I think my DH could be depressed; what can I do?

[Greythorne]

My DH comes from a family with a background of depression. In his father's case, it was severe and after 20 years of depression, very sadly, he committed suicide.

I don't know whether I am jumping to conclusions based on family background, but it seems to me that DH might also be depressed.

He lost his mum to cancer and then his Dad to suicide about 5 years ago, and he has a kind of everpresent sadness about this. He has talked about how he feels a connection with other people he meets who have lost a parent / both parents.

He is always tired and yet he sleeps a lot. He does need a lot of sleep, but he stays up late at night, watching TV, yet feels exhausted the next day. At weekends, he sleeps in until 11am, even though we have young DC. And when he wakes up, he is still tired.

He seems lethargic, in that his idea of an ideal weekend is staying in, sometimes in pjs all weekend. Watching TV, not really interacting with the DC, possibly gardening, being on the computer. I am a very gregarious type and plan lots of things at the weekends, but this just does not work for him. We now have "rules" in place, that he can tolerate one social activity per weekend (like a lunch with friends or dinner on Saturday night) but no more than one per weekend.

He dislikes his job and won't discuss it with me. The DC are on school hols this week, so i suggested we could drive over to his office and meet him for lunch which he eventually agreed to, but not before telling me that he really is not in the right frame of mind to see the DC because he is so down about his job.

He really has no sex drive.

He seems to take no pleasure in the DC, he often finds them noisy and messy. He does not lose his temper with them, he just seems withdrawn from them.

When I have managed to discuss things with him, he assures me that all is well, he loves me, tells me not to worry. For information, I have no reason or evidence to believe / suspect anything untoward is going on. He just seems very withdrawn, solitary, unhappy with his lot.

I hope this does not come across as me complaining, because I really don't mean it to. I genuinely think he might be depressed but would like others' opinions.

I sounds a lot like me and I am being treated for depression/stress and panic attacks.

Does not matter how much sleep I have I am always tired. I get grumpy a lot. Find it a struggle to get activated and get through the usual daily life.

My sex drive is hit and miss. Sometimes I am up for it, other times I am not in the mood for weeks at a time but I try and get in the mood with a nice meal etc as feel it is unfair on my partner even though he never complains.

I do not want to go out and socialise, but have built up the courage tonight to go out with some mates for the first time in years. I am only 26 and my life feels like one big rut.

I am not working at the moment as a sahm to 2 young daughters, but when the depression started I was working and could barely get through it. I once enjoyed my job but styarted to find it hard to concentrate, would get upset easily etc. This is when the panic attacks started for me.

I am now awaiting counselling. See my gp regular. Have been given some sleeping tablets as have been having trouble getting to sleep then waking in early hours and not being abnle to sleep again so have been exhausted.

Your husband really needs to see his gp.

Hope all starts to improve for you soon xxxx

Hi greythorne

I am sorry to hear that you and dh are going through this. I can only speak from the other side, as someone who suffered PND many years ago, but also seems to be suffering now. I am not exactly like your husband in his symptoms, but I also lost a parent to cancer a couple of years back which has also left me with an 'everpresent sadness' (an apt way to describe it). I too seem to find a connection with the (few) people of my age (30) that I meet who also lost a parent in similiar circumstances.

I tend to go to bed late, but feel chronically tired and drop off to sleep early evening when I've got a million things to do! I love my job, but it is very tiring and long hours which I think sometimes contributes overall to feeling a little bit like "Help! I want to get off!" It also means that like your husband, sometimes, social happenings make my blood run cold, although I do force myself out, because it seems to help. I am different to your husband in that I keep my weekends really busy doing jobs but I know that eventually I will burn out. I find it very difficult to relax but then get to the point where I'm so tired and feel overwhelmed.

I also have no sex drive and yes, I admit it, though its awful to say, do seem to have less interest in the children. That sounds awful, because I'm still the organised mum, making lunches, doing homework etc, but when it comes to those special moments and laughs we have with our children, it feels so hard.

Obviously this has had a a massively bad effect on my marriage for the last few months and I have a very understanding dh. If your dh is feeling anything like me, he may be questioning everything he has around him. You don't say how old he is, but the loss of a parent at any age can really make us reevaluate our lives even to the point that we think 'Is this it?'.

I have been to the doctor who has recommended me for counselling. She was reluctant to put me on ADs (and I was reluctant to, due to bad side effects when I took them for PND)and felt I had some good 'mechanisms' in place at the moment, such as making time to exercise, eating well etc. However, I know deep down, that I am far from 'well' and that this is so serious it could end my marriage. I am keeping my fingers crossed for the counselling as I'm hoping this will provide some clarity.

Sorry for waffling, I'm not sure that I've shed much light on the problem or given any solutions apart from visiting the GP. I guess I'm just saying that as someone who is normally very 'together', it can be very easy to lose the plot! Also, if your dh has any chance of getting better, he needs to acknowledge that possibly, he is depressed.

Thx jester and thewasteland.

I think my DH should go to see our GP but I am very unsure how to broach the topic of depression with him.

Greythorne really think you should broach the subject with him , you don't have to jump straight in. You could start by asking how he has been feeling and move it on from there .

It is really difficult but he needs some professional help , it may take several gentle attempts for him to think that things could be better for him and for you all if he sought help.
My dh really needs a huge push to talk about his feelings and his father has had depression too so your post realy resonates with me.

Greythorne really think you should broach the subject with him , you don't have to jump straight in. You could start by asking how he has been feeling and move it on from there .

It is really difficult but he needs some professional help , it may take several gentle attempts for him to think that things could be better for him and for you all if he sought help.
My dh really needs a huge push to talk about his feelings and his father has had depression too so your post realy resonates with me.

Sorry about the double post - too much

Sorry about the double post - too much