I want a shrubbery

[Dilbertian]

Ni! Ni! Ni! Ekki ekki ekkie ptang zoom boink!

Right. Now that's dealt with, I could do with some advice from any knowledgeable gardeners.

I've got a strip about 9-10m long to fill. I'm thinking variegated aucuba for the shadiest area next to an established stand of black bamboo, viburnum (haven't decided which) variegated golden holly, pyracantha or berberis, English yew and privet.

Will I be able to shred prunings of all these plants and use them as mulch?

If I plant spiky things like pyracantha and holly, will my hands regret it when pruning, and will my children's feet regret it when they run around barefoot?

If I mulch with shreddings of spiky plants, do the spikes cause problems?

I intend to plant two offset rows. If I plant different colours of pyracantha right next to each other, will the branches grow into each other and give a merged effect as if one plant produces both red and orange berries?

I'm not 100% sure about yew. I like the plant, but I'm not sure it 'goes' with my other selections. I'm not worried about the toxicity of yew. It's an urban garden, we have no herbivorous pets, and the dc are old enough to be sensible.

The bamboo is at one end of the shrubbery. At the other end there is a gap where a much-loved mature tree fell in a storm. Whatever I plant there, I intend to let it grow to its maximum height, and only prune the base. I thought of planting the privet there. I love the appearance and fragrance of privet flowers, but when I've been looking at gardening websites, some mention their 'unpleasant' smell. Is there a specific ligustrum that smells nice? I thought I'd go for ligustrum ovalifolium, because I thought it was the densest and fully evergreen.

Thanks for any advice or suggestions.

Ni.

I personally avoid spiky stuff unless it is worth it. So sea buckthorn or a chaenomeles quince. Other than that just why go spiky?

Viburnum yes as they smell awesome. But I am pretty meh about all the rest. What is it that is attracting you to them all? I have a pretty simple checklist: are they: edible, scented, useful or beautiful and if not, why grow them?

Well I can tell you that berberis spikes survive shredding and mulching, and can and will still happily stab you after theyve been on the ground for months and months.
And Holly leaves stay spiky too. Bad if they get blown out from under the tree to where feet tread.

Chanomeles and sea buckthorn are deciduous. Though lovely!

I agree with your checklist.

Edible: pyracantha, berberis, viburnum for humans and birds. Holly for birds.
Scented: viburnum, ligustrum.
Useful: all, because dense, evergreen and will reach the right height.
Beautiful: ah, well, that's subjective. But they're all plants I like.

@TheSpottedZebra

Well I can tell you that berberis spikes survive shredding and mulching, and can and will still happily stab you after theyve been on the ground for months and months. And Holly leaves stay spiky too. Bad if they get blown out from under the tree to where feet tread.

Bother.

Their spikes also deter fence-climbers.

They do! Just be careful cutting them and don't use as mulch. Unless you have spare fingers.

Chanomeles and sea buckthorn are deciduous. Though lovely!

I know. I meant that's the only spiky stuff I'd consider. Although I have inherited mahonia at my new house.

I've only ever had pyracantha trained against a wall or fence. Yes they will grow into each other, but they are a bit rampant and need quite a bit of pruning (careful to allow for flowering). I don't recall much spontaneous shedding of thorny twigs, but have spiked myself many times.

Ceanothus? It's pretty, more bush-like than pyracantha, dense, bees love it, and although pruning requires gloves it's not actually spiky.

You could also create a two level effect with a little path. Have you asked Roger for his advice?

Ceanothus looks like a plant that I should like, but I never do when I see it. I don't know what I've got against it!

Would you ask advice from a man with THAT haircut?

If you want non spiky evergreen, how about a pittosporum? Lots of types, and sizes. I love mine, it is pittosporum tenuifolium, not one of the named cultivars, so lovely fresh green leaves, and black stems, which make for a surprisingly elegant looking plant. There are variegated versions about, if that is more your thing, and a purple leaved variety too.

For non spiky berries, you could have cotoneaster lacteus.

And there are non spiky hollies out there. We had a huge holly bush in my parents' garden, and it rendered a whole swathe of the lawn torture for bare feet.

Sorry but you can't deal with it as easily as that. Firstly you must cut down another shrubbery! You must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest with.... a herring! :-)

When I brought my house I thought our shrubbery looked old fashioned but actually it gives a lot of bang for its buck. It’s also under planted with drifts of snowdrops and daffodils that look lovely in early spring. If you are looking to replace your tree how about a witch hazel? Looks fantastic in spring and autumn as long as there’s other stuff to focus on in midsummer.

Ours seems to have a vaguely red and pink theme. Worth thinking about how all the plants go together. We have a red barberis with is a bigger to prune. Indian smoke bush and red pittosporum which is the most low maintenance thing ever, also lovely are the tiers of our wedding cake tree.

@Dilbertian

Would you ask advice from a man with THAT haircut?

Fair comment.

There's none spikey mahonia. Want to say it's called gentle caress.

Some good ideas here. I had pyracantha bordering a drive many years ago and we had many punctures in bicycle tyres as a result. Something to take into account maybe?

Storm Herring cut down the mightiest tree in my forest

OK, I'm rapidly losing the love for pyracantha. (More . The berries are a big draw.)

If I plant spiky things like pyracantha and holly, will my hands regret it when pruning, and will my children's feet regret it when they run around barefoot? I was going to say, if they’re young enough, they’ll just take it as part of life and learn to be careful. But”old enough to be sensible “? I think they’ll still learn, but will complain like stink.

I love the smell of privet flowers. But if I were able to grow something tall, I’d go for cherry laurel. OK it’s poisonous, but it has lovely spikes of white flowers followed by berries which go through an intermediate stage of mixed greens and pinks before the whole bunch ends up black.

What about Camellia?

Still prickly, but not so much (sharp leaf tips rather than actual spines) is Pernettya. You need a male along with your females. Probably not tall enough. Also Skimmia ssp Reevesiana. I noticed the woodland planting around Portmeirion was using Skimmia in place of holly

A SHRUBBERY?!

I'd recommend cotoneasters. We have a low outside wall covered in them, and the flowers are covered in bees in spring and then the berries provide food for birds all winter (and entertainment for humans watching!). They do spread though.

Another bush that's superb for bees is escallonia, though they can be fussy. I adore them (there's one that's 50+ years old in my late father's garden) and call them bee bushes as they attract hundreds of honeybees, but all attempts to grow one where I live (shade, chalk, dry) have unsurprisingly failed. I put hollies there instead which love it, and yes I do have issues with the spikes as a PP noted!

If you get philadelphus then they take over somewhat. Though you can prune to the ground - literally - and they come back. Same with lonicera nitida hedging.

If your soil is suitable, and they won’t catch morning sun, then camellia can be beautiful- evergreen, glossy leaves, reasonably fast growing, single flowered varieties particularly beautiful (and the autumn-flowered sasanqua type is in my wish list).

I love mahonia (leaves and flowers) against a blue winter sky, but mind is very bony/leggy.
Daphne bhoula, viburnum, skimmia also easy and lovely.
Beside / staggered row in front of your bamboo, a caster oil plant could look good and is quite modern /tropical. Often shrubberies veer into “roundabout in Cumbernauld circa 1980” territory and that avoided that!