Year 12 - 2025/2026: Here we go again!

[QueenMabby]

A new thread for the new school and college year. A friendly thread for parents of those going into year 12 in September 2025.

icanbewhatiwant - sympathies. It is really tricky once teens have stopped listening. FWIW my DD is doing Psychology and is absolutely loving it. It seems very sciency with lots of case studies about different psychological experiments that have been done over the years.
Could you discreetly message the school but make sure they know not to tell him you made contact? Maybe a form tutor/guidance person?

@icanbewhatiwant I would forget about university courses and future careers right now, if he wants to drop chemistry, as others have said have a look at the options block and see what options are available.

Ratty announced just before he started 6th form that he thought he might change chemistry for comp sci. I thought it was a dreadful idea (not his first) and as he is intent on doing a physics (later to specialise in nuclear) I thought chemistry would be "handy". So I gave my defense but said "It's your life I will leave it with you" - he said he would talk to the tutors at the college and see what they said. They said chemistry. So he took their advice. He then badgered them for a week to move to the further maths class which they eventually found him a space for.

I think we can get too involved sometimes thinking that they are making terrible decisions, but also want them to grow into independent adults. I think his current dismissing you and saying he doesn't want to finish the tv series is rude. It's fine to be pissed off with you or know you are concerned about his decisions, but if he wants to be treated as a growing into adult, he needs to act like one as well and not sulk and give silent treatment when there is conflict.

I would try and build that bridge by saying "look sweetheart drop chemistry if you feel that is absolutely the right choice, you say you aren't learning anything now but you are just getting going, but if it really isn't you then drop it, but for now, whilst you are deciding on future steps take something else for the time being so you close fewer doors at this moment in time. Let me know what you decide to do instead"

And leave it there for a few days and see what happens.

Don't get me wrong every fibre in my body would be wanting to say, quite firmly,
"right you ungrateful, rude 16/17 year old who do you think you are blanking me, me, do you have any fucking idea how much blood, sweat and tears come into my life worrying about you and trying to move fucking mountains so you can drift through your education like some pampered pussy and you decide to blank me, grunt and send me text messages. No one is going to care about you like I do for a long while yet and yes I think you are making a mistake and are going to fuck up possible options but hey you big man strutting around with all your life experience, you know best, well go on then, show us all how it's done but don't come crying to me when it doesn't work out as perfectly as you think"

Obviously I wouldn't say any of this to him.

And clearly there is a chance he will be absolutely fine with whatever decision he makes and you are worrying over nothing.

But I do understand your concerns.

@frozendaisyi wish I could say it how you do! All 3 of my ds’s treat me like 💩 sometimes. They all give me the silent treatment, ds1 (24) didn’t speak to dh for about 6 weeks over the summer and barely spoke to me. Ds3 will stomp off to his room and not speak to me regularly too. I always feel that it’s my fault for not handling it differently. Ds2 is usually fairly easy going, but since his uni year abroad he’s been as bad as his brothers.

I do need to have a conversation with Ds about whether or not to drop chemistry, I’m just hoping the teachers will make him see sense. He’s not mentioned it again.

I will have him in the car tomorrow, that is usually a good time for conversations. I have to take him to get a photo taken for his driving licence. I filled the online provisional licence form in. I ticked the box saying use passport photo, as I did with the other 2 ds’s. But we now have a form in the post asking for a photo. So no idea why they’ve sent a form. He does have something medical that we had to declare, it then said we’d get a form for the gp to fill in. But instead we have a photo form.

@CatHairEveryWhereNowi have 2 ds’s. None of them are talking to each other! Ds3 doesn’t say much to dh either. Are we a deranged family? 🙄

@icanbewhatiwant
I would point out to him and his brothers that "silent treatment" is a form of abuse - just to let you know - fine if you think that is the right way to treat me and your dad, ok at least we know that's where we stand. Always here when you are ready to talk, talk, converse.

And leave it there

Let them think about their actions for a bit. You might/probably will be doing them a favour.

And I wouldn't be taking him for driving licence photos either this weekend, he could wait another week or so until he pulled himself together.

I would also be fucking fuming at the 24 year old, he's setting the scene.
Does he still live at home? He is a grown man and he would be getting short sharp shift here. Not screaming and shouting but a firm talking to. H would feel the same, we would basically sit the 24 yr old down and say, ok do you need help with a deposit? Let's get you moved out and living in the real world with real bills, and a real job and real consequences if you fuck up. If he gave us the silent treatment, not quite turfing him out on the streets, but if he wants to be big man, master of his destiny, then living at home with mummy and daddy is clearly cramping his style. He might not be so cocky when he can't afford "cathedral city cheese" because he has to pay his wi-fi provider bill that week. Welcome to the real world sunshine.

Tough love is still love.

So really don't worry about his A'level choices, if he's going to be a big cocky 16 year old let him make mistakes. If he comes to apply to uni and his course choice is limited, that won't be your fault. Inform, don't dictate and let him make his own choices.

