Stressed, secret half sister!

[gwilXoXoX]

I'm not sure what to do, this is quite Jeremy Kyle style!

Give you a bit of background, my dad has always worked away.. Army and then security work, a job in Serbia amongst other places, my mum at home with me and my brother, always had a happy life and dad's work circumstances were never an issue.

Today I read a post on Facebook saying how fb filters through messages and puts the unwanted ones in a secret folder without telling us.. Knowing this info I found the folder.. Lots of pervy people messaging me, fake accounts wanting to make friends etc, but then I click on this one from 2014, a 17yo(at the time) girl who lives in Sweden saying that she's my half sister, her mum met my dad in 1996, (5 years after I was born, 2 years after my brother), she and dad then have met once when he was in Serbia and that she would like to meet me and that she thought I should know. To top it off she added a photo of herself and my dad to the email, she very much looks like me, I'm so angry, shocked about all this!

One, why in gods name did I open the bloody email and not just delete it like I had the others...? Angry with myself for that!
Two, what the bloody hell do I do now? I think my best possible option is to not say a thing, be quietly angry with my dad, move on and slowly forget about it.
I don't know if my mum knows, it will completely break her if she doesn't, I don't know if I owe it to her to tell her, I love her so much, her and my dad have one of those relationships that I look up to (not sure about that anymore) however she does rely on my dad, and it will be her life on the ground and not my dads if their marriage was ruined.
I could talk to him first but then once he knows I know then what?
I'm sorry I'm offloading on here, I've told my partner but wish I hadn't, for a start he's been useless! I don't have anyone to talk to where our family won't end up being talk of the town. Thank you in advance for any replies

Can you talk to your brother? He deserves to know, and you could decide together if you should let your dad know you know?

I'm very close to him, I think I can talk to him about it but not sure I want to get him involved so that my mum's the only person who doesn't know, assuming she doesn't! I've got some serious thinking to do

I think the best is to be honest. Even though that can be painful now.
For all you know your Brother or Mother may already know.

It will not necessarily ruin your parents marriage, no one really knows what goes on in someone else's relationship.

If she's messaged you then she might have already messaged your brother too?

I think I'd be honest.
And make sure even if you speak to your dad or brother first, that your mum does find out because I'd hate for it to come out years later and somebody says 'well gwil found out 6 years ago!' And you and your mums relationship suffers because you kept it from her. Does that make sense?

Talk to your mum first. Also make it clear brushing it under carpet isnt an option.

I'd also reply saying just seen this. Am in shock so please give me chance to process this news.

I have a half sister I have never met and like your half sister I messaged mine through FB. Like your half sister I never heard back. Not even a "I can't handle this, don't contact me" message. That really saddened me.

Our father is dead. I grew up without him. She grew up with him. I would have loved to hear a few stories of what he was like as a Dad. Only she could give me that. I didn't want to hurt her, or make her life difficult, I just wanted to find out about my own father and therefore my own identity. I have no siblings (or parents now) so I was excited to find a relative.

That's probably not helpful but I just wanted to give you a tiny insight into what might be her perspective.

OP what did you decide to do?

Hi all, I don't use this site at all, I think at the time I saw it mainly as a way to get something off my chest, I'm not sure now if I actually wanted to hear answers or to simply just say it out loud, but I thought that I should let you know that it's still a secret that I hold, got to be nearly a year on now, and one that I think about every single minute, and one that still breaks me ever. If I thought like the poster that has commented, if I was in the perspective of the lady that has messaged me, how would I feel if I was her, i should just message. But then is the feelings of someone I've never met more important than the ones of my family? I'm sure that's a rhetorical question because I think I already know the answer.
I'm being very selfish, my dad is my dad and apart from my brother, is no one else's dad, it's not my fault that that girl couldn't keep her mouth shut so I crushingly think that it's my job to do so. If I message her back, then what? I don't think that me replying is going to make the 20 years of my dad's/the girls abuncancy issues ok. One thing is for sure, I've never mentioned the secret folder on Facebook to my family incase this girl has decided to message them too. I probably should talk to a professional someone, how I see it is if I hold it to myself, it'll only be me that's fucked up ( aside from my dad and this girl ) or if I tell, everyone will be fucked up. I don't want to fuck everyone up. Thank you to the people that kindly messaged xxx

You first posted about this 11 months ago. Have you really done nothing about it since then? Is that not eating away at you?
It is not your half sister who was at fault in this situation and it wouldn't be you that caused any issues if you did decide to speak out about it. This is all down to your dad, I'm afraid. She probably just needs answers, as do you.
It's a horrible situation all round. I feel for you and for her.
Good luck, whatever you decide.

