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Gardening

Find tips and tricks to make your garden or allotment flourish on our Gardening forum.

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Original poster

Oh FFS, I have got a cultivation order!

22 replies

FillyjonktheFluffy · 09/09/2006 10:08

Am well fuming

I have battled with this f'er of an allotment for 3 f'ing years now.

It is stony, clayey soil, on a frigging welsh hillside.

Every time I put a frigging tree or bush in, some f'er nicks it.

Yes, it has weeds on it. It also has tomatoes, artichokes, courgettes and various (tagged) fruit bushes.

And, by a huge, massive coincidence, a rather wonderful shed that we installed. Oooh, its all starting to come together.

Am well f'ed off. I have 2 toddlers. I cannot be up there every second of the frigging day, but I DO grow stuff on it.

(sorry for swearing rant but am FUMING.)

WFT do I do? I AM cultivating it. There is a coven of old men out to get my shed, I think. I thought they were meant to jsut dismatle it in the night, surely?

OP posts:

marthamoo · 09/09/2006 10:28

I have no idea what a cultivation order is - does it mean you have to do the weeding or they'll confiscate your allotment? But much sympathy - it sounds like you've worked damned hard and they are not cutting you any slack. What can you do?

Original poster

FillyjonktheFluffy · 09/09/2006 10:34

yeah thats it.

I have to get rid of all the weeds.

In 28 days

I actually don't know how I can do it. The place is absolutely infested with bindweed. Every year we pull it up. Every year there's more.

We lost a plot about 3 years ago because we were a week late with our subs (they hadn't actually sent us a letter). We got given another plot, which, ooh coincidence, belonged to the site secretary's son and was covered in rubble. We have spent much of the past 3 years moving the f'ing rubble.

Its all old men who sleep in their sheds. I can see why they want our shed.

Oooh, am so

OP posts:

marthamoo · 09/09/2006 10:41

Can you enlist friends and family to help? Maybe have a big weeding session then all back to yours for an allotment party? I've always imagined allotments to be mostly owned by grumpy old men who are suspicious of young incomers and sabotage prize marrows and the like - you're confirming my suspicions.

FillyjonktheBananaEater · 09/09/2006 10:45

That is completely what my allotment is like, MM. I keep meaning to take some photos with a grainy b+w film and get some "oooor....ahhhhh... quotes off them all".

They have actually nicked some of my artichokes. "ooooh, fancy veg, oooh, we don't hold with suchlike in these parts, "

I think allotment party might be the way to go. Yes. Did this already. Will have to provide lots of wine. Hopefully we can still manage to weed in straight lines.

marthamoo · 09/09/2006 10:47

Good luck. Show the old farts you won't be beaten. Allotments are so cool - my friend has one in London. I'd love the home grown vegetables but couldn't keep up with the hard work, I know I'd be getting cultivation orders too!

FillyjonktheBananaEater · 09/09/2006 10:50

Ah, with MN vibes how can I fail?

Or I might just appeal.

anorak · 09/09/2006 10:50

Don't the old codgers have any weeds on their plots? Can you insist everyone is subject to the same strictures?

Or creep into their sheds in the night with your secateurs and snip their dangly bits off.

marthamoo · 09/09/2006 10:51

Can you transplant weed on to their plots? Or buy a few packets of wildflower seeds and get sprinkling?

at anorak - never knew you were so bloodthirsty...I like the cut of your jib though

FillyjonktheBananaEater · 09/09/2006 10:52

rofl at anorak

oooh, tempting.

doubt they'd notice, anyway

marthamoo · 09/09/2006 10:52

I meant weeds - that sounds like I'm suggesting you plant cannabis (and even I know that won't grow outside in Wales).

FillyjonktheBananaEater · 09/09/2006 10:52

I could stand on my well posh shed and wave bindweed seeds around. Nice.

FillyjonktheBananaEater · 09/09/2006 10:53

Yes it will, MM

Saturn74 · 09/09/2006 10:55

Where are you, FJ? We could all come and help with the weeding!

marthamoo · 09/09/2006 10:56

Really? I thought you had to have heat lamps and stuff like that. Don't be growing iffy plants on your allotment will you - they'll throw more than cultivation orders at you then

FillyjonktheBananaEater · 09/09/2006 11:02

cardiff, HC .

i had a friend who grew canabis in his (mum's) back garden in, ffs, fife. So I am assuming that it is possible in wales.

his mum, a keen gardener, watered the plants religiously and he would harvest them upon his return from uni. I don't think she knew what they were....Maybe they were just a super-hardy variety? He got the seeds from a pet shop.

marthamoo · 09/09/2006 11:03

Ohhhh, Cardiff...fond memories.

FillyjonktheBananaEater · 09/09/2006 11:08

sorting out weed infested allotment-type memories?

marthamoo · 09/09/2006 11:11

Nah, getting drunk and falling down a lot type memories.

Greensleeves · 09/09/2006 11:34

This happened to us earlier this year. The plot we were given was completely overgrown and encrusted with weeds. The ground was baked so hard it was like rock-breaking on a chain gang turning it into viable beds. We got a warning about the weeds about two months after we took it on, even though we had already got about 15 different things growing and had done tons of work. , There were thick brambles and nettles and bindweed, at the back of the plot it was just a thicket, the weeds were taller than me. I did the whole lot in one weekend with a pair of secateurs, cutting myself to ribbons on the brambles and getting covered in nettle stings, while all the old allotment folk with their petrol mowers and strimmers and rotivators just watched.

I think you just have to stick it out, control the weeds as best you can. I found putting flowers in strategic positions made it look a bit more tarted up and "lived-in" and making sure the paths and edges were trimmed helped. We also made the middle section of the plot a bean-growing area - once the beans climbed up their poles they efectively made a screen between the old folks and the tattier side of our allotment.

It's bloody hard work with two toddlers.

FillyjonktheBananaEater · 09/09/2006 11:48

greeny

that is fab advice

thank you so much

right, this cutting oneself to ribbons business is what me, or possibly dp, should do.

Am also well hacked off because I had loads of flowers, I had lavender and sage and roses and fruit bushes and quince trees and raspberries and blueberries and rhubarb and it has ALL BEEN FRICKING NICKED. And they fecking know it.

Would flounce but there is a waiting list for other sites.

perhaps i will do my violin practice up there tonite. and ds can accompany me on his accordian.

Greensleeves · 09/09/2006 11:52

It is a swine when stuff gets nicked/vandalised, it is a major problem on most allotment sites I think. Our "shed" is botched together out of bits of old corrugated iron and a hunk of wood though, so I think it's safe

FillyjonktheBananaEater · 09/09/2006 11:57

maybe I will put a layer of botched twine and corrugated iron (and all the lovely asbestos lying around ) over my lovely shed.

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