Vasectomy - normal to feel sad?

[liebackandthink]

DH has vasectomy booked but I am feeling really sad about it... is that normal?

We have two children and we'd love more, but my pregnancies and subsequent health problems have been horribly difficult. I'm healthy now and back at work which is fantastic.

I've always struggled with hormonal contraceptives (made me depressed) and we've been using condoms but they seem to split and fall off with alarming regularity, despite trying different brands etc.

So at the mo we are abstaining but it's pretty crap and we don't want to do that until I'm 50.

A vasectomy seems logical but it feels so sad. Is that normal? Are we doing the right thing?

My dh has finally decided to look inot this.

we have 2dc and are shut for business now, but I do think that a certain level of sadness that the child bearing period of your life is over is normal.

hi, yes it's entirely normal to feel sad about this. My DH has this procedure about 2 years ago, for similar reasons as you, but it has been the source of much regret to him particularly, and us as a couple too. Do not take the medical 'bumpf' you will be given as a fair and balanced assessment - it is usually very sparse and plays down the emotional and physical effects of a vasectomy. It is an acknowldged fact that between 10 - 30% of men (mine included) go on to experience long-term discomfort, in addition to any psychologocal damage that may result - check out BUPA website and countless others. Had I known what I know now I would have had the coil fitted - maybe a thought? You should be offered counselling before you commit to this procedure - If you are take it! If not, ask why not. Do your research first, once this is done there is no turning back. Reversals are impossible on the NHS and mostly don't work as your partner will very likely develop anti-sperm antibodies and become immune to his own sperm - another thing you won't be told. I hope this helps.

scottishmumof2, thanks for sharing that! This is mainly why I have told dh that he isn't to do this now. I really wanted him to last year. He has a huge dr/hospital phobia & was fighting it in order to have it done.

But I have said no! I don't want him suffering. There was a case I read about a guy, similar to dh in that he had a huge phobia & it really affected him mentally after wards. The whole having to go through the procedure. His wife commented that he wasn't the man he was & is really suffering. NO way do I want that for dh!

Mr Tarty and I would never ever consider this. We are imminently expecting dc 4 and even talking about not having another made us dreadfully sad so we have decided not to decide yet. I think what you are both experiencing is entirely normal particularly if your DH is phobic too. Well done you for being kind enough to know that this isn't an easy and quick fix as so many people claim.

Hi Different.... I am glad that you found my post helpful. I witnessed the effect of this on my DH. I saw a normally strong and self-confident man sob in the knowledge he had made an irreprepable mistake, and even now 2 years on it affects his self esteem and has altered his outlook. Looking back now, I think he went into a period of mild depression and became withdrawn for months, similar to a menopause in many ways. We have not changed our minds about wanting more children, but the procedure itself and on-going discomfort that he still experiences have left a cloud that won't go away. If your DH already has a medical phobia,I think he would find this very traumatic, and I would think long and hard before signing up for it. There is no doubt in my mind that this is a much bigger deal for many men than you are lead to believe. Good luck in whatever you decide.

Thanks SMO2! We definitely don't want any more, but are not going to consider the vasectomy any more. I have read to many things now & I don't like the idea of long lasting side effects.

Dh has battle with anxiety, so I don't really want to mess with him in that way, if it can be helped. We had a terrible year last year & are both in a great place now, I would hate to change that!

I will stay on the pill for now. We both know where we are with that, and we are happy with that!

I hope your dh feels better soon!

Interesting. My DH is having his vasectomy in 4 weeks. We have weighed up the pros and cons and for us, it will be the right decision, we hope. I have two gorgeous children, and while I know I will be sad to be unable to have more cildren, the positive experiences of everyone we know locally who have had it are really reassuring.

i would suggest asking around as you dont want to base your decision on just a couple of neagative experiences that you hear about. I would imagine that, like many things, it depends on the dr and the patient.

sorry to hear your DH had such a bad time Scottishmum.

my dh had a vasectomy when ds was 5 months old. i have 3dc's and after 2 girls were so pleased to have a boy that i we both said no more unless we could guarentee boys, which obvioulsy u can't. So he had it done and all was fine until now, i really want another a]baby. ds is 20 months and i miss having a baby in the house and knowing i never will again is killing me.

dh has said if i really want he will have a reversal but i know it would be impractical to have another baby

I had problems with my pregnancy and a VERY bad experience in labour, plus complications afterwards, so my partner and I decided he should have a vasectomy as I also have trouble with the contraceptive pill and he doesn't enjoy sex as much using a condom.

(On the issue of condoms, we also had similar experiences and the only ones that worked for us were Durex Comfort.)

He had the vasectomy nearly a year ago and the procedure went well, but his orgasms were nowhere near as intense as they were before. He did a lot of research online and read some real horror stories, which I'm sure made things worse, but now his orgasms are as intense as they were before the vasectomy and we have no worries about unplanned pregnancies, hormonal problems and dodgy condoms!

There's always a risk and I feel very sorry for the couples who have had bad experiences, but we feel it's one of the best things we've ever done for our sex life.

Forgot to say, DD is 16 months, an only child and although I do feel a pang about that, I know we made the right decision.

Me and Mr P discussed htis over the years but he wouldn't do it even though we had 2 DCs and def. wanted no more- I would have had a termniation had I conceived.

A while back I was flamed on here for suggesting that sterilisation is more emotionally complicated than people admit- or tink.

I asked what would happen if your children died, and you wanted more. The responses I had amazed me- someone said kids weren't dogs and you couldn't just replace them. True but that is not really what I meant.

My DH always felt that if, God forbid, me and the DCs were wiped out on the M1 or something, he might marry again and want kids.

My kids are now adults- 23 and 21- and over the years I have seen plenty of couples who have split up, then the remaining partner has remarried and - either man or woman- been unable to have another family with their new partner due to sterilsation.

Vasectomy or sterilisation is very final and you do need to think of every possible scenario and be sure that in no circumstances whatsoever do you want any more children- with or without your current partner.

meanwhile- have you thought about a Mirena coil? I don't want to bark up the wrong tree here, but if your DH's condoms keep splitting or coming off, it is just possible he is not putting them on properly, or they are too big/too small for him- you can buy in different sizes.

Not sure where everyone is, we are not in the UK, but we had to go to a counselling session, to make sure we understood and thought about things like remarriage, children dying etc, and the finality of sterilisation. After this discussion, we had to sign to sya we had thought about it and then were able to make an appt for the actual vasectomy.

In answer to the OPS question, I woudl imagine it is normal to be a little sad that your child bearing times are over - I know I will be. But hopefully, there are so many other things to look forward to in the future.