Come into the garden with Maud - all obsessive and wannabe gardeners welcome

[ComeIntoTheGardenMaud]

Whether you've got rolling acres or a tiny courtyard, whether you're a novice or a gardening die-hard, whether you're aiming for a garden of Sissinghurst loveliness or self-sufficiency à la Felicity Kendal in The Good Life, this is the place to be. Take a seat on the tastefully-painted Lutyens bench and chat with fellow enthusiasts. There may even be a bottle of gin in the potting shed.

Let's put it to the test, Monty. Let's look at the state of your soil-encrusted hands.

I've been at a cheese 'n this evening. managed to get some phytoxthera chitchat in there.

might have rinsed them in that stream under the bridge, Maud

more wine than cheese, it goes without saying

I don't understand why you are so cynical, Lexi. We are in the presence of the great Monty Don.

::curtsies::

God his hands great aren't they?

I'm off to name change to someone where I don't feel such a responsibility to be the friggin sexiest man alive.

I haven't the stamina for this.

Phew!

That's more like it. Bit less pressure with a name like this. Good gardener, but not so much with the sexy.

I have an irrational fear of mud encrusted hands Sorry Monty (& Maud who I worry about upsetting).

Miss Jekyll, my dear, you seem to have misspelt your own name.
Nevertheless, I am convinced that, like dear Monty, you are the real deal.

::makes allowances, what with Miss J having shuffled off this mortal coil before the invention of the Internet::

::awaits the arrival of Mr Tradescant and Capability Brown::

How do you cope as a gardener, Bertha, if you can't bear muddy hands?

Gloves. Lots of gloves. And hand-washing immediately I return to the house. And hand cream. I'm quite proud of myself when I get mud under my nails. It's a' catching on material' thing really rather than a mud issue - so rough, dry skin or that material you get on cheap kids toys. Ughhhh. Shuddering at the thought.

Bet Bertha has proper gardening gloves and actually wears them not just tuck them into pockets like me

Sorry to bring up butt issues Maud. I would come round and be your butt consultant if you wanted. I think I have decided on a combination of option 2/3. If anyone's remotely interested.

Must go. Have to drive to work at 7 and need to metabolise this wine.

Ha! I knew it!

I find that even with gloves on (unless they're my sooper dooper suede ones) I still end the day with grubby hands. I keep a bottle of hand soap and a nail brush hanging from the garden tap, to minimise the mud brought into the house.

Good night, Lexi.

Are Monty and Gertrude still with us?

My hands are always grubby. I start off wearing gloves but I always end up disgarding them, especially if I'm weeding

What type are your suede ones Maud?

Typical! I googled it as well, to get it right!

Grrr!

In my experience the ONLY way to get one's hands properly clean after weeding is to wash one's hair. Which is annoying as usually I only wash my hair once a week.

Just been drunkenly slug-hunting. Two of the bastards were nibbling at my freshly planted broad bean Came across a multiple snail orgy but couldn't bring myself to end their fun.

Oooh suede gloves. I have about 10 pairs of gloves in the shed but the mice keep eating them. Maybe if I paid for suede gloves I may actually find somewhere mouse free to keep them.

Night Lexi

What do you do with them? I find a large pair of scissors and cutting them in half is the best bet. Much more humane than salt etc. Though they never seemed to decrease (am between gardens at the minute). Monty started a trial - just before his stroke - using organic slug pellets. Is it alright to use them now?

Gertrude - I presume you're asking about the slugs rather than the gloves or the mice?

I squash my slugs underfoot. Sometimes they pop nicely.

Well, I have tried setting some traps with milk and yeast. This is the first year I have had a garden, so really a novice on the whole slug blood sport thing. Haven't worked up to cutting them in half yet... possibly need to be a bit drunker for that.

After a couple it gets easier.

Worth putting some kind of marker on the 'special' scissors - don't want to find yourself wondering if there's been a mix up next time you're cutting the rind off bacon or something. Though all that seems to come out of them is green slime, so I assume it's just digested hostas or something.

Thank you for that useful tip, Gertrude.

Found a slug last year (on previous thread somewhere) which I got the tape measure out for. It was 6 inches long. Sent that one off with DH and he chopped it in half - with the spade though, not scissors!