University life - kiddo sounds lonely at uni. Not sure how to advise.

[HoneyButterPopcorn]

He’s a bit shy and introverted. Has a few friends - never been one for big groups.

He is smart, funny and kind but not one to march into a room and get the party started.

He is working hard at uni and getting good marks. But when he opens up he does sound lonely. I just don’t know how to advise him. He is in a uni accommodation but the other students all seem to be quite quiet types (he says they are nice - one never leaves his room!) and they don’t seem to cross paths often.

I told him to join some clubs and societies and ‘meet people’, suggest class drinks, etc but I know it’s not easy!

he works on an ad hoc basis (odd days here and there bit not the type of job where he interacts with people).

I was the kid who hid in her room, so I just don’t know how to be comfortable with people.

what can I do/suggest?

I think your suggestion of joining some clubs and societies is a good one. There’s usually something for everyone and where he’s likely to meet like minded people. His ad hoc job may make turning up to things on a regular basis difficult but he should still go for it.

Is he seeing ppl in the kitchen? Could he suggest they eat together on occasion? Doesn’t have to be the whole flat or a big deal just one other person, is a good start. It’s likely his flatmates are a bit lonely too. What are his course mates like? Is he making small talk with them? Could he suggest studying alongside someone, going to the library together or just for a coffee between lectures?
If he does a few things it’ll slowly snowball. Some kids really do enjoy their own company though and find socialising quite exhausting.

Mine is the same, though more extreme. Home at weekends now but it’s a real worry.

its a worry / I just want him to have some fun and enjoy his time, not just work work work.

If its any consolation DS was like that last year, made a couple of friends but didn't really socialise and spent a lot of time in his room on his own. Not helped by most of the people on his course living at home and commuting in.

This year he signed up for a sports team and has really blossomed. They go for a drink after training and matches together and he's really come out of his shell. I'd definitely recommend him joining a society or two!

I might have a word with him to get him going!

He says that the dorms he is in has a reputation of being the ‘quiet’ one (lots of nerdy and international eager beaver students). But then if it was party central he’d never get any work done!

Which uni? There maybe some on here with children at the same uni who may be able to advise on places to go etc?

He’s in London.

@HoneyButterPopcorn Im assuming this is an “academic “ uni - not UAL. Lots of international students aren’t there for fun.

Definitely look into clubs and suggest a coffee after lectures to people on his course. What does he like? What’s he interested in? Hobbies? Often there’s some club to reflect hobbies.

Yes academic on a pretty academic course!

So where can he find people like him? You think he should have a bit of fun but other students possibly see uni as work. As they might be paying £40,000 pa it’s not surprising. So he needs to find people like him if he’s bothered.

A relative - same age as DS - recently took their life. A young adult who was always happy and smiling, had a real zest for life, very smart and talented, had plans - amazing life plans and had made appointments and had interviews in the diary. Living at home before embarking on their next adventure. One day despair took a grip. Making plans at breakfast, then gone. A family who were incredibly close, with lots of friends and a loving family. Completely out of the blue. No flags or signs.

We are all in shock and trying to come to terms with it. DS has known them since they were both babies and I know he was particularly hit hard.

I worry about the MH of youngsters to be honest. So yes, I am keen for him to find some soulmates at uni. I worry about him sitting in his room feeling lonely and mourning.

I am sorry to hear of your relative taking her life. I had a similar thing happen a few years ago and it made me utterly paranoid about my own children. Paranoid. It was similar in that there were no real signs so how on earth can you rest easy knowing it could just happen out of the blue?

I understand your worry completely. The only thing I have to say is that you really must just talk and then talk some more with him. It may be that he is perfectly content with the set up and you are projecting your own memories of loneliness at that age. Talking and really listening is so crucial here - and also remembering that you are his mum, so you do often get to hear warts and all, and can be sometimes just dumped with all the fleeting negative feelings, feelings that can ebb and flow quite naturally yet you are left with the negative ones only.

I also think explicitly talking about suicide is important after an event like this. I talked quite extensively to mine about what had happened. And essentially after a lot of talking we literally made a pact to say that whatever happens in whatever circumstance, you will never see that as an option - whatever has happened (and we went through every single horrific thing that could happen) we would somehow sort it out - there is never a need to do that. Everything can be sorted at some level.

