Anyone have experience with anorexia?

[innocuousnamechange]

I just need someone to talk to about this. I had an appointment today with a counsellor from the depression and anxiety service. I've been waiting a long time for this appointment, since last year. I was truthful with her about everything, and the fact that since new year I think I'm having some problems with food. If anything, I expected her to tell me, or rather confirm, that I was bulimic. So it was a real shock for her to tell me that in fact she thinks I'm a purging anorexic Havign had a quick google (I know) I think EDNOS is more of an appropriate diagnosis, because my BMi is not underweight (19, though it started at 33) and becasue my periods haven't stopped. And, the most obvious of all, I don't have an anorexic body. I know the behaviours are there, but I feel a fraud tbh. SHe said in all likelihood I'd be referred to the eating disorder service, but she can't guarantee how long the waiting list is I hope it's not as long as the one I've just been on.
My problem is this. I feel like a fake. I don't feel anorexic, aqnd while I knwo that denial is all part of it, I am mortified to have that diagnosis when I look the way I do. The thought of having to go to the eating disorders clinic horrifies me, because of the way I look. I am grateful I finally had an appointment today, and I do feel a load has been lifted by knowing I'm going back to this woman next week to talk more as she was really really lovely. Can anyone reassure me that they felt frauds in their diagnosis too? Or that their reaction was to deny it? When the therapist said anorexia I was literally speechless and went to all sorts of lengths to describe why I couldn't be. I know that's an odd thing to say, but I need to know this is a normal reaction. I feel ready to tell my best friend about my problems, she knows all about the anxiety and depression, and to an extent the eating as i've lost so much weight, but I don't want her laughing if I tell her about the anorexia. And yes, I know that's my paranoia.

Also, regardless of your weight you need to get help to stop the bulimic behaviour as it can be really dangerous even if you're not 'that thin'. Puking a lot lowers potassium levels because it strips your stomach of minerals etc. and very low potassium can give you a heart attack.

yy Chil it was pretty serious apparently, but somehow managed to turn it round.

I still have no idea how. I've been a totally normal weight for about 10 years now, though still have issues around food, cooking, depression etc.

But I do eat and I'm alive.

innocuousnamechange - I'm not quite sure I understand why, just because you currently have a BMI of 19, you don't think you can qualify as anorexic. Have you stopped losing weight? Have you regained your ability to eat normally? If not, then you are going to look the part very soon, particularly if you take the attitude that you need to look the part before you start treatment.

Anorexia, in any event, is a term used to describe loss of appetite for any reason. People with severe gastroenteritis are anorexic for a while, and if you are severely anxious, this can make you can lose your appetite and get very thin (ie be anorexic). This can tip into anorexia nervosa (deliberate weight loss and controlling behaviour around food, rather than simple loss of appetite) in some people as a way of coping with their anxiety. Whatever is stopping you eating, it's an eating disorder and you need help before you do yourself permanent harm. As you have a serious problem with eating normally, an eating disorder service is a thoroughly appropriate referral for you - no question of you being fraudulent in any way. Your eating habits are totally abnormal and unhealthy.

hanks for all the advice, I've not been ignoring it, only just back online after 4 whole days tinkering with a broken router.
I'm going to have to take my dc to the appointment tomorrow as I've noone to have them She had said if I ever needed to bring them it wouldn't be a problem, but I don't relish the thought.
I've got several books from the library since last week and have been reading a lot about various things. I do appreciate that I am still losing weight so yes I will soon be medically underweight. I am unable to eat normally so I am going to accept any help I'm given, not least because the last few days I can feel some weakness in my teeth I've always had strong teeth and it looks like I've buggered them.

Like you, I felt ready to talk to my best friend about my eating disorder. It was such a good thing to do, she was wonderfully supportive and caring. It felt good to have someone "on my side" to help me through the worst bits.

I hope your friend supports you too, it makes the world of difference, not feeling alone. Eating disorders (whatever the kind) is such a lonely thing, don't you think?

