Update on Rindercella's DH

[Rindercella]

Apologies for putting my name in the thread title - it seems so self important but I don't mean it to be. So many of you offered so much help, support and fantastic advice, I just wanted to let you know where we are at. Previous threads here and here.

DH was diagnosed with advanced metastatic prostate cancer with secondary lymph node cancer in May last year, when our DD2 was just 5 weeks old. 9 months on and things are very far from well. DH's health has unfortunately really deteriorated since then. Particularly since Christmas he is suffering so much more pain and discomfort. He can now barely eat and is just so, so weak.

He saw his oncologist yesterday and he is to start a course of chemotherapy starting next Wednesday. He also needs a blood transfusion next week (and thank you to everyone who gives blood, what a brilliant thing you do).

He is a very, very ill man. It is so bloody hard to see the man I love so very much waste away. There is no prognosis. I know he is going to die from this fucking awful disease. I just don't know when.

I am getting counselling, which is definitely helping me. And my SIL is now more or less living with us which is so fanastic I cannot tell you - her being here helps us all so much, and it helps her and it helps the rest of their family, knowing that she is here. I actually don't know how I coped for the last couple of months before her arrival. I am still manically busy, and that's with an extra person helping me. I think DD1 feels it very much too and is especially clingy to me and she really hates me leaving her (eg when I drop her off at preschool).

Mostly this seems so surreal. Like I am not really typing these words. Cancer. Chemo. Only pallative. My darling husband. Those things just shouldn't be joined together. But they are and it is very, very painful.

I hope that the chemo does make DH feel better (I understand that he is likely to have bad days following the treatment). The worst pain for him is in his bones. He sometimes screams out with the pain. Just heartbreaking.

Does anyone have andy advice on how best to help him through his chemo?

Happy birthday Jasmine!!!

hope you all have a lovely day xx

Thank you all so very much for your lovely birthday wishes for Jasmine. We had a lovely afternoon with just us, the girls, DSS, my Mum & brother, my SIL and the wonderful lady who helps us during the week. So very low key, but absolutely perfect.

Richard coped so well even though he'd had a bad morning and the girls had a ball. Jasmine likes her food. A lot. So she was in heaven with kids' party food and chocolate birthday cake. I will get photos uploaded to FB and maybe one on my profile to show just how much she loves cake (she really loves her food, did I mention that?!).

Am knackered though. Grief comes at me in huge waves and then subsides for a little while. I never know when it's going to hit me. One thing today was hearing the song DH has requested for his funeral. Fuck, how am I going to get through this? I already miss Richard so much, and he's here, just a few miles from home. One day, one hour at a time. I know. And I will cope because I have to. I know. It's really odd, but for so many years I always felt a fraud when I cried. Even when a colleague died in front of me, mid-conversation, I felt my tears at his loss were somehow not valid. I really don't know or understand why that was. Now I have no doubt about being fraudulent. I have never felt such overwhelming grief like it. Not even when Dad died last year and I loved him so much and miss him so much.

Amber - I will look into CyberKnife, thank you as I hadn't heard of it before. And am so sorry you are having to cope with this disease too. I wish you lots of love and strength.

I cannot say enough how much all of your messages help. Richard and I are overwhelmed by the support and kindness from so many people. It's funny, he used to really quite dislike my MN addiction use but I know now he sees how bloody wonderful you all are. Thank you x

Yes one minute at a time and you'll get through because you must and because your girls need you.
Glad you've had a good afternoon together. Good memories to have.

You may find Richard is very, very tired tomorrow. Making an effort for special things can really take it out of folks at his stage.

It's really good you know that you've talked about the funeral. It WILL help you then and it will go on helping you in thirty years time.

You're doing everything you should and we are all holding you and the girls in our hearts.

I am so glad you had a good day and a lovely party for Jasmine. Will Richard be coming home any time soon? With a MacMillan nurse if necessary?
I do hope you find something that will help, even if only for a bit.
Take care of yourself and all of you
x

Things you have to do to get mn accepted in a relationship eh?

Sounds like you have managed to pull off an amazing day, when no one would have blamed you for staying in bed. You show amazing strength of character and have all our admiration. I'm so glad Richard was able to take part and you had a warm family gathering.

I can't say anything sensible about hearing the song and coping and so on. All I can say is that you don't actually have to cope if you don't want to. Not all the time anyway. You are allowed to throw/scream/rant/howl and sob as you need to. We are always here to hear your cyberspace screams if you need us and I'm sure your family and friends will be there to provide rl support. When you are ready.

We are a private shodowy army standng right behind you all the way, so continue to draw strength from it. Much love x

feelings at a time like this really don't make much sense - your emotions must be all over the place.
glad you had a good day with dcs.

Thank you so much NL. I hope you're well. How's your sister? I think of her often.

