Getting help for an eating disorder

[tiredandgrouchy]

This is about me so please forgive the namechange.
I have an eating disorder. I've been controllign what I eat more and more since about Christmas. Most days I eat nothing, i keep going on coffee and a few sweets. I eat dinner with my dc then I go and throw it up. When they are in bed I might have a few things to eat, but again it gets thrown up (sorry for tmi). I have realised that I am being sick at least 4 or 5 times a day, and it is never after eating a lot- it is after eatign anything at all.
I went to my Gp last year for anxiety and depression after the birth of my second dc. I've only just this week recieved a referral for an assessment from the depression and anxiety service. When I went initially, I was put on anti anxiety tablets which did help, they let me get some sleep, but in some ways I think have contributed to this mess, they reduced my appetite to nothing. I wa son tehm for about 5 months then stopped as I was feelign more in control. Only now I know I'm not in control
My appointment is for next week, and I guess I have to go. But I am horribly afraid. My dc1 finishes school next week and so both dc will be with me, I have noone who will look after them. I can't say any of this with them in the room. And I am horribly frightened that I am not underweight enough to get help. I have lost a significant ammount of weight as I was overweight to start with, but now my bmi is hovering at the 18-19 mark. People have told me they are worried about me, but I feel it's liek a complusion. I have to weigh myself throughout the day, and I have to lose weight every day. I don't see how I can stop. I am ashamed and frightened, but I know the damage I am doing must be bad. I feel dizzy and lightheaded most of the time, not to mention snappy and low. I have had a bad couple of years so I can see that circumstantially this is probably my way of dealign with that and tryign to make sense of soem things. But it doesn't make sense at all. Sorry for the ramble.
My worry is that I could be waiting another 10 months for a referral to the correct service

Didn't want to read and run so just to say you are being so very brave a)writing this down here and b)getting help. Not easy.

I think you just have to try to be honest - with your parents, your dp (do you have one?), your doctor. Open up and talk about it and chase all the shame away. It is an illness, it is nothing to be ashamed about. And there is help out there. I think if you have to wait months perhaps you can buy some books on the subject to see if you can make a start on beating this, although I appreciate it must be very scary to be face with the prospect of waiting. Have you ever tried Overeaters Anonymous? Don't be put off by the name, it's for people with all sorts of eating disorders and it's free. They should have a website.

Wishing you lots of luck. Sending you hugs. I hope you will continue to write about how you are feeling here so that you aren't alone with it all. I will be thinking of you.

bathbuns, my parents haven't seen me since christmas as they livve so far away. They have heard on the grapevine that I am looking skinny, and one of the things that has made me realise all is not well is that they are coming next month for a long weekend and all I can think about is how I am meant to hide this from them How on earth am I going to eat with them? I don't have a dp, him leaving was pretty much the catalyst of all this, leaving me with 2 dc without so much as a backwards glance unfortunately.
I couldn't do overeaters anonymous. For a start, I am stuck in with my dc as I don't have a reliable regular babysitter, and secondly, I still worry that I don't look sick enough to be taken seriously. i would feel a fraud. I have been reading up on things, have got some books from the library and I see myself in a lot of what I have read. Right now I am stuck between a faint concern that I will have a heart attack, and a real feeling that I can't stop this, no matter how much I might want to. I am that far into it. It's so damn tiring, I am exhausted, I am snappy and I hate it

You are doing the right thing by asking for help and accepting that you are no longer in control Well done. It's a big step, and such an important one.

You don't need to be underweight to have an eating disorder and please don't think that your're not bad enough for treatment. The sooner you get help, the sooner you can start thinking about the future. I found that eating problems were very effective at stripping away any kind of future.

It is exhausting throwing up all the time, and thinking about food all the time.

Have a look at B-EAT, the eating disorders association. There used to be self-help groups, and The EDA is now a big organisation.

You are not a fraud, and you must be very frightened. I found it helpful to think of what a very good friend would have done to help me, and decided that that good friend would have to be me. It's hard when all your energy is working against you.

