Disengaged, overwhelmed Y12

[worriedaboutmyboytoday]

Hi, hoping for similar experiences and reassurance...

Ds is in Y12, still 16 and I'm worried. I practically dragged him through Y11 and GCSEs, as he was shutting down due to the endless (well meaning) pressure from school. Every minute of revision he did was the result of hours of nagging, cajoling, encouraging by me. He ended up with one Btech distinction, one 5 and four 4s, but not maths.

He has a visual processing disorder and is allowed to use a laptop, have extra time and breaks during exams. He won't use them. I think he gets so anxious/hates exams so much that he just can't wait to get out.

He's now in sixth form and does go into school, but does no homework, I have no idea whether he's started the EPQ/ course work that he's meant to be doing and he gets angry and defensive if I ask. He keeps saying that he isn't going back into Y13.

With this is mind, we went to an college open day (after a two hour row of him saying he didn't want to go) yesterday to look at a Btech level 3 extended diploma in the subject he got a distinction in. No exams, playing to his strengths etc. He lasted the principle's talk, then stormed out obviously overwhelmed.

He is resitting maths again next month (missed a 4 by 2 marks in November) and absolutely refuses to do any past papers etc (he had done some before after hours of nagging by me). He does not want to go to university (fine) but has no chance of getting any sort of job or apprenticeship without maths.

I should mention that his dad and I have recently separated. It's a long story, but he eventually had to leave after an episode of domestic abuse when I said that I would call the police if he didn't go. He's living nearby and comes round and sees the children, and although we are 'getting on' it's obviously affecting DS very deeply. He is notably more angry, stroppy and verbally aggressive than before.

He shuts down any suggestion of counselling etc. He has a good relationship with the school SENCO who is unfortunately currently on long-term sick. His refusal to accept any sort of help is such a problem.

His dad received a diagnosis of autism a few years ago and DS obvs has some traits. I spoke with the SENCO about this, who took a (sensible) it's worth thinking about an assessment but it's all about coping skills approach. As I've pointed out to ds, a diagnosis would entitled him to the exam support that he already has and doesn't use and then it's about coping skills which he could work on diagnosis or no diagnosis. I'm concerned that he'd use a diagnosis to limit himself rather than as useful information to understand himself and work out how to manage life.

Sorry this is so long. I am honestly at a loss. I still have to nag. Him to get up for school etc and am very scared about what happens this time next year (and the intervening 12 months).

Can anyone advise/relate? I don't have any family to talk to and my friends are understandably busy with their own lives.

TIA

What qualifications is he doing now? Is it A levels (you mention school which usually means that). If so, and he gained 5s and 4s after a lot of nagging and cajoling, then A levels will be turning out to be a real challenge tbh. My subject is MFL and I would expect anyone gaining lower than a strong 7 to really struggle with the A level work. I know some schools accept lower grades for A levels and for some subjects, but IMHO it does no one any favours. So he may simply be drowning with the work and this is his way of showing it. If nothing else I would definitely can the EPQ – sounds as tho that's the last thing he needs.

It sounds as though a fresh start may be better. Can you have a talk about what he might like to do? An apprenticeship (I know everyone on MN suggests this!) might suit him a lot better.

Thanks for replying and I agree. The only GCSE level subject he did well in was a Btech. He's doing that at level 3 Btech, another Btech and an 'A' level. He would be much better suited to an extended diploma in performing arts (the subject he did well at) but see my first post about my failed attempts to get him to engage with this and have a fresh start.

My current plan is to try to support him to do as well as he can in his Btechs and 'A' level and pass maths. Even as I write that, I know it will meet with endless resistance, avoidance and anger from him. I obvs won't give up although honestly don't know whether pursuing a diagnosis will help him in anyway.

He is struggling with his parents' separation (understandably) but can't really articulate his feelings.

I am encouraging him to look at apprenticeships, but he needs maths! No, he won't accept a tutor...

We did have a good chat about what he wants to do the other night. He's interested in teaching drama (he has a part-time job doing this with little kids). I didn't point out that he would need a degree to do this, as I just wanted him to be able to talk about he would like to do. He also does some football coaching with Y7 girls, which he loves.

They're his strengths - being in a leadership position and supporting younger kids. At the moment, he has no interest in any more studying, so an apprenticeship would be much better. He still needs maths and I couldn't find any apprenticeships in being a teaching assistant or the like.

I think you are on the right track with the btec, (my dd is doing a level 3 extended btec) however, I would suggest starting at level 2, redoing maths (sounds like he just missed a 4 last time?)
Then move on to a level 3.
By that time - hopefully - he'll have his maths, and be used to the school and environment.
I must agree with @clary- no pupil should be contemplating an A level unless they got 7 or above in that subject.

Yes, an extended Btech is a good idea, but no use if ds is refusing to engage with the idea!

In theory, I agree re: GCSE grade 7+ and ' A' level, but when he got his results last summer, he and I were so grateful that his sixth form would have him for ANYTHING given that he'd refused to apply anywhere else.

And him at least going to school and doing something must be better than him being at home all day.

And him at least going to school and doing something must be better than him being at home all day

See I am not sure I agree with this. because in his case it sounds as tho he is not doing anything much at school. And I still say he may well be drowning in terms of being unable to approach the work. That’s a horrible feeling. And he has another 14 months of this? And the only other option is to be at home all day?

What is the A level subject and what grade did he get at GCSE? Was the low GCSE grade a surprise – as in, he was expecting a grade 7 but it all went wrong? What is the second Btec subject? What does he say about his subjects – does he enjoy them? Does he enjoy his current study? That's the convo to have IMHO.

