Elderly mum. Don't know what to do. Anyone else?

[Pennies]

Over Xmas I've realised my mum is really ageing and starting not to cope. I live the other side of the coutnry from her and our relationships isn't great but I feel I should help. She won't leave her HUGE house despite not being able to keep it clean or tidy. I don't want to to force her to do anything she doesn't want to but I'm worried about her ability to live independently.

Anyone else in this boat? What advice do you have, if any?

Its so hard isn't it? Speak to her and her GP and ask for a social services referral to see if she is eligible for help with cleaning etc. Or does she have the funds to employ someone to come in and help with cleaning and light cooking? (and gardening). You could organise shopping for her by doing it online and having it delivered to her house. There are some private meals on wheels type organisations that deliver edible food too.
This sounds harsh, so sorry, but you may find yourself travelling to see her more often. Does she have any friends that you could get on side that she would listen to?Is there any other family?
There is a fine line between living in a more chaotic manner and not like she used to, and being unsafe and at risk of falls, scalding, hypothermia, not eating properly, getting muddled over tablet taking etc.

I do empathise. Try and get some help before it all reaches crisis point though.

I know people who have an au pair to live with their elderly parent. They pay them every week but not too much as the au pair gets room and board and time off. As long as you can get someone that has good references (preferably via an agency) it might work well. In return they can do some cleaning and cook perhaps one meal per day. The exact terms and conditions would be worked out with the agency.

Not sure whether I'm quite in the boat or not, but I see it coming quite clearly...

My Mum is 'only' (her words - my GM died at nearly 102 so she has high expectations!) 82 and most of the time more than capable of coping. But she had pancreatitis over the summer, and I saw that things could change quite suddenly - and that it would be very stressful when they did.

A lot depends on what your Mum would accept, I think - mine flatly refuses all sorts of help at this point, and all we can do is think through what we can do if/when the time comes and accept we'll have to deal with it then. I don't think its possible to pre-empt change, effectively, though it is possible to prepare a bit - I've had long talks with siblings, for instance, and also tried talking to my mother about future options.

The au pair idea is a good one, if she a) can afford it and b) you can find a good, responsible one and c) your mother accepts it. Thats a lot of ifs! Meantime, have you talked to her about your concerns? I know Mum finds it easier to hear if I start with 'I'm feeling anxious'...something to do with being a mother, I suspect

Just nibble away at the problems ( tho ime there's not always agreement on what the problems are ) .
Can she use less of the house ,would she accept a cleaner once or twice a week ?
Is her health as good as it can be ?
I thought a lot of my mum's fatigue /loss of appetite were due to age .
But actually she needed a radical overhaul of her medications - tripled diuerics ,stopping the candestartan .
Not much help ,sorry .
I've not suggested the obvious " ask her what help she'd like or thinks she might like in the future " ,as I know from my own mother ,that it's not as easy as that ..
Good Luck - I wish there were more chat about caring for parents .

Stuff that can help:

If she is on medication, and you're worried about her managing it, you can call her pharmacist and organise a weekly dosette box. They will dispense her pills into a seven-days box and deliver them each week. Some chemists require a GP referral to organise it but Lloyds are a good bet (though our local is useless).

You can order her shopping to be delivered. Ocado will carry it into the kitchen for her and they have an "auto-shop" service so her basics will be shopped and delivered automatically on a set schedule.

If you can avoid council "care", do, because while there are some good and wonderful carers, most of them are people who literally cannot get any other job and they will break her stuff, upset her, and probably (through incompetence) injure her. (I speak from experience) Better to hire a good, friendly cleaner or au pair. A cleaner coming in once or twice a week for an hour will keep things ticking over in a single occupancy, and should be affordable for all but the most pressed. If you are wealthy, a laundry service is a good idea and can be given as a present.

Most councils run some kind of community alarm service. Google "community alarm service + her area" and you should find details on how to access it. Be bolshy if/when they drag their feet or try to make you feel you ought not access the service.

If you're worried about her falling, google "assessing fall risk" and there should be some council's guide up on how to do this. Next time you go to see her, check out her pathways to the loo, to the door, and to the phone. You can do this discreetly or be totally upfront, depending on her own approach.

The Selfish Pig's Guide To Caring might be useful to read if/when things get heavy. Good luck!

Hi, i have similar problems! A year ago we got my Mum to agree to move down here (she lived 50 miles away and was not really coping although she thought she was) but earlier in the summer she had a stroke which has left her half paralysed and is now still in hospital learning to move again although no one can say just how much mobility she will regain.

I feel her frustration so much and she is (understandably) in complete denial and wants to come and live with us or nearby and is adamant that she isn't going to live in a care home but I don't think I can look after her to the extent that she needs. Her physio and OT are very supportive to her and to me which helps.

Aaaargh! All really difficult and am trying to sort out her house which is stuffed to the seams with her precious "stuff" and have had a burst pipe as well. All on top of normal Christmas mayhem.

I don't have any advice just empathy! Here's to 2011 - Good luck!

Wow, some really good advice here.

