Choosing sixth form, unusual situation

[Zumbador]

DD in Y11 2 days ago we're told her school sixth form is closing so she can't go there. Devastated, loved it there esp the teachers.
She did look at the main local sixth form college last term but didn't like it, v different experience. However it is very good and lots of students go on to good unis.

She wants to go there, it's oversubscribed and they've said they can't do anything special for DD, wait and see "in the summer" - not sure when this means, maybe after results day.

Two other options, both private schools that would be 45+mins on school bus each way:
One half the price of all other privates round here hence I can afford it, v small, not academic, high level SEND, friend knows teachers says it's nice. I never heard of it, we can visit.
One prestigious part-boarding school who have offered us big discount so could also afford otherwise would never have thought of it. Long days there and Saturdays with compulsory sport afternoon. House system. DD says no way. I thought I wouldn't like it either but wanted to look, went yesterday, was wonderful and way more normal than expected. Teachers and Head great. DD wouldn't come and look.

DD is v academic, spends most her time studying, no sport, rare socialising outside school has one good friend, who's also in this situation and did visit and it's her top choice at the moment. DD had said she wanted to where friend goes but now saying no, wants the college or if can't have that then the small private.

To me the prestigious place offer is such an amazing opportunity, would never have had the chance if not for this bad situation. Lots of great experiences could happen she's so intelligent she would be with others like that and the teachers. Also got excellent pastoral. But she will not consider it, hates the idea of being out there (is not in a town so basically you're there 8-6 and can't go anywhere else), and the sport. However here she spends a lot of time alone, a lot of it online trying to get round the blocks I put in when I found her reading porn blogs and dodgy fanfic. She has also self harmed, and secretly overeats junk food she buys. Refuses to talk to anyone or see school, counsellor. I think being busy could help her live a healthier life and be a great experience for 2 years.

I can't make her choose this option. How did your DC choose their sixth form, how much did you influence their decision, or is it all up to them at this age? I let her choose originally, between staying where she was and college. The situation now is different though. And we have the uncertainty.

Many years ago my parents picked my VI Form.

I did not want to go.

I hated it.

Then I started to get ill, emergency admission to hospital type ill.

Then my periods went haywire and I started vomiting and flooding.

Then I tried researching the best way to kill myself, and the only reason I didn't was because I could not guarantee I would die without someone finding me.

My A Level grades were dire.

I have never forgiven my parents.

OK my case is extreme but if she is not happy then she is not going to thrive.

If you can't convince her to look round then you have no chance.

Poor kid, it's a lot to handle at this point of Y11. Personally I think a "keep 'em busy" hothouse for a child who already self harms sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. I went to one. Anorexia was rife and 2 of the 11 students in my house & year attempted to take their own lives. Students went on to be tremendously successful - including at least one who was hospitalised with anorexia - but it's easy for parents to be blinded by the privilege and not see the downsides that come from the pressure. "Busyness" or a boarding school's model of "excellent pastoral care" can be fine for a robust enough child but perhaps your daughter would be safer with a slower pace and more time to connect with you. Of course I have confirmation bias but my instinct is to keep her close and as low stressed as you can, and not push her towards somewhere she feels is very wrong for her.

It would be better if she'd consented to look around so she could make an informed judgement, but I think now you need to listen to her. And decatastrophise the choice - try one next year, and if it doesn't work out, try another. Everyone can take 2 runs at sixth form if they need it - they are 16-19 colleges for a reason.

Let your DC choose. They are the one having to spend their time there. I can see the "prestigious" school would not suit a lot of young people, no matter how prestigious it is.

Has the school not offered any support with finding alternative sixth form places? It's very late in the day to have decided that sixth form is closing (and I would hope would mean that there were additional places available elsewhere).

Do not assume your DC in Year 11 will be like your DC in sixth form. Both my DC changed and matured a lot.

Let your daughter choose. Chances are that places will become available at the large 6th form.

Thanks for all your thoughts.
We're getting used to living with the uncertainty, and have found a state school with a new sixth form that we're going to visit.
Also as PP says, we've also been told that there is a chance for the college.

I have to work on letting go, as ever.

