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Original poster

Cancer carer

16 replies

trulyscrumptious43 · 19/08/2010 22:59

I don't know where to go with my problem, I've ended up here.
My partner has lung cancer and is in 3rd cycle of chemo.We met the surgeons today and they will operate in three weeks.
BF is very down with the chemo and weak.
But he feels that I don't care about him. He has been quite vitriolic about this today and has just taken himself off to sleep on the sofa. I don't know what to do. I try to do all I can, I'm obviously not up to the job.

OP posts:

FeedMeSeymour · 19/08/2010 23:16

Sorry to hear about what you're both going through. It is very tough caring for someone with cancer. Check out this site though, they have lots of resources including a discussion forum and a phone helpline where you can just talk to someone if you need to.

www.macmillan.org.uk/Home.aspx

I'm sure he knows that you do care about him. He's angry, understandably, and is just projecting it at you because you're there. It's easier to shout at those you love than to shout at the tumour, or God or whatever.

Original poster

trulyscrumptious43 · 19/08/2010 23:28

I saw their discussion forum tonight but I couldn't see a list for 'crap carers' so I left it!
Sadly he's decided to leave tomorrow and go and stay at his mums (250 miles away).I feel rotten.

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Original poster

trulyscrumptious43 · 19/08/2010 23:32

Is it normal for someone under chemo to feel resentful and nasty?
This is so unlike his normal self, I don't know what's real.
Either he doesn't want me in his life any more or the treatment has given him a personality transplant.

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FeedMeSeymour · 19/08/2010 23:37

Ah I'm sure you're not a crap carer. I bet he doesn't actually know what he wants and if he doesn't how can you?

His Mum isn't going to be able to do anymore than you but sometimes I think we are able to allow ourselves to be more vulnerable with our Mum than we could with anyone else. Don't beat yourself up about it and give it a couple of days. I'm not sure that I'd be acting entirely rationally if I were in his shoes.

StormyWeather · 19/08/2010 23:40

truly, are you both quite young? I've just come through chemo, and about to start RT, and though I didn't feel incredibly great, I'm pretty sure I wasn't resentful or nasty - just blinkin' tired and sick feeling. However, if he's quite young he's probably resenting the fact that he's got cancer at his age.

It may do you both good if he goes off to his Mums for a while - she'll spoil him rotten!

KurriKurri · 19/08/2010 23:43

Sorry to hear you are both going through this Truly. I have been treated for cancer and can tell you that hitting out at your nearest and dearest is unfortunately not that unusual, you have so many mixed up thoughts and emotions, lots of anger and fear.

Also I found that the steroids had a pretty strong effect on my mood when I was having chemo, and made me very irritable.

Macmillan are a very good organisation and have lots of advice definitely worth trying their helpline. A Macmillan nurse might be helpful for him (they are not just for terminal patients they are for any cancer patients).

I would also mention his anger and feelings to his consultant, he may need something like anti-depressants for a while to help him through this stage of his treatment. There are people at the hospital who can help with the emotional side of cancer, - occupational therapists, counsellors, even palliative care Doctors. Worth asking what is available where you are.

It's a tough thing to deal with, please try not to be down on yourself, you are doing a good job, and your partner knows this. Remember to look after yourself too, so you don't get too worn out. Take care, and best wishes to you both

Original poster

trulyscrumptious43 · 19/08/2010 23:52

Thank you for these wise words. We are 45 and 47 respectively, so not that young!
I'm not sure if he's on the steroids this week - I'll ask him.
In terms of asking at the hospital if there's counselling for either of us, I think he'd hit the roof. He wants to handle it all himself.

I think the trouble today started with him being very dismissive of me in front of the surgeon, which I found difficult. I didn't know where to put myself and was quiet on the drive home, which made him angry.

He is upset that I am not around more (I'm a self employed lone parent) but at the same time says that he is an 'Island'. He doesn't want to be on his own but he isn't nice company at the moment.

OP posts:

StormyWeather · 20/08/2010 00:06

Aw truly, you're having such a hard time of it. I can't say the steroids had that kind of effect on me. Having said that, I have amazing support here from my hubbie and the children. Of course you're supporting your partner but he seems to think that's not enough.