Ratty's best friend in the whole wide world is a lovely young man, he's super, he comes from a household where the mum was a bit wild in her youth (still is to a certain extent! she's lovely but nuts) and there has never been any emphasis on academia. Fair enough, no judgement it takes all sorts. Instead of revising, he revised here, we tried to instill a bit of interest and pride in the basic subjects (maths and english), we sat around almost every Saturday dinner during year11 here at the kitchen table doing some "fun bits" of analysing characters of Christmas Carol, even Ratty tried to tutor him during revision sessions at school for his foundation maths, at the detriment of his revision for higher. He got grade 3s and the construction college course has decided he needs to do x3 days a week this year to resit Eng Lang and Maths to get those 4s. As I said he is a lovely teen, kind, fun, and was a bit blasse about "yeah this is all books what do I need it for" - I explained to Ratty, don't get any bright ideas about being some sort of floating genius Byron you are hitting the books what you want to do academia is the ONLY way. The only way.

So we come to now. BFF is at a different college, with a group of teens all resitting and he still comes here every weekend, more so now because he is free Mon and Friday, and there is a subtle shift, I can see it being a adult, they are not together in school every day, Ratty is flying at 6th form, talking about possible future directions, the work, new tutors. BFF I think feels a bit left behind. I asked him "how's college? Are the tutors treating you more like adults? Do you prefer this learning environment?" and the big one "ARE YOU GOING TO DO ANY HOMEWORK AND REVISION this year? sweetie"

And yes apparently he said "well I don't want to be in this position again next year" and in the end it really won't matter that he took another year to get where he wanted to be. He had to come to this realisation himself, we all tried in Year11, almost begging "please put down your gaming and just do some work a bit just enough to get a 4 FFS" but he didn't and does he regret it? Yes.

Does he think our "nagging" was "loving concern" now? yes.
He has definitely changed a bit. He wants to talk to us. I know I know. He wants our interest in him and our advice and to sit and play more board games around the table, it's almost as though he finally trusts our company.

What I am saying all boils down to "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink" until they realise they were fucking stupid for not drinking when they could and now they are thirsty.

@frozendaisyyou talk sense. I need to borrow your words. I’m not very good at parenting or what to say. Ds1 went to uni. then went travelling for about 3 years. He’s been home since April. I found him a summer job as he couldn’t find one, that has ended now, he is currently doing bat surveys and grape picking. He’s no idea what he wants to do next, I think he wants to travel again. He did a biology degree but doesn’t want to do anything biology related, he’s hoping to get into ecology. He recently asked me why I let him study biology when it’s not a good subject. Nothing to do with me 🤷‍♀️
He makes mess and gets in the way at home, ds2 and ds3 don’t get on with him, but I feel for him as he seems to have fallen out with all his friends, I think all his own doing, but he can’t see why, mostly his attitude to life/people. So like ds3 it’s very easy to say the wrong thing to him. Ds1 and ds3 are similar in many ways. Though ds3 has more friends and keeps them, ds1 has always struggled with people. Maybe I’m like that too. Though I’ve never fallen out with anyone like ds1. I can’t help feeling my ds’s are like they are because I’ve made them like it. I am quite looking forwards to ds1 going off travelling again though.

@frozendaisy - wise words - I’ve just fallen out with DS2 (yr11 this year ) - so gutted to get the school email with homework defaults on it this week after all the talk about trying this year - reading your post could not have come at a better time

Oh my goodness I recognise this!!! Hoping you’re not taking it to heart and do know that he’s not cross with you really. He may be fabulous at school but it’ll be exhausting (and perhaps even masking) so let’s rip at home where he’s safe and not judged. It’s actually a huge compliment. Though it undoubtedly feels shitty!

We’ve had a bit of a chat in the car. I didn’t mention dropping chemistry. But Ds did say he really wants to study biology. He said most people do biology and chemistry. Or physics and chemistry. Not physics and biology that’s why he can’t do them together. I asked if he’d rather do chemistry and biology he said no. I asked if he has any idea what type of place he’d like to work in for work experience. I said you must have some idea. He said he’d like to do something medical, but not a doctor, he said he’d stuffed that up as biology is needed. So I’m not sure what to suggest really.

@NotDonnathanks. Yes, I’ve always thought ds1 and ds3 might be on the autism spectrum. But teachers etc have always disagreed.

@icanbewhatiwant agh! It’s annoying he can’t switch to biology AND he’s hating chemistry as either would be good for ‘something medical’. Research chemist etc.

Yes, teachers can be amazing at spotting some ND issues but plenty of kids aren’t spotted in school, often due to very clever masking. Only psychiatrists can diagnose. Either way, I’d give him some space to sort his head out, take a step back and despite wanting to be involved in the decision making, I’d hand him back the baton and say ‘mmm, you’ve some decisions to make and maybe chat with school, son? Flick through some uni prospectuses for ideas for courses / a levels needed.’ That may help him decide. I’d not worry about work experience for now. His A level choices are needing the priority. My DDs can get overwhelmed if there’s if decisions to be made. Has he said he’ll talk to school about it? There’s no way I’d call school behind his back as that’d definitely bite me on the arse.

