This morning my mum was searching for the child she clearly remembered putting to sleep the night before. The child was Possibly me.

[QS]

She was very distraught that she could not find the child anywhere in the house. She said she was sure she put a child to sleep, like she always does, and this morning, there was no child. She was searching everywhere.

Alzheimers is a cruel illness.
I imagine the world as she knows it now must be very bewildering. She is slipping in and out of different scenarios, different ages, of both herself and her children.

It wont get any easier from now on.

That is so

It must be very difficult for you all.

Did you manage to calm her down?

It was my poor dad who told me. She was quite calm when I saw her, we had dropped the children off to theirs for an hour or so as we both had courses to attend this evening.

I am not sure whether it is safe anymore for us to let them watch the kids (8 and 5) for a short while, when things have deteriorated so rapidly with my mum. We only ever do this once or twice a year.

how long has your mum had this confusion.I had a very loved relative who had this illness.She thought she was the child .She kept saying relatives were coming round to see her .Alas these relatives were in her childhood,so they had been dead many years as she was in her 80s her self.It is a wicked illness and causes every 1 involved so much sadness and pain.Be sad for your mum not to see her grandchildren perhaps you could take them there when you can stay as well.It will give your dad respite as well as they do wander off and go missing.My aunt went missing so many times looking for the house she use to live in as a child.In the end we had to have her put in a nursing home 1 that had codes to get out as she was such a danger to her self.just walked out in the road.Hope this dosent happen to you.Be strong as i know you will need to be .Do u live near your mum.Get social services involved.I had to have to get my aunt bathed every week a a bathing centre for this kind of situation as she wasnt taking care of any personal hygeneand hadnt bath for weeks and weeks.GOOD LUCK.GOD BLESS XX

They often get confusion regarding children. My dad was always upset because he didn't know when the children would be collected and he had no food for them. He has never been in charge of any children since i was little.
Apparently its because the human brain is programmed to nurture.
In the care home where my dad is now they have several dolls for the residents to 'look after'
Its is hard, sometimes I find I have to look at the funny side of incidents or it would all be too much.

Oh your poor mum QS. I think we all know how horrible that 'can't find my child' feeling is and to be trapped in a mind that makes that happen to you must be hideous :(

My GM was like this - but she had a different illness and she was dying. In her case it was a comfort as she was convinced I was her daughter (who died as a baby) and she then believed she had all her children around her in her last days.

Please do make sure you dad gets some help - it's tremendously hard looking after someone will AD. He probably won't want the help initially but if he can just go out one day a week and get away, it'll be good for him.

I ended up doing the majority of the caring for my nana to give my parents time to adjust once this awful disease took hold. It seems so quick sometimes. Its is best to start looking at care and help options now, and get help for yourselves and your father.

Remember she will always be the same person, just not always in the right place. My thoughts are with you.

My grandmother was like that over the last week or so of her life -- she knew she was in hospital and kept collaring people and telling them that she was terribly worried about who was looking after [my father] because he was only four (I think flashing back to when she'd had TB in the mid-1940s and been in a sanitorium). That was hard enough to deal with; I can't imagine what it's like to see your mother gradually drifting away from you down that path with no end in sight, knowing that soon you'll lose her entirely.

Your poor mum

My aunt had this and sometimes she was so distraught about her children that my parents took my little brother and sister to see her at night just so she could sleep in peace.

Alzheimers seems to be prevalent in my dad's family. Aunt and uncle both had it.

Thinking of you and your family at this difficult time.

Oh, that sounds terribly sad. For all of you. I hope Norway provides good healthcare and social support for people with Alzheimers and their families?

I think it's Oliver James' mother in law who has done the work showing that going with people who have Alzheimers - not contradicting them - can be beneficial. Don't have a link, I'm afraid, hope google can help (OJ may be a tosser on many topics but his MIL sounded worth listening to.)

hi QS, i've also seen dolls being used. for some it can be very calming. not sure how you would introduce something like that, carefully i guess.
i'd be careful of contradicting what she really believes to be true and this can increase her anxiety and fear.
hand massage can also be calming and may be useful while she's fretting.

qs Its horrible, I see my gran getting worse all the time, we wondered if she was aware but my mum found a little notebook and she had been writing her phone no down (was wrong) and other stuff so I reckon she does, also my grandads really not been well recently but he is getting better now and he has finally admitted she is getting worse (after years of denial) so is going to see gp about getting her assesed (she still has driving licence etc) although hasnt driven for a long time.
I think you should speak to your dad re leaving the kids and if he feels up to it, it would prob do your mum and dad the power of good as long as your dad agrees to look after them.

just had a memory from the sad time my aunt was suffering from this illness.If you try to contidict them they can be very aggresive so just go along with what they say.it saves them getting distressed as they think you are tricking them as they do believe what they are thinking is true.I use to get so frustrated untill i looked up what was going to be expected as the illness progressed.In the end my aunt didnt know me she use to call me lady like i was one of the carers at the nursing home even though she pracitcally brought me up was more like a mum.

