I have just interrupted two snails in the act of love

[Leaningtoweroflisa]

Doing a tidy up, lifting some old broken tiles and found some big snails. Picked them up to show DS...

Bleurgh. Had forgotten they are hermaphroditic. They had their big long slimy white bits in each other.

Need brain bleach.... Luckily ds was oblivious what with being 2!

well that was very rude of you.

You need to undo the damage you have caused. Play them some Barry White and roll a couple of teeny tiny cigs and leave them on the side.

hecate I'm afraid I took them to the dump and chucked them in the garden waste bin. Together, mind, so if they weren't too put off by my rude interference in their rudeness they could just resume some hawt slimy long white thang probing?

My mum just found another pair at it under a rock, so obviously my garden is some sort of snail lurve zone. I did just put out some beer traps and young plants

coil it didn't actually make a noise when I pulled them apart except in my imagination which went SLURP. And MOIST.

Barry White does it for me every time.

On a snail related theme is it true they hate copper wire around the pots?

Mine must be enormous judging by the plants they destroy.

I put copper sticky tape round the hosta pots last year, and they still got eaten.

Hah, coil I think David Attenborough got there first, v tasteful. Mine would be cheap n nasty snail porn, probably with camera person in view type... Do you think there is a market for this?

The copper tape didn't work for me, it unstuck and blew forlornly from where it stayed stuck. The beer traps were the best investment - the traps were pretty cheap but unfortunately the snails in my garden turn their horns up at value beer but commit suicide in their 100s for Irish stout...

Also discovered that the spring foliage provides excellent cover - those annoying but pretty Spanish bluebells are slug hotels.

Not to boast but some of my snails are massive - over an inch. Anyone else have these and are they edible? Not brave enough so far to try sampling them...

hedgehogs eat snails. I am sure there is also a market for hedgehog porn. 50 shades of prickles.

Rule 38 applies.

If you google 'snail porn' there are lots of hits. Including to videos.

I rescued a snail this morning and just as I was carefully putting it on a wall and feeling all good about myself, I felt a "crunch", yep, I'd managed to casually murder another one :( I felt awful!

And in the interests of research, I also googles 'hedgehog porn' and discovered it's a nn for Ron Jeremy.

I'm peeved about snail damage but I doubt I would risk a hedghog up my arse.

Nothing against hedgehogs but my piles would be murder.

Some people use snail juice as a skin cream- rejuvenating apparently. It's why snails always look so young.

They never think to get a room these snails! I have 'parrot porn' - photos from when two of my birds were getting jiggy and making baby parrots .

I found a snail in the house yesterday. Does this mean that if I don't clear my history, I'll be inundated as his/her friends invade and all slime towards the iPad ?

you are running a snail brothel. Disgraceful. Will nobody think of the children?

meditrinathey will be using their white wotsits to swipe on your iPad, dirty slimy brutes! Yes, beast I was thinking of ds, oh let's learn about nature, look at these big snails... I didn't realise I have become a snail madam, I am now going to find how to profit from their disgusting reproductive antics not really, so far we have snail porn, now snail brothel, with Barry White laid on, maybe lure them in and farm them for eating.

On the other hand, I was thinking of the snail children - noooo, not more snails I've just put in me lettuces!!!