How can I get my DH to the docs to check a mole?

[Pavlovthecat]

In complete contrast to my other inane thread about hair dye...

my DH has a mole on the back of his knee which I noticed for the first time the other day. I mean, I don't exactly go examining his knee. However I have now noticed it, and he tells me he has been aware of it for about 18 months. So, it is new.

DH has several large moles on his body. He is self conscious of them and that is the extent of his worry. So he says. But when I have in the past tried to talk about him getting them checked, he has become quite defensive and I suspect he is not so much worried, but embarrassed about them. I can see those ones though, and secretly, well not secretly but not overtly have kept an eye on on those over the years, they have not changed that I can tell, but I am not a doc.

But he has this new mole. Uneven, growing (in that I have not noticed it before now) DH knew straight away what I was referring to, which means he has also 'noticed' it, rather than knowing it was always there.

I have tried again to get him to see a GP. this time he conceded maybe he should. I tried to talk about the reasons and what might happen (they will just get him to check it every few years, go to a skin specialist, remove it). And his response is 'they will just want to remove all of them' in a clearly 'i dont want them to' tone. and went on with 'i know what will happen, I know why i need to get it checked. yeeeeees.'

But, he has not. It has been one week (not quite, 6 days). And when I asked if he will make a gp appt he says stopp hassling. I know I should, but I have asked him for years to just get them looked at and get registered with specialist etc who can keep an eye on them so if they change they get spotted immediately and he just wont.

What do you do to get your DH to the docs?

No mole clinics near us.

my best friend is a nurse, and normally with something like this, I would have a word in her ear and she would make him show her the mole on his leg and the would practically march him in to gp.

But, she has her own very personal emotional stuff going on and it is just not appropriate to put this to her right now.

Please don't make any assumptions. Your DH needs to go to the doctor and he needs to go this week.

My DH is absolutely covered in moles. He now has a mole check every year, there are 2 that I have been concerned about for a while. I circle them in biro as they are on his back so he can show his GP. He has never had a mole removed. They don't just remove them for fun.

My friend had a small mole removed from under her arm pit as she kept catching it with clothing and it would end up red and sore.

Hopefully your DH will go to the doctors and get checked. The longer he leaves it the worse it could get

Dp has something similar on the side of his nose, and has had it for about a year. He also suffers from dermatitis, so frequently has the itching.

It took me a year almost to make him go and get looked at, eventually going myself to our GP (I'm in Italy, and they are quite willing for someone else to go if the patient refuses!) and when I described it to her, she immediately made him an appt at the plastic surgery outpatients (because it was on his face, she said that,in his case was the dept to be looked at in)

He did go, because I had focussed on the "yes it might be cancer, but if it is,and you get it lopped off straightaway, it's not going to kill you". I think he would still be avoiding the issue otherwise tbh.

It wasn't, it's just an age related mole that gets irritated because it is where his sunglasses sit (IYSWIM) so gets rubbed.

Hope you convince him to go, whatever the outcome,he will feel better knowing. x

Frighten him by getting information on wills, whether he wants to be buried or cremated and asking whether his health and life insurance are sorted out.

Bit drastic though.

There are too many people who leave things for too long and then regret it because you cant turn the clock back

Do you mean this bit Pavlov? :

'?patches of skin that are flaky, itchy, tender, oozing, bleeding or red that do not have an obvious cause, such as eczema (a condition that causes dry, flaky skin)'

That would be a totally separate issue from the mole. It is another form of melanoma - sometimes it can present like a rough patch of skin, my friend's was treated as a fungal infection for months until she had a lump come up nearby and then they got panicky.

If he is liable to dry and itchy skin/eczema, that's not a risk factor for melanoma and probably explains what happened with his leg.

Try to focus on the mole, they will check all the others, too - that's something he should be having done anyway if he has a lot.

It's rare to have two primary melanomas at the same time. Having had one makes you more susceptible to another, but one at a time is normally enough for most people

There's a website called mymalignantmelanoma or similar, it's a blog hosted by a chap called Sean - he's not too great with 'wimmin' but apparently a great comfort to men with this problem. He's had melanoma, he's very factual, very blokey might be worth a look - he's googlable.

here

He has a lot of info on melanoma as well but I can't seem to find that bit of the website. Will keep looking!

here it is

Oh glad the itchy dry stuff and the mole stuff are different. I shall stop googling!

He has not, as yet made an appt. I am going to give him some space with it. You can take a horse to water...etc etc.

I shall keep an eye it on it myself though and have told him that.

I do know the likelihood is it is perfectly harmless. But, it is worth having it confirmed for peace of mind. And IF it is problematic, nip it in the bud right now. But I am not him. I know I would already be there, but I can't make him be me.

When he is ready to do it, I shall support him. And if I think he must go quicker than he is (if it is clearly changing) I will become more pissy about it)

Thanks all.

Pav, I think the photo idea is a good one. It's almost a way to reassure himself that it isn't changing...set it up with a light and angle you can easily replicate and take a close macro shot of the 'thing'

Then leave it about 2 weeks, take another. Compare. Keep doing this for a month or two and you'll see if it's changing or growing.

OTOH if it doesn't appear to, he'll NEVER go to the GP! It may be worth suggesting he has all his larger moles taken off as a precaution so he won't be so worried...once they're gone, they are gone.

good luck whatever you do.

To me, this stuff is just non-negotiable. He committed to me and the dcs a long time ago, and part of that is taking basic steps to stay alive. If he wanted it to be his own issue to manage he should (a) not have got married and had kids, or (b) done something about it the minute it arose.

It would be a huge, enormous deal if I knew he was ducking this kind of issue, and I would be making appointments, kidnapping him to take him there, refusing to talk to him or whatever... Things that I have never ever done in our marriage. But this kind of selfishness would be a serious issue for our marriage.