I found my father, but now what?

[Hello412]

Hi all,

So, after A LOT of research (mainly using Ancestry DNA as my starting point), a lot of dead ends and wild goose chases, I am 99% sure I have located my biological father.

For context, I am 45 now and he has no idea I exist.

After all this time and a focus on just finding out who he was, I never actually ever thought about what to do once I knew! I probably never really believed I would be successful.

Any advice as to what the next step should be? How do I go about making contact?

He doesn't seem to be anywhere on social media, but I think i have found some of his extended family on social media.

Of course I want to be discreet and sensitive, and the last thing I want to do is drop a bomb into someone's life.

If anyone has any experience or suggestions, I would be really grateful.

Thank you!

Who has tested? Does the match have a tree or is it one of those people who is vaguely interested in origins? This will inform your next steps.

I messaged mine on Facebook, we chatted for a few messages but he wasn't really interested (although he was nice enough) so I left it at that. Just be prepared for that.

Which relative was on ancestry?

You could say you're looking for someone from a past job or something if you want to be discreet but it really depends.

I was in your shoes almost exactly three years ago. I tried emailing/messaging him via his work address and LinkedIn. No reply so I sent a message to my half sister - she was delighted to hear from me. Sadly my father was in the final stages of Alzheimer’s but I did get to meet him before he died. Happy to share my message wording by DM if it helps.

Thanks both for responding.

I tested on Ancestry and has a couple of close-ish matches on my paternal side. Kind of great-uncle / second cousin type people. Neither had trees, but were connected losely to other public trees. So I kind of managed to take it from there.

Its been a long process. Its also been an 'on and off' process that ive come back to intermittently over about 18 months as there were stages i just gave up when I hit a dead end.

Before I knew exactly how I connected to these closest matches (at the beginning), I did send them messages on Ancestry but neither messages have been read and that was about a year ago.

Ive subsequently done more research over xmas and seem to have cracked it.

I have found some members of the family on Facebook, but he doesnt seem to have a social media presence himself.

@Tdcp thank you for sharing your experience. I think i am prepared for nothing coming of this and I am trying to keep my expectations low. I really want to be sensitive.

I guess I am wondering - is it reasonable or appropriate to reach out to another family member on facebook very discreetly? I certainly am not suggesting I drop the bombshell onto them, but maybe just to see if they would be open to even clarifying some of the information? And then gauging a response.

Thanks again!

Thanks so much for sharing this. Im glad that you got to connect, albeit in difficult circumstances ❤️ I'd be so grateful if you would be willing to share some wording as I am at a complete loss!

Good luck op. I hope it works out for you.

I found a long-lost relative'a address using the electoral roll (small payment) by cross-referencing his name and his wife's name (having identified a marriage) until I found them at the same address. If you can do this, or if you have a rough idea of area he might be living and he has a fairly unusual names this could work. I feel like a letter is sufficiently 'distant' that it's less intrusive than stalking social media.

The Salvation Army used to have a 'finding missing relatives' service. Not sure if they still do but it might be worth contacting them to ask for advice. They may be able to act as an impartial intermediary.

Thank you. I hadnt considered this, but did keep coming accross electoral roll records so absolutely something I can look into further. I think I probably would have enough info too as I also managed to find a marriage. Thank you for the suggestion!

Just looked back and this is what I said (truncated)

I joined MyHeritage to see if I could find my birth father - having been on ancestry.com for several years I wasn't hopeful. I'm sure you can imagine my surprise when your profile, and that of XXX, came up as matches...
...Please be assured that my search is driven by curiosity rather than any desire to gatecrash into your lives..."

I have a friend whose birth father does know of her existence but his wife of 50 years and four other grown up children don't - this father was happy to talk once when contacted and acknowledged the relationship with my friend's mum (long before he met his wife) - but made it very clear that there was no way he was telling his wife or family and so no way there could be any future relationship.
Imagine if my friend had contacted a cousin or other relative via ancestry rather than going straight to dad - that is one truth bomb that would not have been welcomed.
Best to go direct, in my view. Maybe via an intermediary or professional who can do it more discreetly.

Thanks so much for sharing this, thats so helpful! 😊

Thank you for sharing this insight. Its definitely something i've thought about, in terms of there being a whole other family out there and never in a million years would i want to cause trouble, or pain. It was never my intention to drop the bomb onto any family member and certainly would only want to have that first conversation with him only (if that was possible). Its just difficult because I have no contact info, so the idea of going through family was simply to clarify info and perhaps get some contact information for him.. but again, just thinking it through atm. And had some great suggestions from others on this thread too. So much food for thought and so grateful for everyone's input!