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Genealogy
Original poster

Using DNA to track birth family

58 replies

Mynameidontremember · 10/10/2020 10:06

Dh has just had his dna results back. Turns out that as well as being a lot more British than he thought, he may have found a relative. In fact, the dna strand says possible half sibling/ aunt/niece.

Trouble is, all we have to go on is his mother's maiden name for a family tree and I feel like we're at a dead end. I think the mother may be related to a man who pops up in a couple of trees, who could be her father. I also think 2 of the men I found could be twins, but possibly Scottish, so I'm struggling to find birth records. I'm going round on circles.

Any experienced detectives offer any advice?

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Original poster
Mynameidontremember · 10/10/2020 12:27

One of the names is a v common surname round here, with a first name popular among women born between 1970 and about 1985. Think tracey/sharon/Debbie typeGrin fb would throw up thousands of them.

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smaragda · 10/10/2020 12:32

Came on as we have just done exactly the same. Both me and dh did dna tests for fun, neither of us trying to find family (although dh had family in another country that we were mildly hoping might turn up. We were about shocked to find a very close match-the same as you-half sister or niece. We got in contact,and discovered that it is his half sister and that his dad had an affair.

round2again · 10/10/2020 12:46

@Mynameidontremember the rabbit holes 🤣🤣. Sorry that made me chuckle, I'm still finding rabbit holes, I found my DMs siblings a couple of years back; but also gained the geanology bug - I spend a lot of time in rabbit holes 😇🤣

If one has the better tree and has been on within the last month, they are probably the lead user, the one who is researching. So the best lead.

It is worth checking through all the shared DNA matches between your DH and this individual. There may be some clues there.

Another useful tool on ancestry is the search function. From the home screen

^DNA
^DNA Matches (view all DNA matches)
^ search

Try adding the "common" surname you have into the second box "surname matches in tree"

This will pull up all the DNA matches that share that name. If there are loads, you can narrow it down by adding a birth location.

The results will give you some potential others with that surname and with trees.

Original poster
Mynameidontremember · 10/10/2020 13:09

There will definitely be half siblings. His mother told him she'd gone on to have a family. Never really thought about his father having other children too. I think it's cos I've always seen her as the known entity- and when I had my own kids I thought about her a lot.

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Original poster
Mynameidontremember · 10/10/2020 14:41

OK. So. Think I've discovered that 2 men are on the same family tree, which belongs to someone we messaged. Not only that, but one of the men is a connection to the closest relative. But that tree is private.

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Original poster
Mynameidontremember · 10/10/2020 15:17

Also think his mother may have given him slightly wrong info. Think I've found his gparents.

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round2again · 10/10/2020 15:24

Ooooo, how exciting ...

Also it is unfortunately very common for people to give either completely wrong or just oh so slightly wrong information. The unpicking of the wrong stuff is definitely part of the journey. Good luck and fingers crossed they respond :)

Original poster
Mynameidontremember · 10/10/2020 15:33

I know. If she wanted him to leave her alone, she may well have bent the truth. It appears his mother was born in the next village to mine. Our gparents may have known each other. Mind. Blown.

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SirVixofVixHall · 10/10/2020 15:33

The 1,700 cm is most probably a half sibling.
You can click on “matches in common” and see which of the matches are also matched with each other.

Original poster
Mynameidontremember · 10/10/2020 16:14

I've got his mother's branch and his father's. Mother's is the half sibling.

The link on the other side is more difficult cos it's 2nd/3rd cousin and 322cm across 17 segments.

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AlphabetDinosaur · 10/10/2020 17:13

@Mynameidontremember

I've got his mother's branch and his father's. Mother's is the half sibling.

The link on the other side is more difficult cos it's 2nd/3rd cousin and 322cm across 17 segments.

322 is still going to be a fairly close relative. If you go to dnapainter.com/tools/sharedcmv4-beta and put the number of cMs in it will show you the options for the relationship.

If you google 'Leeds Method' you might also find that helps you separate out matches to each of the grandparents.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/10/2020 17:17

My family is currently going through hell because of matched DNA. Just be very aware that there might not be a happy ending to all this.