We first started noticing the onset of the illness at the end of 2007, but I am realizing now that she had symptoms of early stage Alzheimers long before then. With me living in London and my sister in Spain, we only saw our parents twice a year, for Christmas and summer holidays, and thought they were managing well. (Having said that, my father is paralyzed after a stroke and in a wheelchair, and mum is looking after him, but it was going well)

Realizing what way they were headed, we moved from London to Norway just over two years ago, to be nearby. But she has deteriorated so much the last year.

I also find that going along with it is much less distressing, unless it is a safety issue.

She had her assessment in spring, and got her diagnosis, and lost her driving license. Sadly she is in denial, as is my father. So, she is figthing to get her license back, and in fact, the hospital has granted her one attempt with a driving teacher on tuesday....

I am finding it very hard, because my father is going along with everything she does, for an easy life, as he is so dependent on her. If he doesnt play along, she may punish him, and go to bed without putting him to bed first, etc. Or she may just go out, and he is left home alone in his wheelchair, stressed and worried.

Everybody is focusing so much on my mum these days I think we are failing my father.
He is very anxious, he cant sleep, he is wide awake in bed at night, yet he wont apply for sheltered housing or nursing home. I cant do that on his behalf, he has to do it, as the application must come from the applicant!

Thank you so much for sharing your stories, it makes me feel a little less alone with everything.

O

Oh QS how terrible for you and your parents. It is such a very cruel illness :(

Reading your last post though I wonder if you could get some care of some kind? Someone to come and help your dad get to bed so that he isn't reliant on someone who is mentally ill for his care.

It might be better to get someone now before your mother gets any worse. You could frame it as being too much for your mum to cope with/he's too heavy etc rather than you don't trust your mother to do it. Do you think they might go for that?

I just know how hard it is for the partner and when your father has a disability that's going to make it even more difficult

They are already under the care of a Home Nursing Service, a nurse visits twice a day, in the morning to help my father up, and to give them medication, late afternoon for medication, too. My father can call any time, as they are on call just a block away from them. But he does not want to cause a fuss.... They also get "meals on wheels" as my mum is not able to plan a meal and cook any more. She is also unable to get a shopping list together, so it is mostly me sorting their groceries out. (No online groceries here)

It must be so confusing for her, her mind playing such tricks on her.

She just rang me. She is going out driving with an old friend who used to be a driving instructor at some point...... Fingers crossed!!

Don't stop taking the DCs round though, even if you don't leave them. It amazes me that younger children are so tolerant of illnesses like this - often seeming to understand it more than we do. My ds (aged 4) has never queried my grandmother asking him the same question 10 times in as many minutes. It is as though he has access to her through another level in her mind, if you see what I mean.

I wouldnt stop taking the children round, no way! I just would not leave them alone there for any lenght of time. An hour tops! We do still enjoy our visits, and my sons dont question anything. I think it is good for children to be with grandparents, even if they are old and frail. They love them.

It sounds like you're doing all you can. I know how difficult it is. My friend's mother didn't recognise her (or got her confused with her sister) a lot in the last year or so of her life which was very upsetting to my friend but still enjoyed going out for lunch and seeing her grandchildren. I hope your mum is able to have that level of balance between good and bad times too.

Don't know if this is any help but my Grandma used to get very upset and confused when she couldn't find my Grandad (He's been dead for years!) We found the best way to calm her down/stop her worrying/stop her getting upset was to be very factual with her. For example on the way to bed she would say "When is Albert coming home, I should wait for him?" this would usually end in her getting upset/confused/anxious etc So we just started to say in a kind but factual manner "Albert won't be coming home he died 10 years ago" to which she'd say "Oh well I'll go to bed then" Don't know if it's something you could try when she's looking for the children like saying you won't find them becasue they are grown up and have their own house.

Old photo albums, music from her era are a great idea. My Grandma loved the book of photos of the town she grew up in taken when she was little she could remember that time clearly.

hiya,
I've recently stopped caring for my MIL after she has finally gone into a hospice, but we were dealing with many issues ( dementia, stroke damage, type 1 diabetes, incontinence, total dependance really - unable to feed herself or drink, or even the last few months swallow, whilst caring for a pregnancy & resulting DD plus my Dad being diagnosed & dying within the week of Lung Cancer at the other end of the country) plus of course the resulting mad dash for respite for the MIL, & getting there to say goodbye to Dad. Annus Horriblis? The Queen has nothing on us lol!

Sorry ramble ramble , ( I blame it on the yummy zinfandel) :o

Anyways to get to the point, I found this website very helpful to understand whats going on & strategy's to try & help with the situation, even if it is an american site.

www.caring.com/

Wishing you the best of luck & thinking about you & yours xx much love xx chin up xx