1968/1969 - chances of father getting custody

[BrummieRemainer]

(NCd)

Digging into a family mystery on my wifes side. For various reasons we are totally NC with her family (part of which might arise from this situation) ...

DW is the eldest of 2 and was born in the late 60s. Both her parents were previously married. She was told that her mother - who had 3 daughters by her first marriage - was abused, neglected and cheated on by here husband who finally left her. He was able to get custody of the children as the woman he was seeing was a social worker.

That was the "family legend".

However, over the years, various little cracks have appeared in supposed timelines, events. For example DW was told her parents married in 1970 not long after she was born. However when I started helping her research her family tree (and some of you might guess it was around then the behaviour which led to NC began ....) it turned out they were married in 1974.

Five years sounds vaguely significant.

Anyway, returning to 1969ish ... does anyone know how easy - if at all - it would have been for the father of 3 girls to get custody over the mother ? Since that's what happened.

Sadly DWs father passed away in the 80s terribly young, removing (another) possible source.

Being of that age myself, I can only go by my impressions from TV, film and books. And that is that is was almost default for the mother to get custody, unless there were very odd circumstances ?

Thanks all.

p.s. I posted this here as it's historic, rather than live.

DH's father had custody of his children (early 70s). I've always assumed it was because the mother left the family home. He was a most unsuitable parent :(

Fairly unusual unless'the guy was an aristocrat tbh

I think it was more common then than now if the Dad had money etc and the Mum was said to be unsuitable..through adultery or 'instability' etc.

I know in 1961 Spike Milligan was given custody of his 3 children as his wife had committed adultery and was therefore 'the guilty party' and he was painfully honest later in saying "they didn't say anything about me being fucking mad, insane, unstable, suicidal (he suffered throughout his life with bi-polar). That was okay, you could look after three kids like that" .

He said he took them home with him "fully realising they'd been parted from a good Mother".

Very. Family friend when she chose to leave her openly physically and mentally abusive husband was caught at the train station and children physically forced from her by his family. No one tried to stop or intervene. And they grew up with stories of how crap a mother she was for leaving them....

It was also relatively easy in those days for an abusive husband to have his wife considered mentally ill to the point of having her committed to a psychiatric hospital. For years in some cases.

In the late 40’s/early 50’s time my uncle was sent to live with his dad when they separated. My gran was pregnant with my dad and rather than have their father pay maintenance of any sort they gave each party one child each .
My gran wasn’t the guilty party my dads dad was a drug addict and alcoholic but she had left him so this was seen as the simplest solution. I actually think back then it was more common than it is now.

Does your DW have maternal aunts and uncles or cousins who might be able to shed some light on the matter?

My grandfather gain custody of his daughter in 1955-ish. Like PP his wife walked out. I appreciate it was 15 years prior but you also have to consider the stigma of being a single mother and the practicalities of funding a child...

If the Mother left (abusive relationship or not). Slept with someone else or appeared 'mentally unstable' (whether in response to abuse and unhappiness or not) and the Dad was an 'upstanding' citizen with some money, the Mum often didn't stand a chance if it went to court.

I know these two cases are very 'upper class' but Lady Lucan spoke very eloquently of the custody battle with her husband who went on to try and murder her but murdered the Nanny by mistake. It was an abusive relationship in almost all ways so when she would e.g take to her bed in depression and hopelessness, he'd have Drs come in to comfirm she was mentally ill and prescribe her high doses of benzos or anti-psychotics which would obviously effect her functioning and behaviour thus 'confirming' she was a 'lunatic' and an unfit parent.

Clarissa Dickson-Wright (2 fat ladies) and her Mother were frequently beaten by her alcoholic, abusive Father but as he was a Dr for the royal family, he'd made it very clear he would have the Mother committed if she spoke out or tried for a divorce. She ended up staying with him till she died in 1975, and he died a year later.

I know a family where the mother was severely abused, ran away multiple times with the DC only to be tracked down by the father and dragged back. He was given sole custody in the 60s.

Happened to my mum and her two siblings, her mum had an affair with the neighbour (scandal!) and to leave and be with him she had to leave the kids in full custody with their dad (my grandad). Was quite the village gossip so I am told

My gram didn't leave my grandad because she would not get custody because she had no means to support herself

Wow ! So many replies, and a lot to process ...

• No help available from anyone living. Totally NC with DWs DM and DS after I took a punch in the face from her (police involved).

• the working theory is that DWs parents both cheated on their other halves and decided to keep that a secret from their DC - possibly nudged on by an unexpected pregnancy - that being DW.

• DW was told that her Mums first husband was abusive and fled to South Africa with the kids (with the help of social worker he was supposed to be having an affair with). However when I started looking, it turned out he'd never left the UK, and died with a hell of a collection of adoring friends and relations from his second marriage.

Thank again for all the replies.