HELP!!! plant to stop people sitting on my garden wall

[zebramummy]

sorry if this sounds a bit mean but i live next to a public building in london and my wall has turned into a bench for people waiting for lifts and smoking etc. i have planted privet bushes but they are growing quite slowly and i am not sure if they are going to do the trick anyway. i am looking for ideas for fast growing stuff to plant in between the privet or over the wall part that will deter this behaviour and bring down dh's blood pressure!!

ivy?

You want something that will hang over the wall? Or something spiky and mean? For the latter, berberis and pyrocantha are pretty good at poking people in an ow fashion. They both grow outwards in long stems so would stick out over the wall. Privet's pretty useless in that sort of situation tbh, it doesn't grow very fast and isn't very scary.

Why don't you want people sitting on your wall though or is that a silly question?

but which type of ivy is not poisonous just in case somebody decides to have a nibble? i might be mildly pissed off about it but i dont actually want to poison anybody (not even the mum and daughter who plonked their loaded ASDA bags down on the wall this afternoon and looked in to see what ds and I were watching on tv)

cacti

can you put a small foot high railing on the wall to raise the height a bit and stop people sitting on it - cheaper than rebuilding the wall a foot higher and quicker than growing a plant

moss

Rip out the privet and plant pyracantha instead. It is very thorny, and very fast growing. It is the sort of plant recommended to grow against the house to prevent burglars climbing walls to get into your house. Dh and I are forever getting rid of it as it is so so thorny, but it does have pretty red berries in the autumn (I think) so it is not an unsightly plant.

you just need to put a little sigh on your wall

'if you experience a virulent rash with irritation after sitting on this wall please be advised that it is due to the sap from the poisonous plant growing behind'

Rosa rugosa also v prickly and pretty into the bargain

"Rip out the privet" - can't do that! cost rather a lot at the nursery a few weeks ago - i have been nurturing it and i have grown quite attached to it even though i am the first to acknowledge its apparent limitations. really need something that will work with it. have to add that my neighbour is actually a school so i am trying to steer clear of berries just in case i am accused of the worst...

Holly? I don't think they're toxic but if you're really worried you could go for all male bushes so no berries at all. Hawthorn and blackthorn are also quite effective. Blackberries can be vicious, but they can also get a bit too enthusiastic and you might get nibblers coming by instead...

If you want the privet to be the long-term privacy screen, though, you might want to consider the railings idea - anything you plant between the privet and the wall as a short term measure will steal nutrients from the privet and when you cut it down it will take the privet a while to fill in the gap.

barb wire?

OK well keep the privet then, but still plant pyracantha inbetween. It can be hedged like privet so it will blend with it quite well.

Privet berries not recommended snacking anyway! Pyracanthus or holly. Or stinging nettles?!

I'd go with the pyracantha too. I quite like the look of them too.