The urge to hide away is very strong, and to pretend everything is normal. You have been very brave to write here. EDs are horrible, and you deserve all the help you can get. I was eventually put on Prozac, and for the first time in my life, I felt like a member of the human race, and my ed melted away.

Thanks sc.
I have some trazodone that I haven't taken since comign off them. I'm going to ask if maybe I should start them again, in the last couple of weeks that horrible tight feeling of anxiety in my chest has come back and I'd forgotten how horrible that was tbh
I feel bad because for the last few months I have felt on a bit of a high. I don't know why suddenly I feel so crushingly low but I suppose that is a symptom if lack of food. I am trying.

Gosh, yes. Depression definitely happens when you don't eat enough. It is a particularly insidious depression too as far as I remember. (had an E.D. almost 9 years ago. Fully recovered now)

Just picking up on what you said about you don't look ill enough/thin enough to go somewhere like O.A. Trust me - there are ALL shapes there. You will get people who are morbidly obese, people who are a completely average weight (most people who go are, in my experience) and a few people who are very underweight. The good thing about O.A is that everyone feels the same as you. Lots of other people in the room will feel they don't look thin enough to 'deserve' to say they have an ED. I know it's a big step but if you did decide to go and can get childcare, you will be among people who feel just the same and you don't even have to talk. Just sit and listen and let that message sink in and then one day perhaps you will be up to talking and participating, but it's ok if you can't.

Sending more hugs. I can see you are really hurting.

And I'm glad your parents are coming. It might be terrifying, but perhaps they can support you more once they know the full extent of this, even if that thought is terrifying.

Does your trazodone help with the eating? Anxiety can really mess up eating habits. You are in no position to digest food when you are being chased by a tiger.

I am more-or-less permanently on anti depressants these days, just to keep some hardcore gloom at bay. These days I feel part of the world. When I was ill, I used to sort of feel ok, then plummet like a rock from the sky. It was not a feel-good related to feeling at ease. For me it was a sort of filling a void.

There is a lot of shame bound up in self-destructive behaviour. People don't self-destruct for fun. It seems to happen when life has thrown things at you that you could do nothing about, and it's a way of coping with some sort of chaos.

I thought for a long time that I came from a nice middle class background, and that my family was "normal". I thought I had nothing to complain about and that there were people far far worse off than me. I felt very undeserving too. It was a terrible way to live.

Are your children a source of pleasure? Keep reaching out and keep posting!

Hi there. I have recently recovered from an ed (anorexia), but there are still bad times and good times. I have huge sympathy and empathy for you, as I know how agonising it is, and how exhausting and all consuming.

It is very frightening to consider opening up, but, believe me, once you take that first step, it gets much much easier. Someone on MN very kindly told me that it was like standing on a precipice on a cliff. You are standing there looking down, thinking "it's safe here, I don't want to move from here" but you have to take that step and leave the precipice to find the path home (or something like that!). The point being, an ed feels safe and secure, but of course in reality it is a lie, it is anything but safe, it is no way to enjoy life, as you know.

How to take that first step? There are various ways, but hopefully your GP could refer you to an eating disorders clinic, ask if your area has one. You don't need to be underweight, as you clearly have an eating disorder. Have you got a good friend who you feel comfortable with? That was my first step, to confide in my friend. Any do you know what? She was (and still is) wonderful, non-judgemental.

That's ultimately what you need, someone who is non-judgemental who can listen and support. I am not sure your parents would be the right people, they may become rather opinionated and worried. Do you think they would support you, or stir things up? Worth thinking about so you can plan what to do when they arrive. There is always the "I have a stomach upset" excuse isn't there? People eat very little when recovering from that, then they won't suspect anything. I had anorexia for about 9 months, and my parents only realised when my weight was seriously poor. I got away with it for a long time. I had no intention of telling them, as they are actually the cause.

Counselling is the key to recovery. Finding a new way of dealing with problems. Learning to like and love yourself. I understand that childcare is a problem, is there any way of finding childcare? Because counselling is very important. It is also a safe place, non-judgemental and, for me, I did not need to discuss what I was doing with anorexia, but the counsellor was very keen to explore the way I deal with life, so she could support me to change my thinking patterns. It does work.