Original poster
Mynameidontremember · 10/10/2020 17:32

I know aqua and I was torn. But then it also feels pretty wrong to be someone's dirty little secret. Dh isn't expecting to be fully embraced by his biological family, but to at least have some sense of where his roots are.

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MotherOfDragonite · 10/10/2020 17:40

Your DH has every right to know where he comes from, OP. It's also of interest to your own children as it's their ancestry too.

Just be prepared for the emotions around contact potentially not being welcomed or responded to.

Original poster
Mynameidontremember · 10/10/2020 18:01

He was rejected by his mother when he met her. But he's more interested in the other members. He is fairly cold emotionally anyway (4 months as a baby in a children's home?) So isn't expecting much.

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Haworthia · 10/10/2020 18:10

What a fascinating thread. I hope you manage to contact some receptive people, OP. I agree that your DH has a right to know about his family origins. However I also know someone who discovered they were conceived from a sperm donor via Ancestry DNA, which their parents had never disclosed. So it obviously can be a minefield.

Ylfa · 11/10/2020 11:13

This is so exciting! DNA testing helped me find my dad (very easily as he’d already tested and was my top match) and my maternal grandfather who was one of potentially ten thousand US military personnel in the area nine months before my mother was born. It was surprisingly easy actually.

Ylfa · 11/10/2020 11:17

The ethnicity results are spot on at a continental level (going back maybe five generations?) and tightening up regionally all the time.

Einszwei · 11/10/2020 11:22

You can also download the raw dna data from ancestry and upload it onto myheritage, ftdna and gedmatch. You might find some new matches that way.

SirVixofVixHall · 11/10/2020 11:24

322 cm could be a half first cousin, or the child of a half sibling. I share 377 cm with my half first cousin for instance.

BrazenlyDefying · 11/10/2020 14:41

Please, please proceed with caution. On one hand it's great that your DH has potentially found a link to his birth family, but on the other this could open up a massive, massive can of worms.

Is he prepared for the fact they may not want to know? Or even that they have no idea he even exists? This sort of thing can work out well, but if the birth mother went on to have more children and didn't tell them, suddenly discovering you've an older sibling can turn the world on its head.

DNA is a wonderful thing and is breaking down a lot of brick walls for family historians. But too often people plunge straight in and start contacting relatives without really thinking it through. There aren't always happy endings.

OP I really hope this all works out for you but it's so important to think about what happens if it doesn't.

Original poster
Mynameidontremember · 11/10/2020 15:26

He's pretty sure no one knows he exists. His mother made it v clear she didn't want to know him when he met up with her. It's more finding people who actually look like him/our kids. The really strange thing is finding out he grew up and still lives less than 20 miles from his biological family. Honestly, he's not looking to be embraced by a new family. We've extended a tentative 'hi, found out we have family links' kind of email to begin with.

On the father's side, which is more difficult cos he has no name, there's a man who could be an uncle. He's been searching for his real father for a long time. He's going to share what info he has. Dh is 50, so many of these relatives are fairly old now.

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Ylfa · 11/10/2020 18:27

Unless someone lacks capacity in other decision making areas of life they’re perfectly capable of managing their expectations around the potential for relationship/rejection if they find their biological family.

Mine wasn’t a happy ending in terms of having any relationship at all with my dad (or anyone on my maternal side) but knowing who and where I come from has given me such peace, and exploring my ancestry from every possible angle is making me a better person I think!

Original poster
Mynameidontremember · 11/10/2020 20:40

Yes, he just wants to see people who look like him or to see if our kids look like anyone.

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Ylfa · 11/10/2020 21:02

It was also really helpful (for us) to find out about health stuff (not an ancestry.com at the time but they’re starting now, on other sites) as I have a genetic disease which was never picked up on nor treated properly because it’s quite a specifically Sephardi condition. I had no idea that both my parents were carriers because I knew nothing of their ethnic mixes. At least one of my three children are carriers of it (one negative, one not tested) and she can have genetic counselling etc.