Stress

[Bumblelion]

Has anyone ever suffered from stress and how do you deal with it? I used to say I was "stressed" without really knowing the true meaning of the word but recently my life has taken a turn for the worse and I now feel "stressed" ? not sleeping, buzzy head, palpitations ? and don't know how to help myself.

Brief synopsis (well, not that brief!!!!!) ? marriage broke down nearly 2 years ago when child 3 was born but it took him 9 months to move out (September 2001). Since then been on my own with 3 children (now 2 tomorrow, 11 in November and 7 in February). I work part-time (Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday ? and Mondays at home).

My mum used to be my sole child minder (coming to my house in the mornings in time for me to catch the train). She would get the children up, get them dressed, do breakfast, take 2 eldest to school, look after youngest, collect 2 from school and look after them until I came in from work.

My mum has suffered from depression (which I have mentioned on this website before) for many, many years. She suffers such that she is either very, very well and very, very poorly. Because she had her first breakdown that I knew about when my eldest DD was born, I can now see the signs ? she has had 4 in her life that I know of ? (1) when I was changing to high school, (2) when my first born was born, (3) when my dad died (suddenly), (4), when my youngest child was born.

I could see that she was getting a bit "down" and took her to the doctor who just referred her to start taking the anti-depressants again.

Anyway, she wasn't "too" bad. I talk to her every day (even when she doesn't have the children) and we are very close. I told her that if it ever got too much (looking after the children) she should tell me so I could organise some other form of childcare. She said she was "okay" and that it was good for her to be busy the children 3 days a week.

3 weeks ago I was ready to go to work at 7:40 in the morning when my mum rang me and told me that she couldn't have the children and she couldn't drive to my house (she has 2 cars ? one two-seater convertible and a brand new (53 registration) larger car. I just did not know what to do.

I spoke to my boss who was not too pleased as the other secretary was off on holiday that week but I said that I couldn't come into work as I had no childcare sorted.

My other boss was very good and told me to take as long as I needed to get child care organised.

It ended up that I had 2 weeks off work (part working at home, part holiday, part sickness ? both me and youngest DD going into hospital for operations ? another long story!) and I came back into work last Tuesday but I am finding that I feel so stressed.

My typical (working day) is I get up at 6:30, get showered, then youngest wakes up and has her bottle of milk while I get dressed and dry my hair. I then wake son (6) and get him dressed and then wake daughter (11) to get her dressed.

I then take all 3 into my car and drop the elder 2 at breakfast club (run at their school) which starts at 7:45 and take DD2 to nursery which starts at 8. I used to catch the 7:58 train but that is now out of the question as the nursery doesn't open until after my train has left. I then drive home and walk to the station to catch the train into work.

I arrive about 10 minutes late (which the office is fine about as they know I cannot get the earlier train because of nursery opening times) and only have ½ hour lunch as I need to leave at 4:20 (instead of 5:30) because the nursery shuts at 5:45 ? I make up the hour I owe the company on a Friday or over the weekend by working at home.

I then catch the train home, get in my car, collect DD2 from nursery, collect DD1 and DS1 from school club and then drive home and start the normal home routine (homework, dinner, baths, bed, etc.)

I know perhaps I am doing too much and that is why I am stressed. I am paying £400 more a month in childcare costs than what I was, so am worried about "surviving" on £400 less a month on my salary ? when I wasn't that fluent with cash before ? and I find my biggest battle is I feel I am continuously "fighting time".

Thanks for reading (if you read to the end) and any suggestions.

Oh Bumblelion I am not surprised you are stressed. I would be in a loony bin if I had to do a tenth of what you do

Is your mother's situation permanant? How long does it usually take for her to recover from her bouts of depression? At least if you thought the situation was temporary it may alleviate some of the stress.

This may be a really mean thing to suggest (and I've no idea if it's appropriate for that age) but could the 11 year old not get the bus or walk to school with the 6 yo and take some of the strain off you? I realise you may not be on a bus route or it may be too far to walk but just a thought.

Countessdracula - firstly thank you for reading my posting!

My mum's situation is not permanent, although the doctor has said that it is illness that is not terminal, but something she will always have.

Before she has been poorly for anything from 4 months (when my dad suddenly died) to 18 months (when my DD1 was born). She has been well for anything from 1 year to 15 years in between (from the first time to when my DD was born). I know she will get over it, it is just a matter of when?