Funnily enough I was going to suggest drama coaching as a possible way forward. I know a YP who did this and developed it into a permanent role.

Yes to be a teacher in school he will need a degree. To me that sounds like the wrong route for him atm anyway. I searched locally to me for apprenticeships and found several early years ones including two TA roles. That might be much better. He could talk about his coaching in drama and football and they might waive the maths – or even better this could be a strong carrot for him to really try to get that grade 4 this summer.

He's doing that at level 3 Btech, another Btech and an 'A' level.

So am I right in understanding that he's doing 2 Btechs, an A level, a maths gcse resit and and EPQ?? That's a lot of work for someone who struggled so much as gcse and scored so low. I'm surprised he's taken on so much, but not so surprised he's too overwhelmed to engage with the other Btech possibility too, especially with the domestic issues in the mix. Is it possible to pause most of it and just get the maths resit over with first, as that's the one he'll need for whatever the future may have in store. It's okay to take a step back and see what the right thing for him to do next is rather than pushing on and burning out.

With everything you've said, it doesn't sound like it's worth doing one A level and no need to do an EPQ at all. As for the Btechs, he could do one full-time and then get more immersed and less fried with juggling several things at once. And if he just doesn't like being in education then it's okay to work instead. But first, take a beat. It sounds like you both really need it.

Thanks for your thoughtful replies. He socialises at school and that's where he does his football coaching. He absolutely refused to go and look at any other sixth forms or colleges in Y11 or look at apprenticeships and wanted to stay at school. He has good friends there, that's important at that age. He got quite low in mood during the long holiday last summer when he wasn't seeing much of his friends and that's a worry.

The other Btech is Applied Science and other 'A' level is Media Studies. He's not got much interest in the science - he used to do really well in it, but a change in teacher in Y11 killed it for him (his responsibility obvs). English Lit and Language he was predicted a 7+ but got 4s. He just cannot/does not have the motivation/confidence/organisational skills to do well in exams (hence me pushing the extended Btech option). He quite likes Media Studies although there have been issues with teacher sickness/absence (obvs no-one's fault).

Given the domestic issues and the state he was in yesterday at this college, I don't know if making another transition by leaving school this summer is a good idea, even if he does pass maths (which he won't know until August). There's nothing wrong with his basic maths, it's the exam conditions he shuts down in and won't use the additional support available eg extra time.

I just looked for teaching assistant apprenticeships and found some. They weren't there a few weeks ago, I guess this is the time of year they advertise - good to know.

Thanks, your posts have reminded me that we can review things at the end of Y12. Dropping the EPQ would be fine, possibly even the science, athough he is at least 'passing' it. Speaking with his drama teacher and person he works for about an apprenticeship will be worth suggesting to him.

Thanks again for your thoughtful replies. I have gone round and round with this in my head so many times it's hard to see the wood for the trees.

Could he do something like a swim coaching course? My dd's friend who is in yr 13 has been teaching at weekends since he was 16 or so. I don't think you need GCSE's. Might be a stepping stone on to another role supporting young people?

If he’s doing applied science he’ll have exams next week- mg dd is doing them and they’re very hard, despite her getting a 6,6 in science GCSE. He’s probably out of his depth. And the coursework requirement is huge. She’s written 15,000 words just for science.

Yes. He had a drama exam today and despite having prepared at school, crashed after an hour (3 hour exam) ànd only answered one of the three questions.

That's his best subject. It is all about to come crashing down and I can't stop it.

I'm now worried that he's going to get kicked out of sixth form and then the hell what with only a 3 in maths?

I emailed the deputy head of sixth form about the stand in SENCo but no reply. His form tutor is a nice guy, but thinks DS needs to just get his head down. I couldn't agree more, but have had little success in trying to get him to.

I think you’re stuck in a v old fashioned mindset of thinking you need qualifications to get on. The world has changed. People make money out of their interests on eBay, Instagram, YouTube. Or could he do an apprenticeship in something he’s interested in? If he’s autistic (and you either are or you aren’t, you don’t just have a few traits) so he probably is - then the masking at school is exhausting for him, along with all the demands of exams and coursework. Can you look at it through a different lens?

I understand what you mean but am trying to be realistic. How many young people actually make a living out of YouTube or Instagram and is being sat in their bedroom behind a computer all day actually good for them?

I agree that ds is likely autistic but is an extrovert inasmuch that he gets a lot of energy from being with people. Yes, he needs down time, bit he's sociable.

If it was easy for young people to just get a part-time job, I'd think just go and work for a bit while you mature.

When I step back, I think well, he's 16, his parents have very recently separated and at least he's going to school and doing something. Then I start worrying about how the next year will pan out and what will happen after that.

Still unsure about whether to pursue a diagnosis. Guess it would need to be via GP as can't seem to get anywhere with the school SENCo.

Thanks all. I'm not in a great space re my 22 yr marriage having just come to a slow and painful end and it's good to have some other perspectives.

if you get him diagnosed you can get DLA then PIP and accommodations at school, and he has reasoning around his behaviour and sensitivities and he can avoid autistic burnout. Getting a diagnosis will answer so many questions and open so many doors for him, and take the pressure off ‘having to’ conform.

He already hàs adjustments at school eg extra time in exams for his visual processing disorder but doesn't use them. I think he doesn't yet have the maturity to think calmly about a situation eg exam and plan how to manage it. He is VERY resistant to me or anyone else making suggestions

Do you really get DLA/PIP for an autism diagnosis? I think it's more about him having more situations where he feels good about himself and can use his strengths and exams and organising himself for course work are most definitely not those.