Not ready for university?

[AshtonGardens]

Hi, am looking for anyone's experience of a year 12 DS who is not engaging with the university idea (but doesn't have any other plans either).

He's not interested in a traditional gap year, hasn't any work alternatives, and doesn't want to go to any Open Days. He is working well at A-Levels and is predicted A stars and A (maths and sciences), but he doesn't seem to particularly enjoy studying and has always enjoyed art and music as his main hobbies. He was put into some Oxbridge prep classes via school, but found it all quite intense and says he isn't competitive.

Can I help give him some direction, without it being the wrong direction?

If he is targeting those kinds of grades, he could really make a difference to his life by going to a high-rated uni to study something related – maths, physics, engineering – all can lead to well-paid and rewarding jobs.

What motivates him? If he is keen on money then he really would do well to at least consider HE. Can you take him to an open day this summer (even your local uni to save on a long trip)? If he is not keen, can you combine it with something he does enjoy?

If he is targeting As and A stars but does not enjoy study he must be very smart. What I mean is, while you can get a high GCSE grade without working super hard, if you are quick and have a good memory (and I am not dissing those who struggle at GCSE – I know all about that too), to get A star at A level you really must be doing some work. Does it all just come easily to him? Is he afraid of it being hard at uni? this was my personal experience but looking back it was helpful to me.

If he flatly refuses to consider uni or open days he will need to find a job. What is his plan. Make it clear that while you will support him at uni, if he chooses not to go, his decision cannot involve sitting at home not earning any ££.

I wonder if he would be a good candidate for a degree apprenticeship? But again he would need to have an area in mind.

It’s a lot of relentless pressure through the education treadmill and I’m a big advocate for a year or two out. My DD wasn’t ready at 18 but over the last year has really grown into a lovely adult. The difference is she has structure in her life from a very demanding sports training schedule, plus had a part time job all through college and is now in another really good p/t job maternity contract for a year getting direct life experience that applies to the degree course she’s interested in. She’ll have had 2 year “gap year” but what’s she’s gained in that time in life skills, driving, working, food budgeting, independent holidays etc. has been brilliant. Our rules as parents was she needed to cover her costs but any money she’s given us we put aside into university living costs funds.

Sometimes the best direction is to just take a pause. He’s doing really well but has been working to one exam or another for a good chunk of his life. It’s ok he doesn’t have the next step worked out. Could he take a gap year maybe just doing a job to fund himself while he thinks about uni or apprenticeship or whatever?

My DS wasn’t ready at that stage - he took a year out, and changed from Economics to Medicine. His year out wasn’t very productive, btw, although to be fair, it was 2020. Even with the extra year he wasn’t really ready. But it did help. He’s very happy now - he’s on his intercalation year.

My DD wasn’t ready, and didn’t know what she wanted to do. She’s changed from Maths, or Spanish, or Russian or any combination of the above, to Fashion Marketing. She had a somewhat more productive year out doing a foundation Art course.

My DD’s take on the situation was, she’d rather regret not going in September than regret going in March.

Gap year.

mine responded well to the idea that it was the opportunity to try a few things and get a sense of what they liked and what they didn’t

Let him finish school then get a job, any job- a few months working does help them decide what to do later.

Why can’t he study art or music if that’s what he enjoys?

Definitely plan a gap year. My ds was not doing well academically at that stage (he semi pulled it out of the bag by the end!) and definitely didn't want to go to uni - but didn't know what he wanted to do, except maybe a degree apprenticeship.

He had a year out, initially working more than full time in a supermarket from June to December (60 hours a week for a lot of the time), earning enough money to do a structured 5 week course/outward bounds experience in NZ, a mission trip in the Pacific and then 3 months travelling with friends in south east Asia. He came home to work again and replenish his funds.

During that year he decided he did want to go to uni after all, to do Real Estate (that was the 'sensible/vocational' option), then later realised he was really into Politics and Philosophy so changed his application just before going travelling. He's studying that now and it was definitely the right choice as he's doing really well.

He made loads of new friends during his year out (both at work and travelling), improved his organisational skills (from a very low starting point!), learned lots of things about himself, experienced full time work and started uni in a much better place than my daughter, who went straight from school.

He has 6 months to decide if he wants to apply in Year 13. Or he can take a gap year as others have said. I would not force an ambivalent child towards university; he needs to what to go himself.

