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Genealogy
Original poster

My Mum has just told me my father isn't my father

21 replies

Hodge85 · 06/10/2020 06:47

Hi,

I'm 35 years old and just had my first child with my husband and my Mum has dropped a bombshell on me. To add a bit of context, I'm an only child and was raised by my Mum who was a single parent. She has just told me that the man I believed to be my father is not in fact my father. I would like to note that I don't have a relationship with my father, I've never known him. However I do know his name, what he looks like, and after doing some digging when I was a teenager, I know roughly where he lives, what he does for a job and that he has a family now. I believe that this man also thinks I'm his daughter as he has checked out my LinkedIn profile in the past and I know I've had birthday cards off him as a child and I'm pretty certain when we moved house my mum didn't forward on our new address hence why I never heard from again, I recall a birthday card has a message asking my Mum not to ignore him. Anyways I figured that too much time had passed by that he would be frightened to get in touch and to me the mystery of who my father was had been eliminated so I had made peace with not reaching out to him. However, now that my Mum has dropped this on me I have found myself wanting to know who my real father actually is. She knows who it is but they broke up before she knew she was pregnant and she started to see who she told me was my father and had convinced herself that it was him and put him on my birth certificate. Apparently the birth of my child has brought this all back to her and she realised she had been lying to herself and me and wants to put it all right so she started looking for him.

At first I wasn't too bothered, she was 18/19 when she had me so I can forgive her for all of this but I've told her I'm upset it's taken her all of this time to tell me the truth. I can't help but be curious now, especially as she says I look liked my true father.

I guess I'm on here for advice, where would I go to start looking for him? I feel like this is such a mess as there is a man who possibly thinks I could be his and my real father who has no clue I even exist. It just feels a mess but I can't help feeling like I want to know who he is and what he looks like.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
daisydukes26 · 06/10/2020 06:53

This sounds awful op. I can't imagine what you are going through. I do not have any advice, I'm sure more knowledgable posters will pop along soon. Thanks

It's a really clique on this page, but therapy would really help.

leafeater · 06/10/2020 06:55

If you are using Ancestry or similar, there are lots of people who post their DNA and get matches on there, not necessarily your father but can confirm family relations

Original poster
Hodge85 · 06/10/2020 07:06

@daisydukes26 thank you, I do thinking taking to someone might help Smile

@leafeater I was tempted to do a 23andme test, would this work with ancestry?

OP posts:
Esspee · 06/10/2020 07:08

I second a DNA test. Assuming you are in the UK then use Ancestry as it has the biggest database here.
The chances of him being on it are not high but perhaps some of his close relatives might be.

If you have his name and approximate age try social media. Does your mother know where he used to live, which school he went to, what kind of work he did?

Original poster
Hodge85 · 06/10/2020 07:14

@Esspee yes, we're in the in the UK. She knows his full name and the village where he lived at the time. We've checked Facebook, etc. Nothing that we can see so far.

OP posts:
loutypips · 06/10/2020 07:28

How hard for you. I know you have no relationship, but it sounds like he wanted to.

I would do an AncestryDNA test as it's got the biggest database. But for tracing relatives you will need a subscription too. Now, if you can wait a little bit longer, usually they bring the price down to £59 on Black Friday or right before Xmas. Also, do the free trial on Ancestry, and cancel it just before the end. A few days later you'll get an email offering a discount on the subscription.

Original poster
Hodge85 · 06/10/2020 07:34

@loutypips that's great to know, thank you! I will keep that in mind Smile

OP posts:
loutypips · 06/10/2020 07:52

You will find it easier if you start building a tree on your mums side first, then that will allow you to rule out relationships on your maternal side.

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 06/10/2020 08:01

As you know the village where he use to live you could look for a village Facebook group. Ask on there if anyone knows the whereabouts of the family.

Original poster
Hodge85 · 11/10/2020 02:04

Hello all, just an update. So my lovely friends have been helping me do some digging and we think we've found his family on Facebook. A wife and daughter. The daughter looks a little bit younger than me but there's no denying that we actually share similar facial features and there's a couple of blurry photos of the man himself but my Mum is away so I'll have to wait for her to come home in a week or so to confirm.

If it is them then I don't know what to do, can I make peace with the situation and keep quiet? I really don't want to destroy a family even though he knows nothing about me, it's not like I'm a secret he's kept hidden all of these years. I'm at a total loss. Sad

OP posts:
Tavannach · 11/10/2020 02:30

I think you should see if there are any counselling services that can help you before you make any decisions. Maybe discuss it with your GP. It's an unusual situation and I feel for you.
Good luck.

loutypips · 11/10/2020 08:12

@Hodge85 his family may not want to know you. It's so hard as people can react so differently.

I know from experience, that often people who find they have a sibling just don't want to know. Since doing our dna, two siblings of my dad have been found. One didn't know anything about his father as he had been brought up knowing his dad was from another country- the other hasn't responded to any messages.
My grandmother also gave away three children (possibly more) one was desperate to know her family but the other two just saw her once and then never again.
My df has gone from one of 15 to one of 21.

I actually came on to say that ancestry dna tests are £55 at the moment. Thanks

Standrewsschool · 11/10/2020 08:19

What a shock! I think the best thing, if you want to get in contact, is to write a letter. The chances are, if they were both 18, he would have an inkling,or have wondered in the past whether you were his. He would have known dm was pregnant, presuming the father is a school or college friend,

DorisDaisyMay · 11/10/2020 08:22

Where a ‘unknown’ daughter has made herself known in our family the reactions have been different and so please be prepared. My family are cousins/aunt and uncle and we have been very open and welcoming to her. But the dad and half siblings have not and do not want to know her. Really, it’s acknowledgment from her real dad that she wants and she will never get that. And it’s so sad.

So, while I don’t think my experience is reason not to contact him. You do need to be prepared that there may be a range of reactions to you.

This really is a lot to process Flowers

ScrapThatThen · 11/10/2020 09:11

I think since you were long before his family, since these secrets always out through DNA tests these days, and especially since you have a new baby, it's ok to send a letter or message. But do prepare yourself for any reaction. And do be clear what you want - and that it is recent news to you.

LadyEloise · 11/10/2020 09:28

I too came on to say Ancestry DNA is now £55, as loutypips has written upthread.
It would be well worth it.
I'm working with DH on his at the moment.

ivykaty44 · 11/10/2020 17:53

As you know the village where he use to live you could look for a village Facebook group. Ask on there if anyone knows the whereabouts of the family.

Im really sorry but I believe this is really unsound advice - please don't use facebook to do this or ask about where people are, several things could happen and the outcome may be very negative

SirVixofVixHall · 11/10/2020 22:56

If your Mum confirms it is the right man, then I would write a letter. You will probably want to have dna tests done if he replies, just to make sure.
It is hard as a woman, to imagine being in this position as it isn’t some thing we can ever experience, but I know that if Dh had a daughter and grandchild out there he would very much want to know.
Good luck OP.

Original poster
Hodge85 · 12/10/2020 11:37

Thank you all so much for your advice. I'm going to speak to my Mum and go from there, I will keep you all updated. I have since discovered he now lives in the next village to my Mum, this is the other side of the city where they met all of those years ago. Small world.

I'm not expecting anything back from them or for them to want to know me. Firstly, I need to take some time to process all of this to decifer what it is that I want to come of all of this. x

OP posts:
ScrapThatThen · 12/10/2020 19:26

Look after yourself and don't feel you have to update - do what is right for you at your pace and give them time to process too. All the best.

notapizzaeater · 12/10/2020 19:31

Could you go through a third party ? I think the Samaritans do something ?

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