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Worried about eating disordered friend but feel totally unable to help

11 replies

littlelamb · 20/09/2005 19:50

As you may know, I've battled eating disorders until fairly recently, and to be honest I feel I lead a pretty normal life now, not giving a second thought to what I eat on most days. But I am growing really concerned about my friend. We have loads in common, and dd's the same age and she told me some time ago that she'd been admitted to hospital a few years ago with life threatening anorexia. At the time I was really struggling with bulimia, but didn't tell her this. I suspect she knew. I can tell from the state of her teeth that she also has suffered in the past. She is a beautiful woman, but I am growing increasingly worried about her. She is a size 10, but insists that she's fat, and has lost a lot of weight since returning from her holiday, after which she looked really healthy and great. She goes to the gym everyday and for the last month or so all I have seen her eat is raspberries and diet coke, and I spend a lot of time with her so I know this is not just a snack, this is a meal for her. I know full well that that is not normal, and I also remember all too well the mindset that led me to follow a similar diet. My problem is I don't feel able to talk to her about it. She knows about my bulimia, as I have self help books on my shelf, and she has seen them. If I had been confronted when I was suffering, there is no way I would have admitted it, and I am afraid she would deny there was any problem. Should I be open to her about my problems and hope that she'll do the same? I'm just really worried, as she is a very special friend to me and I hate to see her struggling so much with herself.

OP posts:
SleepySuzy · 20/09/2005 19:53

I think often opening up to people does help them to do the same. If you feel comfortable doing it, it's a good idea.

If it doesn't seem to help, then probably the best thing you can do is be there for her, and give her lots of support. You have the experience, so I'm sure you will be a great friend, and shoulder for her.

littlelamb · 20/09/2005 19:57

She just seems to have huge self image problems. Her freinds are mainly very sporty and skinny, and she is always commenting that she wishes she were that skinny, although, obviously, she HAS been that skinny, and was sensible and lucky enough to recover

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SleepySuzy · 20/09/2005 20:07

What helped you get over your own problems?

littlelamb · 20/09/2005 20:10

I think it was just realising that I had a problem, which is very hard to do. I a,m having a hard time trying to put myself back into that mindset, which I suppose is a good thing in a way. My first step was ringing the eating disorders helpline. I want to help so badly, but I am accutely aware that she has to do this herself

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WigWamBam · 20/09/2005 20:10

I'm so pleased to hear that things are getting better for you.

Your friend very lucky that you're so close to her and so keen to help, but I think you have to be careful that you don't find yourself dragged back down again. You know yourself that unless she is ready for help, there's very little that anyone can do - all you can do is be there for her. If you can stand to talk about it, maybe opening up to her about your problems would encourage her to do the same, but please only do that if you're sure that you are strong enough to cope with it.

SleepySuzy · 20/09/2005 20:11

What about ringing the helpline and asking them how they think you should approach her?

littlelamb · 20/09/2005 20:16

Ringing the helpline is a good idea. WWB, that is one of my fears, I don't know if I AM strong enough to cope with it, it's not ruling my life anymore, but the wounds are still relatively fresh IYKWIM. She really makes light of how little she eats, saying,as I did, that she's already eaten, or is feeling a bit unwell, and is absolutely adament that she is huge. I guess when you've been skin and bones anything will look big in comparsion

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WigWamBam · 21/09/2005 09:07

Yes, I agree that you should ring the EDA and ask for advice on how to handle it. I think it would be too hard for you to try and tackle on your own - your own problems are still so recent. If she opens up to you about her problems, the chances are that she will confide in you and no-one else, and that's a really big responsibility for you to bear.

ninah · 21/09/2005 09:11

great advice from wwb
I remember you littlelamb, brilliant news you are doing do well! did you get sorted out at college? really great news
and yes, be aware that you are still vulnerable so your friend may need other support too. It must be strange to see the problem from outside. Don't get dragged back, please! take care, Ninah

littlelamb · 21/09/2005 17:11

Thanks Ninah. I'm just aboout to go into my final year at uni, but the financial side is really getting me down I can't see how this year is possible financially. But I am determined to do it, even if I have to live on baked beans! I'm also going to stand for student parent rep, there is so much that needs changing. I think I'm going to ask my friend over one night at the weekend so we can have a proper talk when the girls are asleep. It is very strange seeing it from the outside, it's made me realise just how isolated I must have felt, because I don't think anyone could have made me help myself, just as I am afraid that I can't help my friend. But I will keep trying, I realy couldn't bear to see her get worse

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ninah · 21/09/2005 17:27

well I am thrilled at your news and your positive attitude. Last time we chatted you were distraught about finances at college and you couldn't see a way round it, I know things are still tough but hey! you're about to start final year Well Done! and well done for student/parent rep, go girl!
It is good you are so supportive to your friend. Just be sure you stay strong. You have achieved SO much!. All the best to you.

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