If you have read my previous question, I’m 31 and I haven’t seen my father since I was 10. My parents were not in a relationship, just fooling around, and my father only came to see me a few times as a child.
In 2018 I had a major falling out with my mother. She was clearly in the wrong and when I called her out on it, she called me all the names that she had been calling my father my whole life such as: liar, narcissist, crazy etc. Something clicked in my head and I decided to reach out to my father. I also wanted family medical info and genealogical info. I spent a few months doing research and contacting people on social media etc.
In July of 2019 I found my paternal grandparents. It turns out that they didn’t know that I existed and no one on my paternal side knew of my existence. This was a major blow to me because my whole life I was told that they knew and were not interested. I questioned my mother about this and she said that my father insisted that they knew and wanted nothing to do with us.
I found out that my father has been in regular contact with my grandparents all these years and did not ever once mention me to them despite having met me as a child a few times. My father knew where we lived and would phone my mother from time to time as well.
My grandparents did tell me that if they would have known then they would have been involved and they would have done something about it. I could hear the disappointment in their voice. In Oct 2019 they spoke to my father about this and my father was hesitant to discuss the situation and there were big chunks of time that he would not talk about. My grandfather said that there is a ‘void’ there.
I guess the problem is is that they seem like nice people and are being welcoming towards me. They even sent me 200 EUR for Christmas. The more I get to know them and the closer I get to them, the more painful this is. I am seeing what I have been missing out on all these years and what I have been excluded from.
It’s just so hard for me to see this whole extended family that my father has been in contact with that I was excluded from. It also hurts that after a few months my father still hasn’t come forward and said anything else to his family about this. I don’t know if I can have relationships with people who are close to my father and are loyal to him.
There is too much emotional turmoil here for me and my father is at least somewhat involved with my half-siblings but he wasn’t with me. My cousin told me that she is just shocked that my father would do something like this.
I don’t know what to do. I sense that I cannot really discuss it with my grandparents. It doesn’t help that we haven’t met in person yet. I can’t even tell them my side of the story or my mother’s side of the story. I find it to be kind of controlling. Whenever I take a step back and not email them for a while they email me and don’t let a lot of time pass in between emails etc. They really want to meet etc.