One funny thing happened yesterday, just to show that I can laugh amidst all this grief, is that India had a tantrum in the car yesterday. She ended with a big scream and hurled an open pack of mini cookies across the car. These biscuits landed straight in Jasmine's lap. Now, remember how I said Jas likes her food? Well, she couldn't quite believe her luck - biscuits landing on her lap from nowhere! She didn't take any chances and gobbled them up quickly in case they were taken away as quickly as they were given. India and I were in hysterics about it (diffused a very cross little girl very quickly!).

Shadowy, not shody at all!

Rindercella, I haven't posted before on your thread but I wanted to add my voice to everyone else here wishing you love and strength. It is heartbreaking to read about what your family are going through. You sound so lovely and I'm in awe of how you are coping with it all in such a dignified, articulate manner. I wish I had something more helpful to say but I will keep you in my thoughts. I'm so glad your little girl had a lovely birthday, that's so sweet about the cake!

Glad you had a good day with your family all together.Its amazing that sometimes even in the midst of so much unhappiness,there often appears a little something you can smile about.I bet Jas thought her it was her lucky day when the biscuits arrived in her lap ! Thinking of you.

It's lovely to hear that your girls had a great party, wishing you all the best, you are in my thoughts x

Rindercella - thanks for asking. I think she's ok but at the same time not ok at all. It is what it is, hard to explain tbh.

Rindercella I don't know you, will most likely never meet you, but I couldn't not post with my sympathy, hope-against-hope and admiration for how you are coping and what a wonderful woman you seem to be. And sadness at what your family is having to face.
If words could do anything I would write reams, really I would.
My FIL has a chordoma on his spine and is also in serious pain all the time, nothing to be done, I suspect also facing paralysis, so I can imagine at least an iota of the pain your DH is living with (though chordomas don't spread secondaries as far as I know, so probably incomparable).
Much love from Poland.
xx

sounds like your little J had a lovely day...and your DH was able to enjoy it too.

I cant imagine how hard it is to grieve for someone who is still here but is very ill.
Laughter is a great gift and your DD'S will be a great comfort to you & your DH in the months ahead. I can picture a very delighted little girl gobbling up those biscuits with a huge smile on her face.

Thinking of you all & sending continued strength and support from Albuquerque

I am so glad for you that you were all able to spend the day together. Hopefully lots of photos and making more happy memories for your girls.

You are being amazing and your roller coaster of emotions, I'm sure, are quite normal.

Take care x

Little J must have thought the biscuits were an extra birthday present!

Glad you all had a good day, bet today you are exhausted though.

You are doing so well. You ask ''how am I going to cope?'' To me you already are coping, remarkably well, and are an inspiration.

Coping doesn't stop you feeling all the bad stuff, it is how you deal with it. You are keeping your family together and moving forward in the midst of all this, you are amazing.

Really glad to hear you all had a lovely day yesterday :) x

Rindercella, I've been watching your posts with great sadness and anger that you and your family are going through something so bloody awful. I can't even begin to imagine your pain nor can I say anything that can magic it all away, but as other MNers have said- you really are an inspiration and I just want to wish you and your family lots of love. I'm so glad that you all had such a lovely time yesterday and I hope you are able to enjoy many more special moments and smiles together as a family in the times ahead. You're in my thoughts, stay strong x

at J's happiness with the biscuits.

Chipping - I totally get you. I was pregnant when my Nana was given months to live and she said she had had enough. I was upset that my baby wasn't enough of an incentive for her to fight and stay alive but I understand now that she had just had enough. She had been a widow for a very long time, she had been ill for years and she could go happily knowing I was married with children and was okay.

Rinders - it sounds as if Jasmine had a lovely birthday - I love the story of her getting a surprise packet of biscuits and making the most of it

As someone else has said -all your emotions are valid, try to go with them as much as you can - there are no rules when it comes to grief.

It is so hard and so unfair that you and Richard are going through this
You are always in my thoughts, and I send much love - K. xxxx

Rinders - it sounds like Jasmine had a lovely first birthday - all of her favourite people and food It is great that her Daddy was there to share it with her, I'm sure she will really treasure those photos.

Grief is a strange creature - predictable & unpredictable in equal measures. Just when you think you have a grip on it, something happens and it completely overwhelms you again. It is very hard because you are grieving for what you have already lost and for the future that is not what you had planned - but yet Richard is still here & no matter what, you still hope for a miracle. It is exhausting.

Typical bloody man though - distain for MN until it comes in useful I hope he knows how much this Nest of Vipers cares about you all x

You really made me laugh re Jasmine and the Magic Biscuits and I'm glad it made India laugh. Poor Jas though - she'll probably keep waiting for it to happen again now

arf re nest of vipers. that's teh thing, isn't it? we may all be vipers but a nest is a nest at the end of the day. [cosy] Glad the heavens rained cookies for Jasmine on her birthday.

I'm glad you had a nice day yesterday all together, how lovely for your DH and DDs to be together and celebrate. I'm thinking of you x