big op ahead - parents' reactions - among other things

[heartsandminds]

Name changed for this. Not the main thing about me!

Born with heart condition. 3 ops in childhood, 1 as an adult. Now booked in for 5th op, sudden deterioration, 3 weeks to prepare, feeling crap physically. Masses to plan - dog, child etc - 2 months at least to recover.

Told my parents last w/e. Lots of history for them. Rang them again today to chat. We have a peculiar rel'ship - almost parent/teenage (don't tell them anything) or, I'm the carer, strong one, one they don't need to worry about (I'm late 40s, they are mid 70s!)

My mother's words:

• I feel at a loss because I can't do anything
• I can't get close
• I feel very upset
• You don't understand what it's like for us.

All about her in other words. Am I annoyed? Resigned? I really don't know. They are clearly struggling. But christ so am I - my mother seems incapable of holding back or targeting appropriately. Any words of sympathy come over as very loaded.

So - pls can you send me some words of sympathy! I think it will really help! I am fed up of being sensible and trying to organise everything and deal with reactions.

Poor you.

Personally I would need to disengage from them - you can't control/change their reactions to this, the only thing you have control over and can change is how you react to them (etc etc ) You don't sound like you have the energy to deal with them. So don't.

Concentrate on what you need to organise for you, DC and dog.

Agree, disengage from parents if they're not helping you. HAve someone else send them updates, or write an email/letter rather than phone. Cold, but you have to put yourself first at the moment.

It sounds horribly frightening and you have tons of sympathy from me.

Who can help you organise things, do you have a dh/p? How old is your dc and are they in a position to help you?

breathes deeply, yes, have DH doing his best and DD age 12. (And young mad dog, but there is good daycare around). Plenty of friends, practical and sensible offers of help, I am not alone. Feel overwhelmed anyway.

Thanks for both replies - nice just to let off steam and get straightforward responses.

Your mum's reaction sounds more like she's the teen rather than you - totally lacking empathy, focussed on her own feelings as if they were the most important thing, and without even the consideration to keep it to herself while you're having to face up to this.

I agree with the others, reduce the contact and focus on yourself, DH and DD here. They are the ones who are there for you and who you want to help with the planning.

Oh hearts that's awful. You've got enough on your plate without having to worry about your parent's concerns.

The thing is, it is bothering you and I'm guessing that it is an additional concern / worry / irritation on top of everything else which might end up becoming a problem which makes it harder for you to recover from your op. Would it help to speak to her again and make sure she realises that it's not all about her? Not in a mean way, but just to get the irritation you feel off your chest? I only ask as clearly you will have some interaction with her over the next few weeks and if you have this feeling brewing it could sort of eat away at you. Also wonder if, as you had ops as a baby she is mentally harking back to her feelings about those, rather than thinking of the practical needs of now. Feel free to tell me I'm not helping, but just wondered.

Do hope your op goes well and you feel better afterwards.

Agree with others, leave your parents to it and do make use of your friends who have offered to help. Remember if they didn't want to they wouldn't have in the first place.

Relaxing to get this consensus, and thanks for support. MuminScotland, yes you've summed it up.

They make me feel tireder than I do already. So intense and complicated. Time to leave them to it.

Rally your friends. If you were my friend I'd offer to cook for you all once a week or somthing, walk the dog, come round and clean etc.

Chat with school so they are prepared if DD needs support from them.

Could you do things like make Tesco,com shoping lsit so you guys can just get similar stuff each week?

Could your parents have your daughter for fun weekend a few times? Is their relationship with her better?

Just read you want sympathy and not planning - sorry. My next words were going to be that you will get rhough it but that is totally sucks. Really sorry. Will this offer long term relief from symptons?

Aye and your mum and dad's reactions was crappy

mumblecrumble this made me laugh - to do lists, no, no, no! Good idea re online shop tho - on tomorrow's list.

Friends rallied, love your offer (where do you live!)

Op - if all goes to plan will offer long term relief and hopefully see me into oldish age.

Sorry is great, no need for perfect words, sympathy a nice boost. . Right off to watch tennis. It's just nice to have abit of an online thing going now I am more or less housebound. Parental stuff highly irritating yesterday - sure they will get over themselves and in meantime I will ignore.

Oh good grief, parents, who'd 'ave 'em?

Oodles and oodles of sympathy! Delegate the job of keeping them informed to someone else, and make sure they don't come visit you until you are seriously recovered.

My parents came to visit me in hospital just after I'd been moved out of intensive care. We sat in the day room with me in a wheelchair which I couldn't move myself. They sat themselves in armchairs facing the tv (which was on). This meant they had their backs to me. They didn't even talk to me. 15 min later, dh came back in, took one look at us all and announced it was time for them to leave . My parents complained that they hadn't had long enough .

Do not feel guilty about your parents - you have nothing to feel guilty for, but I know how it can come creeping in.

{{{very gentle non-squeezing hugs}}}

Poor you and poor heart. put energy into healing not trying to fix your parents.
Where abouts are you. Will you need waiting on/visiting/chocolate after?

Oh good luck with the op heartsandminds. I have an older teen dd who has heart issues and I'm trying to put myself in your parents' shoes.

I can sort of understand them feeling at a loss because they can't do anything - however old dd is I think as a parent I'll always wish it was me that could go through the surgeries. I do think they should keep their worries to themselves though, you have enough to handle without having to worry about them too.

kingsCross so love the idea of them watching the telly while you're watching their backs!

Just spent a week in hospital having tests - the tales I have of my 4 bed ward companions- me skulking in corridor desperate to avoid detailed exchange of health info/a nun's opinion on abortion(!)/loud cackling about wee wees(!!diuretics). Return quietly, sidle into bed, 'BEEN FOR A WALK THEN?'..

Off to bed (my own lovely bed).

could you develop MRSA/C-Diff/raging diarrhoea and be put into blissful isolation?

That might finish me off completely! Nice idea though!