Oh, and just to pick up a point from your OP, you said that your periods haven't stopped. Well, for me, periods stop when I am stressed, and not particularly underweight. But paradoxically, my BMI went down to 15 ish, and I still had periods, albeit lighter. So, they are not much of an indicator in my opinion.

I sincerely hope you get your appointment soon, the wait is the most agonizing part of things sometimes.

Two, it is lonely. My friend lives a distance away and I don't really want to email her baut this. I told her about last week'sappointment and she said 'we'll talk about it when I come next month. I've been meaning to talk to you about your weight loss but will wait to see you int he flesh' so I htink she pretty much knows. Funny thing is, I'm pretty sure she had an eating disorder when we first met. I think she still struggles with it, but not to that extent. So hopefully it will be good for both of us.
I think I am just super fertile I think I'd have to get to a very low weight indeed for my periods to stop. I do know I've lost a lot of weight. I just went to put my daughters books back on her shelf and in the light in her bedroom cold see the bones in my chest. Not pretty at all MY CBT lady said last week that she can't guarantee she is the person for me, but she was having an assessment chat with her supervisor this week so we'll see what she has to say. I'm going to call her firts thig to give her a heads up that the dc are coming. I really wish I dodn't have to bring them with me but I really don't have a choice. I'm goign to dig out dd's portable DVD player from whereever it's been buried and pray it still works and she can just watch a film with her headphones on

How old is your dd?

Ooh it's so good to have a friend that truly understands (crosses fingers for you).

I wrote quite a lot on MN early this year when I was struggling with anorexia, it turned into a bit of a diary for me, but it really helped me. Everyone here was supportive and non-judgemental. If you feel like talking some more, then the support can be very heartening.

My dd is 6. The more I think about it the more appropriate it seems to cancel the appointment. I really don't think it will be good for her to be there, even if she doesn't hear anything. She will know somehting is wrong and I worry she will pick up on things. I'll see if I can speak to the woman tomorrow before the appointment and see what she thinks is best> it's a pain that none of my friends can have them just for the hour, but its the holidays, I think everyone's struggling with childcare as it is.

Chill - The NHS guidelines state that BMI of 19-25 is 'normal'. Below 18.5 is underweight. 25+ is overweight.

Diagnosis aside, a BMI of 19 is very possibly not "very thin", I have the same BMI and am 5'7", size 10 with natural 32F breasts!.

The concern with the OP's diagnosis is that whilst from a clinical point of view her BMI is not low at the moment, there is a real risk that it will drop further and fairly rapidly given that the small amount of food being eaten is being purged up to 5x daily.

OP, I understand where you are coming from. I see that you feel a fraud because outwardly you don't look ill, you look slim, but not what most people think of when they think 'anorexic'. That you feel walking into the clinic you'll be judged by other patients or thought of as a timewaster.

The problem is that your condition is primarily psychological, like your therapist said, anorexics don't wake up 6st, anorexia is all about the thought processes and behaviour patterns that get them to 6st. You might not feel it, but you've done a brave thing and a great thing to recognise, acknowledge and address your problem before you get to the 6st stage. That's a good thing! It means that it's likely that you have saved yourself from the organ damage associated with anorexia & very low body weight. That said, if you have been given the dx of purging anorexia then that is what you are suffering from, I'm not trying to make light of your condition or say that it is not serious. It is.

Even though your body may not look 'anorexic', your brain is anorexic. You aren't a fraud. I understand your concerns but you genuinely require treatment and care before you get to the point where things are damaged beyond repair.

I have probably babbled like mad on this thread, sorry!

I have to get weighed regularly (twice a year) because I have IBD. It is a hangover of my ED that I do not want to know how heavy I am, because for irrational reasons it makes me feel rubbish. So, I ask them not to tell me and it's fine. How can anyone feel that a weight is a good or bad thing? It's a weight. I was diagnosed with anorexia too although my weight never got that low. You are not a fraud at all. Well done for finding support. You will find a way to live instead of a way to die. I still struggle with that although eating is not an issue thank god! I hope that doesn't sound too harsh.