Finding out your father wasn’t who he thought he was.

[Usernumber36373647323]

Posting on behalf of my other half, with his permission.

back story, he’s in his forties and always assumed a man, let’s call him ‘Bob’ was his dad. His mum and Bob married during her pregnancy, he took Bobs middle name and surname, they split when DP was a toddler, DP didn’t have much a relationship with Bob at all other than odd visits and he was never a father figure but DP never imagined he wouldn’t actually be his father.

fast forward, I took an ancestry dna test last year and for Dp interested and he did one himself, results come back a few months ago, his mums side was very clear as expected, but his paternal side not so much. He seemed to have links to where ‘Bob’ was from supposedly for quite a few generations, bobs surname didn’t appear in any of his matches trees, he got an interesting ethnicity result and close matches with a specific country abroad - won’t share to hide my identity. This was shrugged off, we assumed maybe Bobs parentage wasn’t who he thought it to be as couldn’t find birth records for his parents.

Dp claimed he felt his mum was uninterested in his dna results and always changed the subject, almost a bit sheepish but he didn’t think much of it.

he got a couple close matches on his paternal side - first cousins but again he wasn’t that concerned as we thought it might be from Bob where the lineage isn’t as honest as it should be.

however, just this week, Dp’s mum has admitted that there was a possibility that another man named ‘Tony’ could be his father, they worked together and half a brief fling when her and Bob were going through a rough patch, she had hoped that he was Bobs, after finding out Tony’s surname it’s pretty obvious that he’s dps father as the surname on his matches and ethnicity. Dp is quite pale so I think she had assumed that Bob who was Olive skinned, dark hair was not the father when dp was fair and blonde.

I don’t believe Tony had anymore children but has a wife he married 15 years after dp was conceived so it doesn’t appear to be an affair on his side.

he is on Facebook but not sure if he’s a regular user, he’s in his seventies, we believe he’s still alive - and hopefully well.

dp wants to contact him to let him know that he has a child - what’s the best way to go about this?

how am I best to support him?

does he need to tell Bob about this? I mean they’ve not seen each other in 20 years and that was only a couple random meet ups so probably less than 5 times ever.

I am not sure if Bob was aware he might not be his dad, however he was aware of Tony as he warned Tony off MIL supposedly and they got back together.

I don’t know if she would have told him if it wasn’t for the ancestry, dp hadn’t even thought much of it, he had just mentioned that he had a lot of matches on her side (huge family!) and said the other side was a bit more confusing. He even made a joke to her asking if Bob was really his dad, but he really was just joking and never imagined it would be true.

sorry if this is long. Dp is fully aware I am posting this. I’ve also been researching his new found ‘father’ as he’s not great at the whole searching for people thing.

Probably best not to say anything to Bob - he may have had his suspicions at the time, and it would be dragging up unfortunate memories for him.

I agree there's no reason to mention it to Bob, as they have no practical relationship.

But if there are matches on the paternal side doesn't that suggest that DPS father is someone else from that family? Or have I misunderstood your post?

'Paternal' side doesn't mean it's linked to a known 'pater' (as neither possible father has tested) just that it's the other side from the maternal one.

The matches found have no obvious link to Bob so could be from a completely different family.

Thanks!

Thanks, Dp was thinking this too!

DP’s mothers side was really clear on ancestry and was able to distinguish quickly between parent 1&2 matches and were labelled maternal and paternal.

the paternal side had no links to the area that Bob was from, or the surname - which is a pretty common surname I must add, Bob was 1 of 11 children so you’d think that someone may have done a test, like a aunt/uncle/niece/nephew to Bob etc - I know this isn’t a given as the vast majority of people have not done dna testing.

There was nothing linking him to Bob, it was pointing to more northern areas and also a country (won’t say as pretty nice and don’t want to give myself away!). At first we assumed maybe Bobs paternity wasn’t as we thought it was - do never met his ‘grandparents’, although I believe one of them is still alive.

he had 2 close matches that came from a family with a pretty rare surname (I won’t say for obvious reasons), sharing around 650cm of dna to him, at first we didn’t think much of it.

fast forward, it was mentioned to his mum - lighthearted more than anything, she recognised the surname of these matches to a guy ‘Peter’ she had a brief fling with whilst in a rough patch with Bob, looking back again at the dna it was easy to work out, the two matches are first cousins of Peter but I don’t believe they know each other, or that well anyway. There was large age gaps between their parents so probably wasn’t that close.

