egg donation - moral questions as well as practical ones - WWYD

[crispface]

Apologies if this is confusing, I haven't quite got it in my head what question I am asking

SIL has undergone countless IVF treatments, all either unsuccessful or (more recently) terminated as incompatible with life

She is 40 and has decided to give up on the ivf front.

I am 30 and have one child, with plans to have another (if I am so lucky)

I am considering offerng DSIL my eggs. I know it sounds patronising, and there is no way I would want that, though I know of no better way to offer her.

The problem is that DH does not think I should. He thinks that SIL would not be the best mother, nor is it for me to try and play god for her. He also thinks that everytime we looked at her child, we would see our potential child, this upsets him.

My solution would be to offer her my eggs, with the understanding that any "spare" eggs of my own would be frozen for future use.

ANYWAY, the point of this long outpouring is not only a WWYD? But also I am wondering what is the procedure for egg donation please?

If your DH is unhappy with it, you could actually wreck your marriage over it.

However, it is very kind of you to consider this.

The procedure for egg donation is the same as that for a woman having IVF for herself - ie drugs to stimulate the ovaries then eggs collected during a surgical procedure. It is not without risks to yourself (of something called OHSS, and of infection) and most clinics recommend that you have completed your own family first.
It is, however, a lovely thought. However how is she your SIL? If she is your brother's wife this is a no no as your eggs would then be mixed with your brother's sperm.

Freezing spare eggs is also problematic - they'd have to be frozen before being mixed with sperm (which they are not guaranteed to survive) and how many would you give to her and how many would you keep?

I'd also say you need 100% of your DH's backing as it is a bit of a traumatic procedure in terms of time and emotional commitment.

thank you for your replies. I hadnt realised it was recommended I complete my famly first, or with the problems with freezing unfertilised eggs, so thank you.

SIL is my husband's sister, so no relation to me.

DH is very easy going, he has already said it is my choice, although I am not quite so naive to ralise that isnt the same as his full backing.

Perhaps an idea to shelve for no, but pull out agn in the future when my family is complete, and if SIL is still without any children.

Thank you.

dreadful spelling. sorry

I am in the same situation, SIL is undergoing IVF, but has been given only 6% chances of success, she has discussed egg donation with her doctor and I have been thinking about offering her mine. I am 32 with 2 children and I do not want any more. I looked into it and I must say that there are quite a few possible complications together with all the side effects that the injections cause ( mood swings, tiredness etc), which are important to take into consideration if, like me, you have young children to look after and no help. The main thing though that I have been thinking about is the baby, what if the baby looks just like me? What if I don't agree with my SIL parenting, will I be able not to say anything or will I feel like it is in a way my responsibility as well? What about the baby, she will have every right to know who her biological mother is, what will that mean to her and my children as well? My DH like yours is not too keen, so I have decided to wait and see how things go before saying anything.

M78, they are the exact questions i am asking myself. what if it looks just like me/dd (we look alike?) hat if it has my temperament, not hers? I find her outlook to life, and potential was of bringing up children completely confusing and alien, would my "egg" feel like that, or would the fact tat it would be her child, her blood feeding that child have any impact on its character?

more confusing (though totally materialistic) is that SIL has left her whole (incredibly wealthy) estate to our dd unless she has children of her own. Do I deprive my dd her chance at a huuuge inheritance when she is older with children of her own, or do I help SIL against my DH's advice (he says e is acting in the best interests of our children) and go with my heart?

so emotive. And whatever I decide could have a huge impact on our family, or hers. :(

If she is wealthy, and wanted to have a baby by egg donation, then she surely can go to the States and do that?

You are very kind to think about offering though.

I think it is a very difficult decision to make, especially with the financial implications you mention. The only thing I am sure about is that I would never go ahead with it unless DH was 100% happy with my decision as, even if I would love SIL to have her own family, mine comes first.

I donated for my sister. The situation is a bit different as she is a lot younger (27) so the chances of it working were a lot better.

