and spend time with hubby. So work til 1, housework and other errands etc, then school pickup, homework, time with kids, tea, kids activities, baths and bed..there day done.

Do you and your hubby communicate enough?

Yes...cut the housework down....I dont do a lot of what some people see as necassary. I clean the floors and loos and the kitchen is always clean...but the rest? We catch up on weekends as a family.
In the evening you have to be super-tough on yourself...no TV...get on wth it!

mumblingandbloodyragdoll

Why no TV in the eve? If coreandpeace enjoys TV then what's wrong, she wants to do stuff that she enjoys for herself. Maybe the odd evening she could do a different activity.

I don't know....I think I lost sight of wy the OP was unhappy. I kept thinking she wanted to work for herself....when in fact she just seems to feel worn out!
Sorry OP! Watch telly and please yourself!

i think i want to do all of it - work for myself and watch tv occasionally. I agree organising it a bit would help and not be all or nothing and actually i am really doing that - thats whats weird is that i just feel rubbish and yet life is ok when i look at it. thats why i think something else is going on - in terms of age etc. maybe another turning point in ones life. I spoke to someone yesterday who's an astrologer and she says that 36 is the age where you are entering your mid life cycle - and i really am feeling a change. Often when in limbo i t4end to turn inwards and let it happen as it feels very weird. And something is happening right now and i have no clue about it. My husband and i communicate a lot - in fact sometimes too much as we seem to analyse the hell out of life!!