There is no point my 11 year old getting the bus to school - we only live about 4 minutes walk from school but school doesn't start until 8:55 and I need to be in work at 9 (or as near to that time as possible) and my conscience wouldn't let me let her (or her brother) stay in the house on their own and then have the responsiblity of getting to school on their own. At least when they are in breakfast club I know they are safe and will be in school on time.

Thanks for the suggestion.

Countessdracula - firstly thank you for reading my posting!

My mum's situation is not permanent, although the doctor has said that it is illness that is not terminal, but something she will always have.

Before she has been poorly for anything from 4 months (when my dad suddenly died) to 18 months (when my DD1 was born). She has been well for anything from 1 year to 15 years in between (from the first time to when my DD was born). I know she will get over it, it is just a matter of when?

There is no point my 11 year old getting the bus to school - we only live about 4 minutes walk from school but school doesn't start until 8:55 and I need to be in work at 9 (or as near to that time as possible) and my conscience wouldn't let me let her (or her brother) stay in the house on their own and then have the responsiblity of getting to school on their own. At least when they are in breakfast club I know they are safe and will be in school on time.

Thanks for the suggestion.

Well let's just hope that your mum gets better soon. Do you still talk to her every day? I know how hard it is, my dad suffers occasional bouts of depression (but I don't rely on him for childcare of course).

You don't have a neighbour who can help at all?

WOW you need a holiday (impossible I guess )
Is it possible for your mum to come and stay with you for a while. Then she can see that the elder two walk to school on time, don't know about the nursery run?
When I get a bit depressed (not to your poor mums extent though) I find being around other people helpful.
Maybe this could help both of you?
Thats probably a bit of an crazy idea!

Bumblelion, I was majorly stressed last year and I only have 1 ds and a dh at home to help. First of all I think you should give yourself a huge pat on the back, you are juggling so many balls in the air you are bound to drop them! If I were you I'd go nad see your GP, you might need signing of work for a couple of weeks to get your head straight. Time to be yourself can work wonders. I don't really have any constructive advice, just wanted to say it sounds like you are doing a greta job and I know how easy it is to forget that sometimes.

Is the breakfast club at school? If so, the elder children could perhaps walk as the Countess suggested. I take it parking at the station is out of the question?

I also wondered if your ex might be able to help out. Does he live locally? Also on the money front - I'm sure I remember on another thread people saying that it seemed like he wasn't paying you a very high level of maintenance.

Have you checked if you could get any childcare taxcredit now that your circumstances have changed? When we filled in the form we had to put an average childcare cost per month. We didn't get anything but thats on 1.6 incomes and £325 childcare a month so you might stand a chance.

Bumblelion, you say your mum is either very,very well or very, very poorly - my mum suffers from manic depression which gives these highs and lows and she needs to be on medication all the time to even things out. Maybe a specialist could help your mum if her GP will refer her.

No wonder you're feeling stressed, it sounds as though things are really tough at the moment.
Sending you a big cyber hug.

Bumblelion - could you move your youngest to a nursery near work? This would eliminate one journey in the morning, you could then catch the earlier train again and not have to work extra at home to make up for being late. Although if your train is jam packed with commuters, it may not be practical to take a two year old.

Definitely apply for tax credit childcare help. If your mum recovers you can just cancel it. Big hugs for you and your mum.

Blimey, I'm knackered just reading your post. Agree, ask ex for more money and/or help. Also, what about finding someone local to be with your older 2 before school (at your home) so you don't have to take them to breakfast club? Could this person also take dd2 to nursery? Are all children's clothes laid out the night before so all they have to do is get into them? (sorry if they are and this is a totally obvious thing to suggest!) Do you do your shopping online? Could you? Anyway, those are my quick thoughts fwiw. Hope your mum gets better soon.

No wonder you're stressed!

I don't really have anything to add excpet to endorse the checking tax credits suggestion, and to second www's idea about finding a local helper. Surely there's another mum at school who lives nearby who could deliver your children in the mornings for you? (In return for a small payment or maybe weekend babysitting or something).

Hope you feel better soon anyway.

I've been dealing with stress lately. When I feel overwhelmed and angry, I'm able to focus on the stress in my life and my inability to properly deal with it. This has lead me to feeling disgusted when stress sets in, but I don't know how to stop.