I come from a similar situation.
I've recently found my half sister. She looks just like me and is 2 years younger than me. My mum and dad were married and my mum left him after being physically abused by him for the few years they were together. I was a baby. Then my dad got another woman pregnant and wanted nothing to do with them after he found out. 33 years later and I managed to find some names and managed to contact her. She knew nothing of me until 2 weeks ago, even though I knew that I had a half sister somewhere for all of my adult life. But we've managed to strike up an online friendship and are talking of meeting soon.

It must be heartbreaking for this girl to know that her biological father abandoned her, she's only reaching out to you because you are her blood relative. Please please please send her some acknowledgment that you have read her message. Just to be acknowledged will help this girl come to terms with some of the abandonment she is feeling. It's not her fault after all. Even if you don't want to talk to her further. Just let her know that you have read her message and that you are processing this yourself and to give you time.

It must still be an enormous shock for you.
Massive hugs.

gwilXoXoX
Thank you for replying.
I hope it works out for you.
A relative of mine has recently discovered half siblings but has not contacted them. My relative is not sure if they know.

I also have recently discovered half siblings (I’m adopted) and am desperate for contact with my birth family. I think you should contact this poor girl - after all she had done nothing wrong. You may just find you are glad of her relationship to you one day.

OP - I would leave well alone. It's not the girl's fault but your own DM is your priority. Your DF is aware of her existence and he can manage the relationship with her or not as he sees fit. Unfortunately I feel that long lost relatives may simply be curious, understandably, but it can cause too much disruption with no particular gain for the searcher either.

Any updates on this story? I’ve been holding on to a similar “secret” for five years now. My mother asked that I keep it a secret (after I confronted her about it). It was a lot to hold on to. Finally I told a sibling and now both my parents are not speaking to me....while my other siblings still do not know - any pointers here?

I'm on the other side of these stories, my mum and dad spilt when I was a year old, we were living in a another European country at the time.
My mum ran off with me back to the UK and never had anymore to do with my father or his family.
A year ago I received a letter from my uncle telling me of my grandfathers death, that I was named in his will and he asked for contact also.
After much thought I made contact and have been on a rollercoaster ever since!

I found out my father died some years ago and I have a half brother! I've been to visit them and have met my aunties, uncle, cousins and of course my brother. It was wonderful but has left me feeling anxious.

The relationships are progressing well and we are all happy to know each other but it has bought feelings of resentment to the fore-why didn't my mother keep in touch for my sake, what if I had had the opportunity to grow up with my brother etc....
My relationship with my mother has deteriorated as she doesn't know why I would want anything to do with them (she felt unsupported by the family when my father was abusive)
So my point is it's very hard from the "outsiders" point of view.
There is so much emotion involved and being able to piece together your own history is such an important thing to do that's a right for most people but a privilege for people like me.
There has been times when I wish they had never got in contact because of all the feelings it's stirred up, luckily it's only momentary and I'm glad they did, but it isn't easy for anyone and there isn't a right or wrong way to deal with it.
I agree with the poster who said it feels like Jeremy Kyle! That's exactly how it does feel.
My friends and family think it's more surreal than a TV show.

It is like JK! And it is painful. I am just not sure how to solve this as now half of my siblings still do not know....and I do not think that my parents plan to tell them!

Bbblacksheep.

I went through something similar 10 years ago. I found out and kept it to myself at my parents request, but on the understanding that my parents would tell my other siblings. Eventually they did, and my siblings found out I knew. Honestly, our relationship recovered but they were angry at me for keeping it to myself which I understand. My suggestion would be to let your parents cool off and then speak to them about it along with your other sibling who knows. Hope it works out for you.

You don't know if this girl is genuine even though it sounds as though she is. In your position I would speak to my dad, show him the message and ask him outright. Then you and he can work out what to do next.

Good luck.

jessstan2
This thread is four years old.
I wonder what happened.

Would love to hear an update!