Is this real or a symptom of something else?

[Tagetes]

Hi: I'm new to Mumsnet. I feel a bit of a fraud as I don't have children, but you all seem so sensible I'm hoping someone will read my ramblings and talk some sense into me. I wasn't sure where to post this so if anyone thinks it should be elsewhere do let me know.

Where to begin? For the past few days I have had terrible backache (lower right hand side). I went to the docs this morning and she diagnosed just a pulled muscle (I haven't been doing anything v strenuous) and prescribed paracetamol and to keep moving. I've been off work for the last 2 days with it (I'm a civil servant with a desk job) and intended to go in today but in the end couldn't face it and told my boss I would work from home.

Trouble is I haven't been - and I'm so demotivated it just isn't true. I don't have enough to do at work (big programme I was due to lead on has been cancelled because of financial situation) and public sector prospects are dire (I know prospects are dire for everyone else as well). I spend most of the day even when I am at work just faffing about on the internet - and I'm terrified I'll get found out (nothing dodgy but definite timewasting). I considered asking my desktop internet access to be withdrawn - but then I would have to explain why and I'm just too embarrassed.

The worst of this is - I'm nearly 50 and should know better (although that may be part of the problem - what am I doing with my life etc etc).

I found a small lump in my breast last week - being referred for a mammogram - although I've had a couple (mammograms, not lumps) over the past few years for painful breasts but with nothing found; now the backache, I rarely sleep properly and my sex life is nil - plus I'm post-menopausal. And I've had rheumatiod arthritis for a number of years, but it's well-controlled with drugs. OH is very understanding but I just feel I have lost all perspective and become a hypochondriacal (sp?), demotivated mess!

I love my garden, but apart from that do very little outside work - and that's so unfulfilling at the moment. But I live in a lovely place, have more than enough financially, and have a great (if currently sexless) relationship.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for. A kick up the backside probably! I have had counselling in the past but I don't really think I'm depressed. Or am I? Help!

Gosh, I wouldn't like to guess whether you are depressed or not, I'm not a professional, but you certainly sound like you've a lot on and I didn't want your post to get missed - it's not that people ignore, just that most people go on 'active convos' and the board moves so fast that threads sometimes drop off before they've been seen.

Not being able to face going into work, and not finding motivation are certainly symptoms of depression - but could also be something like a general feeling of being unfulfilled?

Sex? Lost your mojo? Ill-health or depression? Or is it your partner that isn't feeling like it?

Perhaps if you could take some time out? holiday leave? some time to yourself to work out how you feel?

Also, the lump is bound to be worrying, don't underestimate the effect that must be having.

And finally...

bump in the hope that people wiser and more helpful than me will see this.

Hecate: thanks so much for the reply (and the bump). Don't worry - I wasn't expecting an instant response!

I think I am generally unfulfilled. I'm pretty well paid for what I do (or rather, don't do, at the moment) and a bit of me thinks I should just kick back and enjoy it while it lasts - sorry if that offends anyone. They won't make me redundant because it would cost too much! But I have never felt like this before - so bored, useless etc.

The lack of sex life is sort of mutual. Neither of us have ever been particularly fussed, but it's definitely tailed off since I started the menopause. At first I thought "yippee, no contraception!" but have since realised that's not a benefit if you don't actually do it We are trying to address it but it feels like a lot of effort at the moment.

My Mum died 4 years ago of non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. The lump, the backache, night sweats...I'm talking myself into having something far worse than I have probably got, and that's not helping either, but I know if I was more into other stuff I wouldn't be focussing on it.

It does sound like you're pretty low and you've lost your - love for life?

I'm sorry about your mum. I know that you never 'get over' the death of a loved one, you just learn to live with it.

But the thing is - you have to live while you're here. You're only (nearly) 50. You may have as many as another 50 ahead of you! You have to decide how you're going to spend them.

Health concerns and relationship matters aside you're obviously bored & in a rut. If you could find an absorbing/worthwhile hobby or cause to sink yourself into, you might rediscover some purpose or joy in life. This link to Do-It.org advertises vacancies for volunteer organisations - you might find something in there that you feel motivated to try. And if you don't get much out of your job and you're financially secure, why not ask if you could take a sabbatical? Travel or take a course in something you're interested in.

As far as relationships go, 'absence makes the heart grow fonder'. Spending time apart doing something interesting means you have more to be lit-up about when you get together. Setting up 'dates' can also get the fire back into a marriage. Good luck