We think MIL might have dementia - any advice for DH and me?

[gardenpixie]

Hello,

MIL is in her early 70's; she's always been a bit eccentric but over the last two years her emotional and mental state has deteriorated.

She has trouble remembering things and gets confused very easily. For example, it was DH's birthday earlier in the month and she was convinced he was 57 when he is actually 37.

She loses things quite regularly (for example, she has left her keys in a cafe more than a few times) and forgets conversations that have happened only a few days ago. I guess we all have forgetful moments so it's hard to know what's "normal" and what's not.

The really worrying recent development has been mood swings and sudden fits of anger. She gets particularly aggressive if someone reminds her of something she has forgotten and will often lash out if she is feeling confused. She can get quite abusive and insulting too eg today, DH called up to arrange a time to go round as she wanted him to pick something up from her home - she couldn't remember asking him to do this and, when he reminded her that she'd called up about it a week ago, she told him to fuck off and then hung up. (I've known her for six years and she hardly ever swears, and certainly not the f word)

Two of her sisters live close by and we have considered talking to them about it but they don't really get on that well with MIL. They have also said in the past that they think MIL is DH's "responsibility" when she is not well so it's usually DH and me who go round to look after her when she's under the weather.

FIL and MIL divorced thirty years ago and he's not that interested in her welfare either and won't talk to DH about it.

DH and I are very worried but don't know whether we should talk to her about it (as she gets very angry so quickly) or not. We both feel a bit out of our depth TBH and don't even know whether she does have a problem or whether we are worrying unnecessarily.

We just keeping thinking that if something is wrong, it's better for her to get help sooner rather than later; but we don't know whether we should try to get her to see her GP or if there are any other options we could investigate.

Sorry for the long post! Any advice would be so gratefully received and thanks for reading this.

Well, she sounds very like my mum, so I'd say something was going on.

You could call her GP explain your concerns, and they may well investigate when she is next in or call he for a 'routine' checkup

Thanks CMOTdibbler I didn't realise we could do that; that sounds like a good place to start.

My mum had dementia - Alzheimer's. It can make people very aggressive and this is deeply upsetting. My mum tried to hurt the children several times - very frightening but it wasn't her it was the disease. Her GP was great. My brother and I went to see her and she said she'd noticed mum being very repetitive and unlike herself and she was very relieved we had come to see her so she could begin to make referrals etc. To be honest Mum's care wasn't great - she got worse very fast and died two years later. But we knew what we were dealing with. If the same happens to me I would want to be in a home with appropriately trained staff because caring for someone with dementia is extremely tough. The earlier you can talk to people about your concerns the better you can idenity the resources available to you.

Go here for some good and sympathetic advice. There are chat forums too so you can talk to people more experienced or who are going through similar problems.

[alzheimers.org.uk]

alzheimers.org.uk

Oops!

Def speak to the GP. It could be Altheizmers, but I had an aunt who got dementia as a result of having thick blood (don't ask em the technical details!) and it could have been corrected. Unfortunately it had been going on for so long that by the time they worked this out, the dementia was irreversible.

Oops. Excuse my spelling.

Thanks Kitty really appreciate the advice - I'll have a look at the website with DH this afternoon. I just keep thinking that if it was me, I'd want someone to do something rather than just letting me get worse and worse...

I am sorry to hear about your mum - but thank you for sharing your experience, I think DH and I both know we have to do something so it's incredibly helpful to hear how other people have approached it.

Fedup wow that's a real incentive to do something - thank you. Sorry to hear about your aunt though

The GP should definitely be your first port of call - with someone going with your MIL (she will forget what she is told if she has dementia). My MIL has dementia (Alzheimers) and this is where we started. The GP referred her to a specilaist clinci, she was assessed for medication (which she subsequently refused to take) and also visited by social services etc. Help is out there.

My MIL is very agressive to PIL who is her carer (we live 250 miles away) which gets him down but as previous posters say the agression is part of the disiease. Sadly the person offering the most care to is the one who seems to bear the brunt of this agression.

Anmother thing your DH should do is obtain a Lasting Power of Attonrey so that when the time comes he can take control of her finances etc. This must be made whilst she is capable of signing her own name and able to understand what she is doing.

Oddly enough, apparently urinary infections in older people can sometimes give rise to similar symptoms, so its certainly better to have a word with her GP and hopefully have them check her over - it may be something which can be sorted, or at least slowed down, and even if not, getting the GP aware that it may be developing will be easier than having to jump in at a later stage when things may be trickier.

Amuminscotland that is really interesting - and a good reason for getting her to the GPs as soon as we can!

Pixie and Amothersplace that's great advice, thank you.

Sounds like you definately need to speak to the GP. Amuminscoptland is right urine infections can often bring on exagerated symptoms of dementia or make current dementia symptoms worse.

It's definately a good idea to get some idea of what's going on here so you can start making some long term plans. It's a very stressfull thing to deal but it helps if you can get practical affairs in order sooner rather than later.

Thanks Connor - how odd about the urinary infections. I had no idea! I do feel a bit clueless at the moment.

DH is going to contact MIL's GPs today and hope that they can see us or that we can at least email / write to one of the GPs about our concerns.

We both really appreciate everyone's advice so big thanks from us xx