Do you/she know what she wants to do beyond sixth form? The only thought that occurs from your options is that private students can be considered differently in uni offers i.e. some have a higher bar to clear due the contextual offers for state students. I think the latter is a good thing so not part of some conspiracy, but it’s a bit different when she’s been state all the way and only has to go private because of this situation. Only mentioning it as it could be another factor in favour of the local state sixth form college. If that finds a place for her then I’d favour that as she’s more keen to go there, and perhaps only have the private as back up. Maybe she’d be more open to that plan.

I didn't try to influence my children's choices at all, other than suggest we visit another place just to see.
The sixth form college may well have places later on as not everyone with a place will accept it as they will have applied to multiple places.
In my experience, the environment is really important as they are more likely to thrive if they want to be there, and having a familiar friend may be the most important thing for your daughter. Also, large sixth forms usually offer more subjects and are more likely to be able to accommodate your choices. If she is academic and the small private isn't academic, that might not work?
Good luck, I hope she finds something.

State sixth form colleges seem to be weirdly elastic in numbers. Round here it sounds like more uncertainty than there is in practice, for students who will easily meet any grade requirements. They all just sit on their conditional offers, then pitch up to the college of their choice after results and register there. Is it possible that this lack of special treatment is simply because it's not needed? She's not a latecomer, she can just get her conditional offer then register on results day like anyone else. College applications were a bit of a culture shock for us - so laissez faire after huge competition for school places. They just need to do their initial application before the deadline. I know it's not like this for everyone, but I hope getting the college place might be less fraught than you're anticipating. (ETA we are near 2 oversubscribed colleges, but kids in same county at nearby state schools have no trouble whatsoever.)

To add to antonania's excellent points - state sixth forms will want numbers, so it's possible that they will have places "somewhere" even if not on your DC's desired subjects - may be worth thinking in advance if she would be prepared to choose a different combination of subjects and if that would be more or less desirable than a different setting.

Let her decide. Not worth the potential consequences otherwise. She has to be happy.

We felt it was totally our DS's choice. We gave him our opinions and we looked around them all with him. I do think going to look is non negotiable so they know what they're refusing. Also the 'feel' of the place is important too. Luckily he chose a very good grammar school and he is doing extremely well and is happy so it worked out well.

I probably wouldn't pay for the small private if I'm honest - it sounds like it's carving out a niche as an option for less academic DC and those who need a lot of support due to SEN. She is likely to lack a peer group academically and might underperform.

Re. the better private, unfortunately it sounds as though it's not a good fit and sending there isn't going to transform her into someone who is suddenly has broad and varied interests. I would be surprised if Saturday pm sport is mandatory in VI form - my DC attend a similar school and by then team sports are largely opt in - for games lessons you can do stuff like golf or just go to the gym, and if you're not in a team you can leave Saturday lunchtime after lessons. That said, most students, if not "team sporty" (and many aren't) have other interests such as performing arts, music or other sports they do out of school, and VI formers are expected to be self- motivated. No-one is going to make her join things but it's likely to be socially restrictive if she doesn't get involved in anything. OOI, on what basis did they offer you the discount - predicted grades?

Honestly, I'd hang on for the state VI form and hope she gets that. My only concern there is that if very large, they tend to be very hands off, so if she does need pastoral support, it may be lacking.

Fanfic is a very normal and common interest for a more introverted teen, but what do you mean by reading porn blogs? I can understand why you’d want to stop her doing that, of course, but sending her to the prestigious school won’t remove her online interests. She’ll still do them. I would suggest you bribe her with something she genuinely values to go and look round, and just see if the environment appeals to her once she actually sees it… It may be that seeing it + the thought of her friend going might have a positive impact. She may not really have considered that it will be difficult not being at the same sixth form as her close friend and that they may grow apart. I’m not saying you should manipulate her or anything, just that maybe you could encourage her to do a full “pros and cons” list for each of the three options? That might also be a way to lead her to visit (in combination with a bribe, haha). I don’t know if she’s every watched Gilmore Girls, but if she has, you can present it as a “Rory Gilmore pros and cons list”.

Thanks everyone for commenting. DD agreed to visit the private and it’s gone from no way to maybe. That means we can forget the small private - as PP said, not academic enough or big enough for a mix of people.

Interesting to hear experiences of big sixth form colleges. We are feeling much better about waiting a while to find out about that.
And have this new free school sixth form to visit once term starts.

So there are at least 2 options maybe 3, and I am calmer and able to support her whatever she chooses, and am shutting up about how great xyz might be at any one place.

To the poster who asked how were we offered the discounted place - combination academic scholarship and bursary.