She will not leave her house. It's a 5 bedroom mansion in the cotswolds (stunning if it wasn't so run down). It's been her family's home since the 50's. She is adamant about staying there. It's 150 miles away from me. It's also filthy and fouled by the two dogs she owns but can't control. I do not like taking my children (aged 5 & 6) there and am an no position to just go there for a week or two as DH works 12 hour days. I have a bro but he has a newborn DS so I know he won't want to go there whilst it's in this state. I've told her this but she does not respond.

She has employed the same cleaner that her mother used so this lady is now in her mid-to-late 60's. She's been doing a crap job for years but my mum is a lonely loner and the "cleaner" is reliable company if an ineffective cleaner. If I hire someone else to do the cleaning I'm worried current cleaner will not bother coming over. Mum will also not hear of having another cleaner although I can't see what this woman does during the hours she spends at the house.

Hiring an au pair sounds sensible but I'm worried about abuse.

My mum has always been socially inept (hence my very poor relationship with her as I've never really been able to form one with her) to the extent that I think she has some kind of Aspergers. A brain haemorrhage a decade ago has not helped her mental well being although her medics seem to feel she made a good recovery. To cut a long story short I just don't think a stranger going into her home will work as it will take her out of her comfort zone.

In a nutshell i've got depression, loneliness, incapability and isolation to deal with here. She lives in the past and won't move near me.

She's divorced.

I do really need to talk to her GP - can i do that on the phone?

Just to add I've been having cancer treatment for most of this year and haven't been able to see her so this is all much of a shock so I'm not sure if I've stumbled on a problem or if she's coping but on a very low level IYSWIM.

Might be good to write to her GP in the first instance and tell him/her all of the above. Ask if they can call her in for a check up or do a home visit?

GP's can usually think of a reason why they should see a person if they need to.

I might try that - but I reckon it would be a very long letter!

I'm sure that's true but it gives the GP time to look at her records and consider what is best to do, rather than you calling the GP up out of the blue.

This method worked well(ish) with my mother-in-law so I speak from experience.

I was thinking of starting this thread!

My problem is MIL who seems to be a classic case: she is not coping but will not admit it, she is adamant that she wants to stay in her house and will not go to a Home.

I wonder if we should have pushed her more when she was more capable. We didn't because we wanted it to be her decision, not ours. If she had gone when she could have, she might have got into some sheltered housing. As it is, I think we are going to have to (a) force the issue and (b) get her put into precisely the sort of Home she never wanted.

That's the problem senua by the time someone can't cope it's usually too late for any real choice - s fall or some other crisis usually happens and they end up in a nursing home. I was 'lucky' in that my mother (now 78) recognised a few years ago she needed somewhere smaller and more secure. At first she moved to a small bungalow but soon realised even that was getting too much (heating/gardening/decorating etc) and she then moved to an apartment in a sheltered housing complex which has worked out really well. It's a 20 minute walk from my house, the warden is great and she can live a pretty independent life with her own front door. I'd thoroughly recommend taking any elderly relatives to visit sheltered housing 'open days' so they can see what they have to offer.

And we are all going to learn from our relatives "mistakes" aren't we?

We plan to sell our house when my DH is 60 ish and move into a lovely large flat with communal garden and not be like my MIL.

haha, pippop. That's what I have been saying too. Do you think we actually will when the time comes?
I have been giving the DC pep talks along the lines of "If I ever get like grandma, then please tell me!"

They can be irrational. MIL won't move from her home but then complains that she is lonely. She seems to think that all assistance should be on her terms; she forgets that other people have got lives to lead too and can't drop everything to suit her.

take your mum to the GP and make sure he's aware of your mum's probs. Ask for social worker involvement.

Start looking around for a home NOW. Trust me, the options are limited when you hit a crisis.

Elderly people do regress, and you do hit a point where you have to take over the decision making about their welfare.

I would also look into Power of attorney.

Age UK are helpful - maybe have a chat with them too? (Haven't read the whole thread so someone may have already mentioned this). They have a local list of "approved" CRB checked cleaners, gardeners, odd-job people etc.
I agree the GPP is the best place to start. Social Services can provide sitters etc., but its all at a cost. GP seems to be the route into all this stuff.

Some really good advice here. Sorry if I am repeating. We have lots of family in this position. Fortunately we live close enough to check on them. These days there are five that really couldn't cope without help and four more verging on it. It is very stressful. We have moved bedrooms downstairs and they have cleaners/home helps who shop and clean. We are in contact with GPs etc. We have to take charge of all bill paying and have to top up in many cases. For this reason despite being good earners we have no money. More people will be in this situation soon I think.

You can order food on Amazon as well now if you need to.

lolol. Just seen an advert on TV for a tracking system so devoted children can keep an eye on their DP.
It was the standard advert format: one Old Lady, who has the system, explaining it to her friend, who hasn't. Closing shot is Friend saying "I ought to get one of those so my daughter knows where I am."