It’s difficult to know which way to go if they don’t have a specific path they want to follow. I think I’ve said before that ds1 didn’t want to go to uni. He did A level biology because he enjoyed that subject. Geography was another favourite at gcse but he dropped it after AS. Also A levels in film studies and business studies. By year 13 he decided he wanted to go to university. So the only subject he could do was biology. But most unis wanted a second science and maths, which he obviously hadn’t got. UEA was an option for biology and our local university. So that’s what he did. He now wishes he’d studied ecology. Ds2 wanted to study history all along. So that’s what he’s studying, but he doesn’t know what next after uni.

I was chatting to a man in our village this morning. We laughed because my Ds got the best set of grades in the school, this man’s Ds got the lowest grades and was happy telling everyone he achieved the lowest. But, the lad has a plan, he is going to college on a multi skills course, he will learn building, plumbing etc. and choose a skill to specialise in. He also won’t have over £60k debt like my oldest 2 and will probably earn very good pay when he’s trained. Whereas mine hasn’t a clue, in fact all 3 of my dc’s haven’t a clue what they want to do.

@NotDonnawe have to sort work experience by Christmas. Though it’s not until July. So we need to get thinking.

DD1 is the only one of mine to find work experience bc we just happened to have friends in the industries she was considering (medicine & finance) and she asked them & they could oblige. I think it’s a big ask taking 16 yr olds into the workplace. DD1 had fill out an incredible of forms as did the ‘sponsors’.

We had to find experience for both of our children, 2 different schools and again for our youngest at a 3rd school. We finally asked our eldest’s school for help which they did. Our youngest dropped lucky and got something from a mum of a girl in her year (in a hospital, she wants to do medicine) but it was really difficult as she was in year 10 (school only went to gcse) and no one wanted a 14 year old, even a sensible one (insurance might have come into play). All these schools ask if parents can offer something. Dh helped out with one of ds friends who got let down last minute. All in all it was very difficult to find something. It was really hard to find a volunteer placement for dofe for a year 10. We’re not Christian but our local church came good finally. All in all, an absolute pain to organise.

Leave a prospectus for univeristy and then one for grad jobs on the dining table, see if he opens them. Don't say anything about it, just leave it there. I'd also send him links to advice on careers/career quizzes and also things about internships etc. These days degrees are needed but internships, project, working with startups, non-profits is basically necessary at this point.

He can go to insight days for things like banking, commercial law, also investment banking etc, there's loads of programs for Y12-13. Look at Leap programs specific ones from each university, Sutton Trust, also Zero Gravity show loads of them and it's a free forum to talk to students from y12+ so sometimes those in univeristy or on grad jobs who have done it. More organised than student room imo, and also different boards, free access to a mentor whose in univeristy of grad job in the field you want. Also lots of webinars for univeristy, careers etc, the more you engage with the site the better. Send him a link and see what happens.

For work experience if he doesn't have connections, I had none, it's cold emailing, took months etc but all you need is one person to say yes. Try and research a little about the company, and drop it in to show you've adapted the email not just rinse and repeat for everyone. Also something about the person if its a specific person you are emailing, a case they recently worked on etc. Praising people makes them happy and more likely to say yes.

Also @icanbewhatiwant for your DS2 get him to engage with his university career services they'll do events, have links to jobs, help him make a CV, apply for internships, show him internships etc, also do interview practice. Get him to book an appointment with them, they won't judge if he's clueless, they'll help him make a plan long-term, show him insight days and internships to do to see if he likes x or not, also help with any trsts etc he has to do when applying for a job. Like the cognitive ones etc, they do pratice assessment centre tasks/simulations as well, in groups or 1-1. He should have a specific log in for their portal get him to use it.

Often also allow you to use their portal after you graduate so get DS1 to do that as well, they still help you with all the services etc. Having high stats of employability after the degree helps them.

You know this 4-5 hours per week per A-level subject they're supposed to be doing on top of lessons - is that generally set work or what? DS school has never been big on homework and I'm not convinced they're suddenly going to start. Maybe they are gearing up to it, but I'm wondering if he should be doing a lot more self-led stuff?

Dds school says about the 5 hours 'This will be split between tasks set by their teachers and additional private study including wider reading, research, note making and revision of learning.'

@Michele09 thank you, that's helpful!

What does he mean by the medical but not doctor thing? There's roles like medical physicists in the NHS who work with the medical imaging technology. There's also epidemiology and medical statistics if he likes medicine but doesn't want patients. Neither need any particular undergraduate degree although more quantitative for medical statistics (doesn't have to be maths).

@racoonpoxi mean not medicine as such.

If you can get your hands on a copy of Trotman careers which is published each year - ( old editions can be cheap on Amazon or your library might well have it ) that might help him looking at career ideas ( or you so you can come up with ideas and feed them to him that might be medical but not a DR) @icanbewhatiwant

Maybe look up clinical scientist?? It’s something that dd is interested in. You don’t need to do medicine but it’s a different route into nhs work including pathology etc. you don’t always need biology for that.