There are open days on at the moment - if you have a local university it might be worth visiting just for him to get a feel for what "going to university" will actually mean. Or he might get some motivation when he sees his peers making future plans.

Thanks everybody, your insights have been really useful, and have helped me to be less concerned about going down a different path than his peers. He's a gentle soul and a real homebody, so I just don't want him to miss out on all the opportunities out there.

Work experience is happening next week, which may kickstart some engagement with the real world, but I agree the education system is such an exam treadmill these days that he struggles to think about the bigger picture.

I will certainly not be pressuring him to head straight to university if he is unsure; the cost implications are far more serious than in my day, and possibly another factor that is making him wary.

The other thing to bear in mind is that the job market is absolutely brutal at the moment and there are no guaranteed jobs even if you have a STEM degree. There’s no hurry for him to apply to university. Agree with PP that a job after school and/or degree apprenticeship might be a good route.

Unless he is applying to Oxbridge or medicine/vet med the UCAS deadline is not until January and even if not then, he could look into Extra next Spring or Clearing should eh change his mind. Uni is not for everyone and gaps are increasingly common. There will be open days in the autumn if he wants to explore options but maybe just let him focus on A levels for now.

For context amongst my DDs college friendship and school cohort I’d say only 10-20% went to university at 18 nearly everyone she knows has taken a gap year or not going due to costs. The landscape has really changed in last few years as the cost / debt impacts are greater it feels.

I work for a multi-national engineering consultancy and we have school leavers join us as degree apprentices and these are often top-grade students.
We love having them train with us, go out for their day release to earn their degree and then stay on in the job upon completion and with a profession qualification as well as their degree (6 years).

Maths and science are the subjects needed for most (all?) engineering disciplines, but I’m sure there’s a whole host of degree apprenticeships in STEM.

https://www.ucas.com/apprenticeships/degree-apprenticeships

If he doesn't want to go now he likely will after a dull office job or a gap year where he can finely hone down interests and miss the structure of learning. Maybe he does need a gap year to reset and make sure he picks the right subject?

Mine wasn’t ready for university at that age either. Didn’t have a clue what he wanted to do despite being bright academically.

We sent him off on an organised 6 week Australian east coast trip. He made loads of friends and had the best time. He then worked for a bit to save up money to go back out there again.

After a year of travelling and working, he had a much better idea of what he wanted to do and accepted a place at university, where he is thriving.

Any travel is a good idea. It doesn’t have to be a gap year.

My DS absolutely hated school! even from the age of five, we had to cajole and bribe constantly….,
Ended up with two A stars and two As, but point blank refused to go to uni.
He ended up taking two years out working all sorts of odd jobs, from building sites to waitering …… He took all the overtime and any extra work that came up on Facebook etc….. that was available. He was never home.
Then one day he said……I’m going to be a pilot!!
Applied, did tests, all unbeknown to us!!
He’s now completed his training and has his first job in one of the big airlines.
Give your son time to figure himself out, he’ll find his way.

OK. It was a different time. Different jobs market.

Aged 18, i had had enough of education. I left school with A levels. Unusual for my generation. Very few went to uni. Many of my peers went to teacher training college. Teacher training was different then.

I took a 'respectable' job. I was bored out of my mind. I took a 'lesser' job which I absolutely loved and adored. I was 💯 happy, fulfilled and contented. I also made plenty of money and was successful. Eventually I ran my own business, again I was successful. Lucky me. I always had my A levels as a back up.

One day, in a moment of idleness, I decided to study a part-time degree. I did. I passed. Then I decided to study a part-time science degree, with the intention that it would help me to progress my business/ be useful if I decided to step down a bit from my business.

Next, i decided to do a masters degree. All of this studying was part time, alongside running a business, home and family. All from a person who had been disillusioned with education aged 18.

Whilst doing my masters I decided that I was ready for a change of direction. I studied for a pgce alongside winding down my business. I became a teacher.

The moral of this story is: Don't worry. He will find his way. If anyone had told 18 year old me where I would end up, I would never have believed them.

The only proviso that I would add is that your son must get a job. Even if it's sweeping the streets, he's got to do something.

If he did decide on university, would he be able to stay at home and commute? This is becoming increasingly popular. It is cheaper and not everyone wants to leave home aged 18.