DS pipes up, "We ought to get one of those for Gran ... ... then she might know where she is!" MIL is currently in hospital repeatedly asking where am I, how did I get here, etc etc

To be honest, I dont think there is very much you can do. She is a grown up, and as she is "mentally sound", in that she is not in a state of moderate to advanced alzheimers, she is not bad enough for a care home. And you cant force anybody to move, or accept help.

I think the best you can do, and I am speaking from experience is to leave her to it. She may at some point realize she might need help, or to move to a smaller place, but until then, I suspect there is little you can do.

By all means, flag your concerns with her GP, phone her regularly, and see if you can find any smaller properties for her age group nearby, and maybe take her to visit one and see what she thinks. But the elderly are often a stubborn lot, and in total denial regards to their own ability and care needs.

I hope you are recovering, I remember a thread earlier this year. You have my total sympathy.

Quint, I think you're right (but I always seem to share the same views as you on here!). The fact that she is mentally sound, if depressed as hell and not as quick as she was makes it very hard to change things.

Her reaction times concern me and I'm worried about her competence behind the wheel but I fear that taking that away from her will have devastating consequences for her mental wellbeing. Obviously I'm aware of other road users so this is a huge worry for me too.

I tend to agree with Quint as well. There is a difficult line to tread between caring for and caretaking, iyswim - and I watched my mother try the latter (to no avail) for decades with my grandmother. Not helped by the fact that my dgm was a) in Paris and b) in perfect mental health and c) drop dead stubborn!

Pennies, you sound very sensitive to, and aware of, your mother's situation - and to an extent I think all you can do is what you're doing now: keep an eye on things, make sure you're supported with all the dilemmas (by talking about it to others), and trust that you will be able to deal with situations as they arise.

Interestingly, since you started this thread, my dh has had a conversation with my dm about moving to our area - something neither she (nor I!) would have found attractive five years ago, but now think there's a lot to be said for it. Won't happen unless/until she's ready though.

Its very hard having ageing parents a long way away - I've watched both my dh (parents in Ireland) and dm (mother in Paris) cope with it.

Just to say that I am so glad to have found this thread. I am lucky in that my DM lives with us, but she has been quite ill with something which was quite probably flu and got rather confused. It's not so much the practicalities that bother me (so easy because I live here, although sill difficult to persuade her to change her clothes), as the emotional impact. It's very hard to both of us.

It's really good to have found this thread. Pennies - I sympathise. It sounds as if you have a lot to deal with here. I don't have much practical advice, I'm afraid, but can share my own experience.

At the moment, my MIL (81) is living with us. She is in my DS2's bedroom and my two sons are sharing a room. Her home is an hour and a half away from us and she had always said that she would move near us if her husband died. He died five years' ago. She didn't move. We took her lots of estate-agent listings on flats and sheltered accomodation, but she took no notice. In fact, she started redecorating her house, although she refused to have central heating put in, so she was always freezing in the winter.

We understood that she wasn't ready to move and respected that, but we were frustrated too because we worried that she would leave it too late. She always said that she didn't want to be any bother to us, but my husband (her only child) feared that at some point she would be ill (she already had a lot of health problems) and he would need to fit in driving over to care for her with his work and family life.

Sure enough, a crisis happened. She suddenly became very ill and a neighbour phoned an ambulance. It turned out she had appendicitis (at 80!) and complications. Then she caught MRSA or similar.

There was no way she could return home after this as she was too frail and needed to be looked after, so she has been living with us for the past two months. We live in a tiny house, so this is far from ideal and could have been avoided had she moved here earlier. We have had to transfer all her care (she needs various tests and an operation) to our local hospital, so that we can take her there and look after her afterwards. My husband has had to go onto a four-day week so that he can have time to drive her to all the appointments she needs.

She has now agreed that she needs to put her house on the market and move nearer to us. She has even - finally! - agreed that sheltered accommodation would be a good idea (originally, she wanted a small house ). However, it took this crisis for her to see how vulnerable she was and how much she needed us.

I do think that it is a difficult matter to balance an elderly person's happiness with their physical well-being. With my MIL and my grandparents, I saw standards deteriorating in their houses - cobwebs appearing, dust everywhere, crumbling paintwork - but they were in their home and that was the most important thing to them. My MIL was always houseproud, but she obviously can't see as well as she used to as her house is very dusty these days and her washing up is awful (scraps of food left all over the plates).

So, your mum has a cleaner who is not very good, but she has been cleaning for her for many years. She sounds as if she is a lousy cleaner, but she serves a very important role in providing continuity and company for your mum, so you mustn't rock the boat. So long as hygiene is not compromised, I don't think it matters too much.

Does your mum have any neighbours who can look in on her? My MIL's neighbours were wonderful and it was her next-door neighbour who called the ambulance. If you are lucky enough to have a kindly neighbour who is friendly with your mum and you are in touch with them, this can be a godsend. Failing that, are you in touch with the friend/cleaner? She might be able to keep you informed about your mother's health and well-being.

I'm sorry that you have had a difficult year yourself. It sounds as if this worry over your mum is the last thing you need.