On further research, peters father, who was English married his mum who appeared to be from a country that dp got 2nd or 3rd matches with and 15% ethnicity.

on further searching Peter had been born elsewhere but had lived/had a business in the area dp was born and still lives relatively close to the area - however dp now live 4 hours away from this area, as does his mum and half siblings. They set up a life where I am from.

i don’t think there can be any doubt that Peter is his father, but Peter would be in his seventies, he’s married, but I don’t believe they had children.

Now I'm confused - who is Peter? Why has Tony disappeared?

Peter is likely Tony's real name. Op has subconsciously used real name/mistakenly reverted

Oh my gosh, it’s actually not Peter. I don’t even know how I did that, I’m not with it, had a bereavement in my own family yesterday and really not with it. I’m such an idiot! Peter isn’t even the name of the person who died. I don’t even know where Peter came from! 🤦‍♀️👀

Should be Tony. I’m just a fool!

The only Peter I know is my neighbour 😂

I too was getting confused and thought his mum was certainly making the most of the gap away from Bob!

Did Tony know DH's mum was pregnant? Did she tell him? Is there a chance he is unaware of DH's existence?

I’m sorry but that made me laugh 😂😂😂😂

well she worked with Tony during this rough patch with Bob, Bob and his mum got back together and Bob ‘had words’ with Tony to stay away as supposedly Tony was really into his mum and she went back to Bob and married him as her parents pressurised her to get married now she’s pregnant. His mum and Bob split when dp was a toddler. She claimed her and Tony liked each other but only slept together once but we don’t know if that’s accurate or not - I mean it only takes once so it makes no difference really.

tony was a friend of a friend of dp’s mum and apparently at a wedding or something he made a comment saying he might have had a child out there but didn’t want to cause any upset or disruption, but he didn’t specify who or where but yes it could be a possibility he knows. That was a long time ago though. His mum is still in touch with her friend but her friend is not in contact with the friend she had that was friends with Tony if that makes sense.

I think she was hoping that Bob was the father and dp wouldn’t ever know any different if he actually wasn’t and Tony was.

tony from a photo appears to be olive skinned through his mother and dp is pale skinned so his mum probably thought he was bobs, yet I’ve seen photos of Bob and he’s pretty tanned skin too so genetics is a funny thing!

Dps mum was aware that Tony’s mum foreign born, she supposedly knew him fairly well at the time and panicked when she saw his ethnicity results come back with that country in his genetics!

No need to contact Bob.

Before contacting Tony your DP might want to speak to an organisation that provides information/advice for people in his situation, and / or have counselling. For example in case Tony doesn’t want any contact. Given Tony’s age, if DH thinks he feels ‘robust’ about his own feelings and the different scenarios he might decide just to go ahead.

DP’s mum has lied to DP by omission for decades: awful.

This is my area of expertise. If you want professional help to know who the father is from the DNA matches your spouse has, drop me a DM. I can take an initial look and tell you whether it’ll be easy and quick or a bit harder, along with a quote. I am fully qualified etc and can provide name of my business but won’t do so here as don’t want to be accused of advertising. But this is exactly the sort of dilemma I work with on a regular basis.

Thank you! On another note - names, dp took bobs name as a middle name and his surname. I am not suggesting do changes his name, however our daughter too his surname and I’m not suggesting to change it either, we aren’t married yet. Dp always says he has no loyalty to his surname due to not knowing who he thought was his father.

anyway, when we do get married I don’t know if want to take the surname knowing it’s not his true family history. It would be different if bob had been around for him,

I have suggested before that Dp and dd take my surname, as I have a lot more history with mine, back to the 1700s in the same area I live in now, in another twist dps maternal grandmothers maiden name was actually my surname - no relation, we’ve checked 😂 This has been a topic of conversation since the week we met so not a new thing!

Whatever DP decides about his surname I’d stick with yours and change DD’s to yours, as it’s your preference. Unrelated to the paternity issue.

thank you!

Absolutely! Dp is quite a strong person, he’s not too fussed on meeting Tony as such but would like to let him know he does indeed have a child.

as for his mum, I can’t judge her for what happened, she was young, she was being pressurised to marry when she fell pregnant however it’s been over 40 years and I don’t think she would have ever told dp otherwise, I guess she wasn’t sure herself. She’s grumpy with me because I encouraged the dna test - I didn’t, I did mine last year and got DP interested. I think I’ll avoid her for a couple weeks though 👀😂

one of his mums siblings (his aunty) is really good friends with Bob…. Bob was also very good friends with DPS grandfather (maternal grandfsther). I thought that was a bit strange.

Honestly ,I never really knew my own father growing up, he didn’t want to know and if my my grandfather was friends with him I’d think that was really strange and my mother wouldn’t have been happy.

So it’s all a bit hush hush, she doesn’t want anyone to know right now. Hence the venting on here!