I mentioned above that perhaps him going home to his Mum would be good for both of you but didn't expand on that thought. What I meant was it will give both of you time and space to hopefully put things more into perspective, I hope.

You know something - I do think it's worse for the person who's not ill when something like this happens.

Anyway, keep your chin up - I know it's hard, but will be keeping fingers well and truly crossed for you and your partner.

Original poster

trulyscrumptious43 · 20/08/2010 00:13

Thank you. Crying now!

OP posts:

Mumi · 20/08/2010 01:05

Let it breathe for now and try not to let him leave on a bad note.

My mother was already one to impart more than her fair share of vitriol before her cancer, but was even more resentful after diagnosis. The Macmillan nurse was great to talk to about this as she'd seen it all before.

Anyway, when Mum had professional care for a short while, she didn't like it being done by a stranger so she asked for it to stop. It was only then that she seemed to realise how much she needed and wanted the only other people who could take up the care (us, her children) and things did improve somewhat then.

I know your situation is different but what I'm trying to say is that, If he's not usually like this, hopefully he'll get a bit of perspective after some time and space apart and realise that having you around as much as you can be is a lot better than the alternative.

lisad123isgoingcrazy · 21/08/2010 22:39

wanted to say that some days are harder than others. My DH is grumpy as hell some days and the run up to appointments are terrible. I think its good to have a break for both of you, its very hard to deal with and you both need some time for yourselfs.
Hope your ok, feel free to CAT me if you need a chat. And your not crap, we all deal with things differently x

triplets · 22/08/2010 23:10

Hi Truly, gosh I feel for you, I am in the same boat sadly too. My DH was diagnosed with bowel/liver cancer in Jan 08. He had 6 months chemo and 3 lots of liver surgery. In July 09 he was clear. In Jan this year we were devastated to find it had retd to his liver and there was new spread to his lungs. He is currently on a trial chemo which had been truly awful, he started in March and his last one is 8th Sept. Tomorrow he has the scary ct scan, I am so scared all this will have been for nothing. He has been very very bad tempered on this chemo, the first 3 days after it he is on steroids, eats well, full of energy etc. Day 4, today he is a totally diff person, snappy, irritable, doesn`t want to eat, really horrible to live with, no-one can say or do anything right. This will last now for the next 10/12 days, then its time for his next chemo. We are older parents of 12yr old triplets, poor kids have been bawled at all day, its been very hard on them.I exploded at him the other day, it just all came out, I know he is scare, I know its not me going thru it, but its very hard on us all. Our lives have been turned upside down, its difficult to plan anything as we never know how he is going to be from one day to the next.We lost our first child 16 yrs ago, I felt then that nothing as bad could ever happen to us again, this is different of course, but I am so scared for the children, their little lives have changed beyond recognition in the last 3 years.I do belong to the Mac website, many of us are carers, its been a lifeline to me, please think about that. I hope and pray that your partner will soon make a full recovery, do look after you, you are important. xx

lisad123isgoingcrazy · 22/08/2010 23:29

hope things are improving triplets, thinking of you for ct scan ((hugs))

triplets · 22/08/2010 23:35

Hi Lisa, thank you.......just peeked at your profile, your girls are pretty like you! So sorry you too are living with ths rotten disease, I hope your DH will beat the beast, he is very young, its just not fair.

lisad123isgoingcrazy · 22/08/2010 23:49

hi triplets, thank you very much, its been a long fight and one we arent winning right now but im sure we will.
You girl is so beutiful, couldnt see the ones of the boys well but your other son looked very sweet.
stay strong we will get there Im sure

triplets · 23/08/2010 18:44

Hi Lisa if you scroll down there is one of the boys, all taken on our road trip thru California in 07! Poor DH woke up this morning covered in a rash from the chemo, it drives him mad. Went for his scan this morning, we went shopping then were to meet him for lunch, he got to the hosp at 10.40am, didn`t get out until 1.50pm, very very fed up! He has bowel/liver/lung.

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