Dementia sufferer moving to care home

[Earthdog]

Just wondered if anyone has any experience of a similar situation. My Grandmother is nearly 101 years old and has pretty advanced vascular dementia. She doesn't clearly know who anyone is and is also unsure where she lives. At the moment she is in her own home with carers 4 x daily, but due to her behaviour the carers can't cope anymore and she needs 24/7 care for her health and safety. So; I have initiated the process of getting her into a care home. However I am very worried about the process of moving her and whether she will settle in. I am concerned that she will be very distressed during the move, which will be a long journey to a different county. Any experiences/advice appreciated thanks..

We moved my aunt and she still thought she was in her old place!

New home was excellent thank Gawd and it was a HUGE relief to know she was safe & cared for properly 24/7.

We took her favourite things for her room - photos etc. That helped.

Gosh that sounds tough ,and a great deal for you to take responsibilty for .
Maybe a good starting point might be the manager of the care home ?
They must have experience in this field and the difficulties facing people moving in .perhaps you could talk it through with them ?
Sorry not be more help .

My mother is 76 and has spent the last year in hospital with vascular dementia. She doesn't know anyone and is very difficult to care for. She can get very aggressive.

I think you have to bite the bullet and move her. It won't be easy but she will soon settle. She needs to be where she has the right care.

Thanks for your thoughts. It has been very distressing both for my Grandmother and for me, as she has been 'phoning me in the night for many months now and I have had to drive out to reassure her, only to be kicked and punched when I wouldn't help her out of bed! My Mother (her daughter)has just died, so it was dreadful as the calls were disturbing Mum while she was ill. Also I haven't told my Grandmother that my Mum has died as she would forget and not believe me. Recently she called me at 2am to tell me she could hear my Mother upstairs and she had fallen over. So mentally I dont want to take the stress anymore; especially as I return to full time work soon. However the decision was taken out of my hands as she has been hitting the carers. Doodlez - that is reassuring, I THINK she might believe she is at home but I am very worried about the journey... thanks very much.

PS MmeRedWhite yes this sounds like my Gran, I am sorry about your Mother. It is true the carers have said they cannot look after her properly now, so it has to be done. Thanks x

Earthdog,

I think the aggression and swearing is one of the hardest things to deal with. But you have to let go and say that it is not them. My mother never swore when she was well, and now the cuss words just flow. I don't even know where she got these words from.

It takes 3 nurses to change her and bathe her because she cusses and lashes out at them. This is not something that can happen with home care.

It is a horrible way to end life. Your GM has done well to get to 101 and it is awful for you to have these lasting memories of her.

Mmeredwhite, yes this is all the same as my Gran, I feel so bad for the carers; there are only two at a time and they are getting really hurt now... They shouldn't have to take that sort of thing and I intend to treat them all to a nice meal somewhere when everything is sorted, as a very small thank you. It is SO unfair on the sufferer- like your Mum, my Gran was a real lady and now it just isn't her at all, it is so upsetting. Such as shame too as she wasn't that bad till 99/100 so she should have gone earlier really, though I love her :-(

My mother also reached this stage, although in her 80s. I also think you just have to bite the bullet as after a short while the individual will not know where she is. My mum thought she was in Northumberland (she was in Surrey).

Yes, having a few personal tiems of furniture or small things such as a display of photos of the family and little toiletires like her mirror, hairbrush, hand bag all help a bit. The Handbag seemed important actually even tho very little in it.

The nasty behaviour might reduce in time, It was a phase of the illness for my mother. Then I just accepted I had to 'live in the moment' with her and not worry that she forgot everything.

Main thing is that you need to feel confident about the quality of the home and the staff there.

Thank you sandripples and everyone. The doctor was called to Gran today as she won't eat or drink, she hasn't taken her pills for many weeks now. She would not let the doctor examine her but as I explained to the doctor, even if she does have an infection, she won't take pills or liquid antibiotics anyway. However, we have been in the same situation quite a few times before and she has always bounced back so far! I have a meeting next Monday to discuss her funding for continuing care, so hopefully I will get some more info/timescales. She has to go into a home a long way from where I live so it could be tricky sussing them out, but hopefully my Bro will be helping. Thanks again for the helpful replies.

If she refuses treatment, they may well section her.

Feel for you Earthdog, it must be really difficult. I don't have personal experience but my parents have been going through this caring for their parents in their 80s.

From what my Mum has said about her Dad, he lives very much in the moment, so the best way to get around things like journeys is to not tell him about the full extent of it. For example can you tell your grandmother you are going out for lunch or for a trip? Then when you get there, spend some time there meeting people, and then say you'll take her "home" and take her to her room which will have been set up with some of her things.

My grandfather is also happy when talking about himself and his past... he talks about things which haven't happened but at least if we get him talking he stops worrying about reality.

Good luck. I'm sure you, your grandmother and her carers will all be better off after the move.

MmeRed sectioning wasn't mentioned today by the doctor, but has been in the past. Maybe they are thinking, as I am, that there's no point forcing treatment when the quality of life is now so poor?
Catilla thank you for your kind thoughts too, it has helped me to type everything up on here and have some feedback as things have been so stressful lately that it gets hard to see the wood from the trees.. your advice is good and I will use this technique; however Granny is very deaf and pretty much blind so communication is difficult. On a bad day she will just hit out at anyone getting near, even me, so no discussion possible. Luckily, we have an excellent psychiatric nurse at the local community hospital who helped to try to keep Granny at home with pills (we started with anti depressents as I thought she seemed depressed). This did not work but he is a great guy so I will speak to him about the journey itself. Thanks so much again.