To ask what to think after contacting ‘father’ with no response.

[Usernumber36373647323]

Posting on behalf of my partner, with his permission.

Dp did an ancestry test a few months ago and the results were surprisingly not necessarily suspicious at first. However he found no links to the man who he thought was his father - the man his mum married during her pregnancy with him and was on the birth certificate, they split when he was 2 and contact was minimal. I don’t think his ‘father’ ever knew he might not be his father.

anyway, after the test his mum admitted that there was someone else whilst on a break…

it made total sense as his actual bio father had a really unusual surname and dp had first cousin once removed matches with this surname on ‘paternal side’ so it all made sense. This was enough confirmation and he contacted his father’s first cousin who said she knew him but was not in regular contact. We also found correspondence addresses for him in the area dp is from and that confirmed it - as originally he was from elsewhere which ties into his ancestry ethnicity results.

anyway, about six weeks ago dp got his address in the phone book and sent a letter but had no response. Obviously this guy is probably in shock - in his seventies, pretty sure he’s still alive, I feel sorry for him being kept in the dark for so long as well as dp when the man on his birth certificate was a waste of space. It was sent tracked so we know it got there.

supposedly the man who is his dad, is a really great guy, dp’s mum has a friend who when younger was in the same friendship circle as his actual dad and he made a comment about 30 years ago that he may have had a child but didn’t want to intrude probably thinking dp had his ‘dad’ in his life and dna testing wasn’t such a thing so couldn’t prove anything.

I don’t think dp’s mum would have told him all this if it wasn’t for the dna test. Dp would have never known any different.

does he just leave it now or try again? He doesn’t necessarily want to meet him but he wanted to tell him and had hoped for some kind of acknowledgement.

Dp takes everything in his stride and is a strong person but u can’t help feel bad when he said neither dad wanted to know him and his stepdad was a shive towards him growing up.

He’s a fantastic father to our children.

Firstly what phone book? (irrelevant question I know)

Secondly, I would be inclined to leave it but I would want to reassure myself that he definitely got the message. If he got the message, and doesnt want to reply, fine. But if for some reason, he didnt get the contact, thats more tricky and I would want to pursue it until I was sure he had heard from me.

I'd leave it. If this man is in 70s he'll have a family, who'll be equally shell shocked. If your DH left an address he may well get in touch, but pushing it may end up in the possible father feeling harrassed and resentful.

Phone book online. Had to buy credits to access ☺️

Leave it, he's obviously not interested.

That’s a real shame. Even though your DP seems to be stoic about it, deep down it must be a hard thing for him to process. I can understand the disappointment you must feel on his behalf too.

Despite the joyful reunions on programmes Long Lost Family I think that, realistically such uncomplicated responses must be in the minority. It’s a huge thing to be faced with unexpectedly. Even a very secure, well balanced and well supported person would be shocked to find this out and struggle to respond quickly in a mature and gracious way. The emotions involved are very complicated.

On top of the father’s emotions there is family context to consider. It could be that his wife, children and friends would just not understand or accept it. There could also be social or cultural reasons why this would be difficult to be open about.

Added to this, there could be other things going on it his life. Illness, dementia, financial stresses. Or simply, he might not have received the news at all.

I agree with @Saroverwhen she writes that there could be things going on in his life like illness or dementia. The letter could have been intercepted by a family member. Who knows 🤷‍♀️
I would have to find out more if I were in your dh’s situation.
My dh wrote to whom he was told was his father - he took a chance as he had no address and just did a bit of Internet sleuthing and hit lucky- they have contact but sadly his widowed bio father has cognitive decline. He absolutely accepted dh was his son and Ancestry DNA proved it.

For now, maybe just remain in contact with the cousin.

You can't control or coerce other people into forming connections. Well, you can try but it isn't a good idea. I tried to trace a missing parent and it didn't end well. If there is no response, that in itself is a response.

Your DP's life carries on exactly as it was, which sounds happy and fulfilled. The past doesn't change because you connect with someone who was never in it.

There is one good reason for an older man avoiding contact with a bio child he was not aware of: a possible inheritance claim.

Did the letter get to the correct person? I know it was tracked but did the person it was intended for sign it/receive it or someone else?

This is impossible to know what this man is thinking. He might think it is a scam, or worry about an inheritance claim. He might have had a lot to process, and this time of year is tricky.

If your DH wasn’t that interested in contact, how did his letter come across? It may have unintentionally suggested he wanted his bio father to know, and that is all. This is why sometimes it is better to get a third party to make contact.

You’ll have to sit it out and see, but overthinking about possible reasons won’t help at all.