One more thing! What really helped me was to see a healing therapist. She helped with the inevitable depression and helped to cut the bond between food and emotion. I can tell you more about that if you wish.

WIshing you all the best. I found posting on MN invaluable support. Please let us support you.

Are my children a source of pleasure?
Well, yes. I love them as they are my children. But I don't feel I am doing a good enough job with them. My eldest is 6 and is struggling with her reading and writing and I just don't feel I have enough time and energy to help her, and that makes me feel very guilty. I always found school very easy, I never really had to try, so her finding things difficult is hard for me as I can't imagine going to school and struggling. She adores school, has great friends, but has been lumped in the bottom group which bothers me more than it should at 6 tbh. My youngest is 2 and he is a handful. At times tbh I regret having him which is an awful thing to think. The relationship with my ex was not great when I fell pg and he wanted me to have a termination. And when I refused he left. I know I've had PND as the initial appointment with the dr gave a diagnosis of postnatal anxiety and depression, but a lot of that was circumstantial I think, rather than chemical per se. I just struggle with my son but I know thta my ability to cope is reduced anyway iyswim. He doesn't sleep well and is whiny. It's exhausting. I know a lot of this is symptomatic of PND but it is truly awful having a dc knowing that if you could do your time again you probably wouldn't choose to have I would still have my job for a start, and more time to help my dd out.
As for the eating, the trazodone wasn't prescribed for an eating problem, it was for anxiety. When I started takign them I was a size 18. I'm now an 8 but I can't see it which worries me. I find it very hard to talk to people about my problems, not least my family. We don't talk about feelings, which is probably why so many of us ended up messed up. We are expected to keep the stiff upper lip. This isn't the first incidence of eatign disorders in my immediate family. I have hopefully found someone to look after the dc during my appointment so that's a positive. But I am dreading havign to open up. The quote about being chased by a tiger is spot on. I feel unsafe.

I've heard it said that we are often afraid of crying and more of being unable to stop. We do stop crying, and unless we start and allow ourselves to feel things, the sense of powerlessness grows and grows.

I have found that having a family of my own brings up lots of things that I would have been happy to leave in the past.

The whole parenthood thing can be very isolating, especially if your own upbringing was dysfunctional. I do not know your history at all, but I found an organisation called NAPAC very helpful.

When my eating was very bad, there was so much focus on food and size. In fact size (for me anyway) wasn't so much of an issue as being there at all. It was horrible.

Did you use food before you lost weight?

Well done for finding childcare for your appointment. Remember to keep breathing, and you will be fine!

I think I certainly used food. I ate and ate in my pregnancy and that's how i got so big in the firts place. I think it wasn't comfort eatign though. I think, now, that it was destructive behaviour. I have looked back at pictures of myself from this time last year and I was vast. It's hideous to look at. And before that, I have had the same diet nonsense as everyone else I suppose.
I do wish I could almost step out of my life for a while. Just up and leave for a few days, just by myself. I think with no time and space to think everythign just gets jumbled in my head.
My mum was a single mum til I was about 9, and my stepdad (who is dad to me) is ownderful. I've never known my 'real' dad, but I couldn't ask for more from my dad. I'm closer to him than my mum tbh. I feel incredible guilt that my dc don't have a dad here to bring them up, when one of the things I promised myself when I was growing up is that I wouldn't let that happen. It doesn't help that I went for a walk this morning and saw my ex for the first time, on a break from work. It made me feel sick I am so angry at him and I have nowhere to aim that anger so it just builds up inside. I can feel it hapening now just thinking baout him!

Isn't it odd how we can sort of act as a conduit for bad behaviour? For me, it was a sort of, well nobody's listening so I may as well go and beat myself up. You cannot take responsibility for another person's behaviour, so why should you beat yourself up on behalf of them? I have done it often, and it doesn't work for me. They say that you learn from mistakes, so I should be the wisest person ever ever!!!!

Are you able to hold your anger, and accept it as your responsibility? As you learn to do this, you will reduce the power of your ex to affect you.

I am by no means perfect these days, but at least a future is starting to emerge from the gloom. It's great that you are articulating what is happening to you. You will get better!