My DH had a few issues with it as we have one DS and want another one in the future, but as we were emigrating we had to speed things up. I reasoned that as she is my sister I would rather us both be able to have a baby than me to have 2 and her non IYKWIM?

We all (me and DH and sister and her DP) had to have counselling, together and separately, the hospital insisted on it. My DH was under the impression we could keep some eggs back for us, but this is not really possible.

Its a hard slog, I found it very stressful - although the timing wasn't great, I had a one year old, was working full time and I was emigrating!!

You definitely need your DH's backing 100%. I wouldn't have gone ahead without it. The issue he had was that my sister isn't married, my argument was that if we are offering to do this, there should be no 'rules' to it. Similar to your DH thinking SIL wouldn't be a good mother. Its not your say.

I also helped to think of it like giving a kidney. I haven't given her a child, but a cell which she has made into a baby. This helps us all I think.

Hope this helps, my sister is now 20 weeks pregnant on her first attempt! :) Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

I tried to donate eggs, as a friend of ours was having trouble conceiving, however, I thought that my friend would have problems psychologically in carrying and bearing a child which was not hers, but of which she knew the provenance.
I decided to donate into the NHS scheme. I went through the "councelling", which comprised "Do you want to donate eggs?" "Yes", "are you sure?" "Yes", "Do you realise that you will never be able to contact any child born through this" "yes" (This has changed since, by the way the child is told of your identity now I think)
Then I did all the messing around with injections etc, only to be told at the end with my legs up in stirrups that my eggs weren't viable, and that the "cycle is terminated - go and get your expenses claim with this invoice" .I felt dreadfull. I knew that another woman had been prepared to receive the eggs, and would be dreadfully disappointed, and felt as if I had done something very wrong.
Do donate eggs, I still think it would be worthwhile, but donate anonymously, and don't expect any empathy from the clinicians who are "harvesting" you.

If your SIL is at a clinic that does egg donation then you can donate eggs into their 'pool' and your SIL will go to the top of the list to receive donated eggs (not yours).

Your SIL will then be matched with another donor and receive those eggs. And your eggs will go to someone anonymous who is on the waiting list.

This may be a better way of helping your SIL as it would bypass many of the issues you raise.

The last posters advice is a very good way around it. I myself am the recipient of donated eggs, though by an outsider of the family. My life I thought had ended in 1994 when my only child collapsed and died in my garden, he was 14. At the age of 44 I decided to try ivf, my husband was 55. The result? A beautiful darling daughter and two beautiful boys:) They are now 13, hard work, but they keep me going. I just wish Matthew was here to know them:(

thank you again, deux that is REALLY helpful advice, thank you. And is certainly something I will look into more.

triplets :( I am so sorry for your loss, that is an awful tragedy. And wow! triplets aged 13!!! what a life changing event, an amazing result :)

I was going to suggest the same as Deux - she'd be bumped to the top of the list, but receive anonymous eggs.

I have two lovely daughters via egg donation, and feel incredibly lucky - so have some experience from that end of things, but not the donating. Took me ages to go ahead, because of worrying over moral issues, but got there in the end!

Re anonymity: children conceived in the UK now have legal rights to know about their genetic heritage when they reach adulthood. Donors giving eggs or sperm here have to agree that any children resulting from their donations will have the right to know who they are - no other legal rights, financial or emotional responsibility etc, but information as to who and where their genes come from.

Whether you donate or not, what a lovely SIL you are for considering it - I don't think anyone in their right mind would feel patronized

Hi, I hope you don't mind me contacting you but my story is similar to yours. I lost my darling 11 year old son in a tragic accident last summer. I have a 10 year old daughter and as you can imagine our family is shattered. Just like you, my son went out on a lovely sunny day and never came home. I am 45 and very keen to heal our family by having another child, so my daughter is not an only child like me. I have been told the only way to do this through egg donation. I am just a the beginning of this journey. I am so pleased to hear you have lovely triplets.