I don't want to go!

[ANoneeMoose]

Apologies in advance for the very long post!

Just a bit of background dd is 2, it was an unplanned pregnancy and rather a shock to dh and I. I was quite unwell throughout, nothing serious just felt very under the weather for the duration, I was also terrified of the idea of giving birth, so much so that I regularly sobbed hysterically at dh and midwife and developed quite bad insomnia. Eventually at 20 wks I was referred to consultant midwife and afterwards consultant whom I begged to let me have a caesarean, the consultant reluctantly agreed to consider it but the midwives were very unsupportive, so I was told I would have to wait until I was 36 wks to have an appointment with the consultant to finally agree.
The stress all became to much and at 35 wks I went into labour, and 67 hours later had my daughter, during which time everything I didn't want to happen happened. I wasn't allowed to speak to my midwife or consultant, I was told several times I was being ridiculous b/c I was terrified of what was going on and I also have a hospital phobia. I was not allowed a caesarean but had a failed epidural, my dd was back to back so was told I would have to have a forceps delivery, which was my ultimate fear, by a dr who had been nasty to me from the beginning, in the end I agreed as long as she didn't do it! ( I blame the gas and air for my bolshy state) fortunately the new dr managed to turn dd and I didn't need forceps but I was left with internal tears which needed stitches.
After the birth dd and I stayed in for a week where I was given conflicting information about how to feed as she was struggling and reduced to tears more than once for insisting I wanted to take her home. ( In the end she was ff as the hospital forgot to tell anyone they'd released us and I was left over bank holiday wkend with no support)
Fortunately it was love at first sight with dd but unfortunately I've had endless problems since, my internal stitches healed but caused my pelvic floor to over tighten which left me in alot of discomfortand this coupled with a huge fear of falling pregnant again has caused issues with dh and . Also the insomnia didn't go away and was coupled with nightmares/flashbacks of the birth and I had huge self esteem issues
when dd was 6 months I went to doc with all this and was referred to a physio and then to a gyny.
it took a huge amount of will power to go and when I did she was useless! She told me the was probably psychological and to come back in 6 weeks if the local anaesthetic she prescribed didn't work
14 months later my appointment has come through, I have managed to work through a lot of the psyc crap on my own which makes me even more certain that my problem although better than a year ago is still a physical problem. But tbh I'm really not sure I want to drag all of this up again and go through being poked and prodded by someone who just thinks I'm slightly unhinged, on the other hand I would like to be 100% ok again and I would also like to eke out a signed in blood promise that I can have a elc if I had another.
What to do ladies what to do? apologies for the long and incoherent ramblings

re elective cesarian - I think you could save money for it and go privately

Moose, that sounds awful
Have you had an appointment with the hospital to talk through what happened at the birth and what went wrong? Obviously you know what happened but it can sometimes help to talk about it?

Also, where are you? There are charities all over the country that deal with exactly the kind of trauma that you went through, might be worth trying to find out if there is anything like that near you?

When you say it's probably psychological, what are you talking about exactly? (sorry, have read your post but I don't quite understand).

Everyone you have dealt with does sound a bit crap.. have you been able to talk through things with them or have they just been totally useless and dismissive?

Sorry read this back and realised I didn't really explain, basically b/c of the stitches I've had over tightening of the muscles in my pelvic floor which has left me in pain, particularly when exercising or having sex. however gyny said the pain was pyschological because of the nightmares and flashbacks I told her I'd experienced post birth, which I thought was bollocks and as I no longer have the flash backs (except when near a hospital) I know the problem is physical, although it's not so bad now.
Yes everyone was crap imho but not sure if after 2 years when I'm finally getting over it I want to drag it all up again, although it might help especially as dh is keen for number 2
I'm in the south btw

Hi darling

It's awful, and I do sort of know how you feel. I never did the post-birth counselling thing, and I wish I had (DS is 2.7 now, so prob a bit pointless)

It sounds like you bonded with your DD immediately, don't push aside how important this is and how good it is that you had that 'moment' when she was born, despite what happened.

With DS I had a fully 'natural' birth. I abused my TENS machine, I laboured naturally and quickly, the MW was in shock when she realised I was 8cm and they'd better get me downstairs (despite much shouting and begging and 'fucking help meeeee's!!)

After I had DS the placenta refused to budge. They tried all the trick but nothing worked. I had to be wheeled off to theatre (minus DS ) to have the placenta removed (think gynae arm up to ribs hurg). I honestly thought I was going to die. I'd done my bit, DS and DP were together and I thought I was done.

It took me a LONG time to sort this out, and I totally apprecitate that people with more difficult birhts will think I'm being precious, but it was fucking awful.

I did have counselling (with a place called Oxpip) and they were amazing. I known it's difficult to drag it all up again, but it's different when you're actually talking about it. Once you properly talk, it stops going round and round in your head when you have a minute to yourself.

So sorry if this is random and ranting, I hope you glean something helpful from my mumblings. x