55 and found out my biological father

[birdieblue]

Hi - just need to vent really - sorry!

I recently received a message out of the blue from Ancestry. Long story short - the person I thought to be my biological dad isn't. So I've just discovered a new father and a bunch of half siblings and relations. I am estranged from the person I thought was my dad due to a conflict over a past issue.

At first, when I got the message I assumed he had gone off and had other children - (they divorced when I was little) but when I told my mum about the message she went all weird on me. Turns out on one of the many occasions my "dad" walked out on her - she had a fling. But then my "dad" came back and she says she assumed I was his. Well... after speaking to my biological father, apparently she knew all along, as did my then step father (I know - a bit confusing). So she has lied to me, my brothers and the person I thought was my father. I'm actually not judging her actions but I did have lots of questions naturally - but she completely shut down and refuses to talk to me about it. Worse, she told me I was making a fuss and asked why I need to know and why it matters. I feel completely gaslit by her.

The person I thought was my dad is old and not well. I decided not to tell him - as I thought there was nothing to be gained by it.

But he recently called and brought up this past issue we argued about - and I guess I just got angry - and - in anger, I said that my mum has a big secret he should know about and told him to ask her.

Not my finest moment and I regret it. I am just tired of keeping other people's secrets for them - but the worse thing is my mum, her new husband and my older brother are now treating me like I have caused some big issue since discovering the truth.

I really have not flipped out about it at all - just trying to be reasonable while getting to the bottom of things. But I think my mum's reaction was the reason I told my dad...

I feel like I've now created a bigger mess and inflicted a lot of pain on the person I thought was my Dad at the end of his lifetime...

I am now not dealing with this very well at all and can't understand why other people in my family think I should be fine with this. Am I over-reacting?

What a mess.

This is not your fault. This is what happens when people make mistakes, tell lies, keep secrets, and stick their heads in the sand.

Every child has the right to know who they are and where they came from.

Are you able to access counselling support?

I don't think that you're overreacting at all. Like you say it wasn't your finest moment but everyone can regret what they say from time to time. Your DM probably had reasons to keep quiet at the time. She would have possibly struggled and been a single parent if she had spoken the truth but she has no reason to gaslight you now

You shouldn't have told him i cant imagine ever being that angry i would deliberately and intentionally hurt someone else

So sorry you had to find out like this- must be an awful shock.
Who hasn’t regretted something that they said in the heat of the moment? Shouldn’t mum be supporting you??
Agree counselling may help

I’m sorry you found out this way. How you behaved is understandable and not your fault, although I do feel sorry for your dad finding out this way too.Your mum is totally in the wrong here and frankly the least you deserve is she grows a pair and sits down with you to talk this whole thing through. It is utterly wrong for anyone to lie about a child’s parentage, and she should supporting you not getting all stroppy about what is after all entirely her fault.

Your mum is massively selfish, I think, and certainly not able to consider someone else's position.