I'm pretty sure my husband is an alcoholic - how do I convince him to get help?

[oldbean]

This is probably going to be a very long thread but I'd be grateful for your advice. My husband has "enjoyed" a drink for as long as I have known him (nearly 20yrs). He has a job which involves lots of socialising and works in an industry where heavy drinking is the norm.

We have had lots of conversations about his drinking - when he has got completely pissed at parties, when he has come home at 2/3/4 in the morning, when he has called me, drunk, at 7pm to say that he's just having a drink with a friend and won't be home for dinner, etc, etc. Last year things came to a head and I told him he either need to get help or our relationship was over. He had been going to strip clubs on several occasions after nights out and I found out about this.

He went to see a therapist, stopped drinking completely, stopped socialising after work and was extremely ashamed and upset about his behaviour. Everyone he works with noticed the change in him and commented on the fact that he wasn't drinking. He agreed that it was a positive step and that he felt better for it. I have told him what I think, that he isn't really capable of controlling what he drinks.

In the few months he has been going out to more work events and drinking. Although he is not staying out to the early hours he is drinking pretty heavily. Last week he went out for lunch, drank before lunch, had a bottle of wine and a brandy with lunch and was in a pub when I called him later that afternoon.

The problem is he thinks that if he comes home by 7 (no matter how drunk)and he is no longer going to strip clubs that I have nothing to worrry about. He said as much last week. My feeling is that he is still out of control and things are only going to get worse.

I just don't know what to say to convince him. Whilst he was not drinking a friend of a friend (recovering alcoholic) who has seen him drunk invited him to an AA meeting. A very old friend of my husbands also said that he no longer invited him to evenings out because he just got too drunk. We've talked about this and other signs which show how out of control he has been but I just don't think he gets it.

I'd love to be able to convince myself that he doesn't have a problem and that I am a control freak who doesn't want him to go out but the feeling I get when he comes home drunk tells me otherwise. Is it going to take another crisis to convince him? Is there any point in me asking him to try an AA meeting when he isn't convinced he has a problem? Sorry this is such a long message but I really would be grateful for your advice. Thanks.

I would seek support for your own self (focus on you) and this is where Al-anon could be useful. There are helpful to family members of problem drinkers and their literature is also useful. I would urge you to contact them.

There are often elements of co-dependency present within such relationships and I would suggest you read up on co-dependency as well. Its probably likely that you are enabling him too; enabling only gives you a false sense of control. How many times have you made excuses for him/covered up for him?.

If he is an alcoholic he cannot drink at all even socially. He doubtless thought he could - he's dead wrong there.

If he is in denial of his situation there is not a thing you can do yourself to change that.

You need to remember the 3cs when it comes to alcoholism:-

You DID NOT cause this
You CANNOT control this
You CANNOT cure this

Do not deny your own feelings here; he does have an ongoing problem with alcohol and ultimately you are NOT responsible for him. Not all alcoholics either even manage to get to AA meetings.

There are no guarantees here; he could lose everything and still drink. Ultimately he is not your responsibility.

Do you though still want to be around him now?.

Thanks Atilla, I will investigate Al-Anon. His therapist did mention co-dependency to him so I think you might be right there. I do still want to be around him because he is a great dad and a great husband, inspite of what I've just said. It's just the feeling that at some point the wheels are going to fall off that I can't get away from. thanks for your advice.

oldbean

Please investigate Al-anon as they can help you. Your H is putting alcohol before you and your family; his primary relationship is now with that and everything and everyone else is coming a dim and distant second.

You really do not want to wait around another 3-5 years to see if he has another sort of epihany; he may not. Also if he went to see a counsellor at your instigation last time around it was actually doomed to failure; he has to want to really seek help for his own self and no-one else. I do not mean this at all unkindly but as his wife you are the last person who can help him.

I would argue whether he is a good Dad at all to the children let alone a good husband to you. Is he really these, take the rose tinted specs off for a minute and really look at what he is doing to you all in your home. Women to my mind often write such things primarily because they do not themselves have anything at all positive to write about their man.

You can protect the children but you cannot protect fully from the realities of their Dad's alcoholism. As they become older they become far more aware of what is going on.
Growing up in a household where alcoholism is present really and truly does the children no favours at all. They will not thank you as adults for staying with such a man if you did choose to stay with him.

You may also want to read "Codependent No More" written by Melody Beattie.

The wheels came off your relationship a year ago and things are really no better now are they?.

Do you really want to spend the next 3-5 years like this?. It will do neither you and your children any good at all to be party to all this.