Am I depressed?

[round2]

Hi,

Sorry it maybe long,but would like to write down everything,so you have a clear picture.

I have one ds (6) from a previous relationship. My dp and I, have been together for 4 years. October 2009 we had a medical termination after finding out our baby had a cystic hygroma of a very large scale and its probablity of survival was really low.We saw many professionals and after all the information we made the heartbreaking decision.

After the termination, we decided we would try again but my body did not recover quickly from the termination and meant we were only able to start ttc 5 months later.

We fell pregnant and tbh and it should off been a really happy time but I was constantly on edge of something going wrong. Once i got passed the probablity of something bad happening another problem arose to worry about. F/t work wasn't enough to keep me occupied from these thoughts.

I also feared myself passing away during labour or if i was lucky enough to have a healthy child something would happen to me for being so lucky.

I gave to dd 11 weeks ago,she is beautiful and healthy. Since she has been born i constantly think something is going to happen to me or just don't feel right/weird all the time.I just think i have been too lucky and now something must go wrong with me. I b/f my dd and she feeds every 1.5/2 hours,she only naps every 1.5 for 30 mins max if i push her in her pram or b/f her to sleep and she is a bottle refuser,so what i am trying to say is i am sleeped deprived.

Since she has been born we had alot of visitors at the beginning but now i am often on my own with dd no one to talk to really. Dp tries hard but she won't settle with him and he cooks,takes ds to activites alot so i am left at home alot with dd, even when dp not working due to his other commitments.

Dp and I, have been engaged for 2 years now and he really wants us to sort out planning the wedding for next year and set a date but i just seem to not be bothered as it just seems like too much hard work. Dp knows i am off work till January and I think he believes I should be able to sort it out like all other women do with busy/hectic lives.

With ds, I was young when I had him and bottle fed and it didn't seem to feel as hard as it is now.I thought i would have a year off work with my beautiful baby,get to be more hands on with ds as not working f/t have a clean house,walk the dog, do all the cooking etc, so dp could just come home and spend time with the kids and do there activites.This is not happening.

Dp states he thinks he is walking on egg shells with my mood swings at the moment.

I am so sorry its long and a bit of information overload, but I feel better for writing it down even though it makes me feel sad.

Any advice appreciated,TIA

Oh poor you. (((((((hugs)))))

Look, you need to cut yourself some slack. You are probably not depressed, but you have had a lot of emotion in your life in a short time.

Feeling exhausted after giving birth and feeding almost constantly is exhausting- I found it so. After 6 months of practically no sleep i was at my wits' end!

I think you should go to your Gp- or health visitor- and ask for help through counselling.

Yor issues over the lost baby are unresolved- which is why you fear a tragedy as well as feeling guilty that everything is okay now with DD.

Add to that your exhaustion with a young baby and it is not surprising you feel rough.

it's also a mistake- if you can see this- to compare 2 children- your DS was easy but not all babies are- and your DD is possibly more like what many mums experience.

I think your DP is totally unrealistic to think about a wedding yet. You need to recover from the birth and work through your emotions over the termination.

Have you any close family to hand? I didn't, but can see how having someone step in to help a bit withthe chores, cooking, taking DS out to play etc can be a godsend.

Don't be afraid to ask for help. Another point is- have you got friends nearby? You might find a mumsnet group near or even ( whipsers) netmums group.

It does sound like you're depressed, yes. I'm sorry - it's awful, isn't it? I had all these visions of living in the country and being a jam-making goddess with little children at my feet, and the reality was altogether something else. After 6 or so months of trying to make things work and pretending it would be all right, I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with depression.

My advice would be to go to your GP and tell her/him how you feel. Make sure that other possibilities are ruled out. Then, if you do get a diagnosis and are prescribed ADs, I would seriously consider some counselling/therapy.

If it is depression, it is nothing you can "snap out of" or "just sort out". Truly. Giving up that expectation is a huge step in and of itself.

Hugs.

There are various online "tests" you ca do for depression. they include factors such as not sleeping, loss of appetite, feelings of hopelessness, irritability, loss of sex driv etc etc.

However, ALL ( or many) of these would apply to a new mum IMO!

I think it is easy to over diagnose depression. Traumatic life events do affect us- but taking a pill is not the only answer.

My vision of motherhood did not match my fantasy either but I would never have labelled my self as being depressed. Disillusioned, exhausted, lacking status, lonely, etc etc.

I do think that support from friends, family, partners and talking to a counsellor and other mums canreally help.

Conceded, cabbage - not all of those symptoms are indicative of depression; and I agree that ADs are over-prescribed. I over-simplified my own experience of depression to make a point about expectations of motherhood. What accompanied this for me were intermittent feelings of doom, anxiety, fixation on things going wrong, inability to form complex thoughts or perform everyday tasks, total loss of interest in everyday things, even those things I loved, bouts of crying and rage, and an inability to bond emotionally with my son. Taken all together, these did add up to depression. I see some of those in the OP's letter, which is why I suggested a visit to the GP, who will hopefully know better.

Some form of talk-based therapy would be a great help no matter what is going on, though - of that I'm sure.

I really sympathise with you. I went through something similar about 5 months after I had a termination, also for medical reasons. I kept imagining horrible things happening to my daughter and eventually seeked help from the doctor. Antidepressants and exercise did the trick in a few months. Later, when I became pregnant with my son, I spent the whole 9 months convinced something would go wrong. Now I'm suffering from a bad back probably due to stress accumulated over the years. Seek help before it gets any worse, and take the time to look after your health, do yoga, go swimming, etc

Thank you all very much for your advice. I will definately be seeking some help/further advice. It helps to write it out. I'm a little embarrassed to talk about this and I find it hard to admit that i'm struggling. I just want to feel like 'me' again.

Please do not feel embarrassed.

I have a close friend who had a termination- nothing to do with health but because of problems in her marriage at the time- and she is still upset at times 15 years on.

You need to grieve- and that can take a long time.

Are there any support groups for mums like you who had terminations due to genetic defects? I am sure there must be.

it is only 18 months since you lost your baby and in that time you have conceived again and given birth. Both are traumatic events. You cannot turn back the clock, but maybe ideally a little more of a gap between that and your new DD would have helped?

I really think you need a support group for mums like you, as well as not expecting to be over it so quickly.