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Original poster

My half sister has lung cancer which has spread...

24 replies

dropinthe · 19/08/2005 10:12

to her brain.I have never met her though.I Only found out about her last November along with another half sister and brother.I have yet to meet any of them.When we first started talking it was great-a nice warm feeling of excitement and anticipation.
At that time she had had various tests on a lump in her throat which, just after Christmas,she found out was a secondary tumour.She is 46 and has two kids-one of 20 and one of 16.
Of the two sisters,she was the one I spoke to less than the other who I really seemed to click with-she is 43-I am 36.The brother is 37 and is the wildest of the bunch as hasn't married or had kids-I really liked him too.
Anyway,to cut a long story....in the last 4 months I have heard hardly anything from them since her diagnosis.This is ENTIRELY understandable-she is deteriorating very fast and is bedbound.
I rang her a few weeks ago and spoke to her oldest daughter who updated me on how ill her Mum was-I explained that I would really love to meet her ,even if it was for a short time.She said she would have a word with her Mum-I have heard nothing and really don't know what to do next.
What do you think THEY are thinking of me?-do you think she just couldn't handle it?Even the other sister hasn't rung me-I know they are a very close family but I feel so useless and just want to catch a glimpse of her before she dies.

We all shared the same father and I never met him-when we all spoke for the first time they told me he died in 1993 and of course I felt hurt that he never tried to contact me but had been in contact with them although he had left their mother for another woman.He has also got yet ANOTHER daughter who is younger than me who doesn't know about us who I would also like to find.

I feel like I'm being incredibly selfish for wanting to meet her and just don't know what to do.

Any advice would really help.

OP posts:

Hattie05 · 19/08/2005 10:34

You're not being selfish, its normal and to be expected.

But i guess from their point of view, they are all wrapped up in the awful situation with your half sister to have time to think about arranging to meet you. Sorry that sounds really horrible, i don't mean it horribly, i am sure they want to meet you but are afraid to bring any more drama into their already upsetting lives.

It is an awful situation and i wonder if i were in your shoes i might write a letter to the ill half sister, asking if you could visit. That way you know the message has got directly to her and she will respond if she wants to.

shimmy21 · 19/08/2005 10:42

So sorry.

I completely understand your need to meet your sister and what a massive dilemma you are in. I suppose when it comes down to it though, you have to respect your sister's wishes and the fact that she hasn't answered must mean something, however difficult for you.

My aunt died of lung cancer last year. She had been a very social and lively person with loads of friends and she was very close to both my parents and her other sister, but towards the end she started to refuse to see anybody except one friend that the family hadn't even heard of. My parents were very hurt but I think she just felt she had nothing left to give and didn't want her loved ones to see her like that. Perhaps your half sister just doesn't have the resiliance left to cope with an emotional meeting. You sound a very caring person and I do understand your desperate need to meet your sister but this time is about her needs and not yours.

Could you write a letter asking to meet and leave it at that if there is no answer again? Hope something works out for you.

shimmy21 · 19/08/2005 10:42

So sorry.

Could you write a letter asking to meet and leave it at that if there is no answer again? Hope something works out for you.

fqueenzebra · 19/08/2005 10:44

I would ring the daughter again and gently press whether you could come for a very short visit. Emphasise it would literally just be an hour or so. The treatment & disease are very exhausting and she may not be up for more visit-time.

Sorry to hear this... my aunt died of lung cancer 2 years ago & my grandfather is currently being treated for it. He can't even find energy to reply to my emails.

Original poster

dropinthe · 19/08/2005 11:02

Sorry for your stories too.Life is so bloody unfair! I have thought about a letter but don't know where to start and what to say.

OP posts:

Original poster

dropinthe · 19/08/2005 11:02

Sorry for your stories too.Life is so bloody unfair! I have thought about a letter but don't know where to start and what to say.

OP posts:

Original poster

dropinthe · 19/08/2005 17:37

Has anybody got any other suggestions? Do you think she would appreciate some flowers? I've just thought of that one-suppose a harmless way to open up the gates of communication which I SO want!

OP posts:

edgetop · 19/08/2005 18:35

i think flowers and a short message with your phone number,then leave it up to her,

Hattie05 · 19/08/2005 21:30

Is she in hospital? they don't allow flowers in wards anymore.

edgetop · 22/08/2005 10:35

hi dropinthe what did you decide to do?did you send some flowers?iwas just wondering!!!!

Original poster

dropinthe · 22/08/2005 10:40

Oh,Thanks edgetop for wondering!Yes,she should be getting a nice Next bunch anytime today with a simple message that I was thinking about her and sending her hugs and love!
If I hear nothing, then I will know for sure that she needs to be left alone and is too ill to cope with a new family member springing it on her-however much I would like to!

OP posts:

Original poster

dropinthe · 22/08/2005 10:41

By the way-that is REALLY nice that you were keeping an eye on my thread-I'm really touched by that!
s and hugs to you too!

OP posts:

Original poster

dropinthe · 22/08/2005 20:54

She died on 7th August.

Am vvvv.

OP posts:

Hulababy · 22/08/2005 20:56

I'm so sorry

charliecat · 22/08/2005 20:57

Oh drop

Original poster

dropinthe · 22/08/2005 20:58

OP posts:

charliecat · 22/08/2005 21:01

How did you find out the news?

Original poster

dropinthe · 22/08/2005 21:02

Her mum has just rung me as received the lovely flowers today-her funeral was last Monday and the family have been too upset to let me know-Oh cc-feel like my heart is breaking.

OP posts:

charliecat · 22/08/2005 21:03

aw well at least they know you were thinking about her Shes at peace now xxx

Original poster

dropinthe · 22/08/2005 21:04

I just wish she was at peace knowing how much I cared-Ive wanted sisters all my life,

OP posts:

charliecat · 22/08/2005 21:07

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

edgetop · 22/08/2005 23:09

hi dropinthe so sorry to hear the sad news,it must be a shock.i know what you must be going through.hope you can come and talk soon.

fionagib · 22/08/2005 23:45

I don't think you're being selfish drop, it's an entirely natural emotion, just an awful situation. I wonder if you'd be best just writing a letter to her and leaving it at that, not really expecting a reply, just putting down your feelings on paper and knowing you've said what you wanted to say to her.

Good luck xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hattie05 · 22/08/2005 23:47

Its too late fiona see dropinthe's other thread on bereavement.

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