Finally, I also think it is really important that you do not take over his choices here, he is a young man making his way in the world. Advice is fine, but mollycoddling will have the opposite effect - you want him to take charge of his own uni life, that is where growing confidence comes from (and the opposite is true if mum still does everything - confidence will decline)

Good luck.

We do chat (maybe twice an week) and a couple of times he has told his dad that he is just sitting in his room alone and a bit lonely.

I ‘low level’ advise him (‘any good clubs?’ ‘Are there tennis course nearby?’) and don’t want to meddle or drive the poor guy nuts!

We have spoken to him about the suicide. I have spoken to a few people and it’s amazing how common this is - and often completely out of the blue, no clues, no reasons, no note. It’s frightening how people can become self destructive whilst presenting as ‘ok’ to the world.

Could you suggest a board/ card games night in the flat, could just be low key with some crisps. Just a way to get people interacting a bit. My kids always take cards on residential trips etc when they are not going to know people, good way to break the ice.

I would also recommend clubs and societies.

They don’t have to be good ones, just ones he might find tolerable, because while films or table-tennis or dungeons and dragons may be the ostensible reason for their existence, the real reason is to meet people you might get on with.

Is there a student union bar? Being on the rota for bartending shifts is another way of meeting other students and a handy source of extra income.

I think being a student can be a much lonelier existence these days. When we used to visit our DD at her halls of residence a few years ago I was always struck by how dead they were by comparison with our ones in the 80s. No comings and goings, no lights, no music, no giggling and chattering in the background. Just no signs of life at all.

@CatChant This really does depend where you are and type of hall you choose. My DD1 found plenty going on and students integrating well, by and large. Other DD found too many international
dc didn't want to join it. So it very much depends on which uni and which hall. Gaming and social media have taken over the lives of some students so
they don’t value friendship within the student body in the same way.

@TizerorFizz Ironically, DD’s had the reputation of being a ‘party’ university (not why she chose it). I thought it was about as cheerful as the Marie Celeste on the admittedly few occasions we saw it!

I hope things work out for your DS @HoneyButterPopcorn . It is hard when you know they’re away from home, and feeling lonely.

Can your ds request his flatmates have a saturday evening meal togetjer? My nephew did this when he moved into halls and they all agreed on a fixed night for flat meals so they were socialising.

@CatChant Just not a party hall then! My DDs wanted a bit of fun but quite a few don’t these days it seems. Loans makes a difference I think.

I agree about meals. It really helps. Not necessarily Saturday though. DD and flatmates would go out on a Saturday. Away from halls in y2 in a flat for 6, they did one meal each a week. Bulk order for the week but everyone could cook. Sometimes in y1 someone is living off noodles!

My DC struggled at uni with a similar issue. Things got gradually better joining some uni activities/groups and then living in shared accommodation instead of just a room alone. I also went to visit and that helped, even though it was a long drive.

My DS is similar, and I am frequently having to tell my DH off for pushing DS to socialise more. DH had a bit of a stereotypical student life in the 80s - think The Young Ones - so is of the opinion that DS should be the same. But it's a different time and he is a different person and trying to make him do things that are not him just won't work.
So is your DS actually unhappy or is he more like my DS who I think epitomises a line from one of my favourite songs - "they'll call us lonely when we're really just alone". I know my DS has tried to join in with stuff that he doesn't really want to because he feels he should be behaving in a certain way, and probably to try to shut his Dad up, but it's not really worked out.
I think it is important to ascertain what your DS really wants. Joining clubs and societies can certainly be helpful, but if he's not looking for a big group of friends a more niche interest might work better than a big mainstream club. My DS has made a few friends through projects within his faculty rather than social clubs so that's another option to consider.
The other thing to bear in mind is that it is much easier to stay in touch with other friends now. Once I went to University I lost touch with my home friends almost instantly as of course in those days other than writing letters there wasn't really any way to keep in touch. There was one pay phone between about a hundred girls in my hall! But with electronic communication and mobile phones things are different. My DS is still in regular contact with his close group of schoolfriends. They video call, play multi player games on line several times a week and see each other in person in the holidays. Does your DS have friends from home he can contact? Even if they have gone to Universities at the other end of the country they might like to keep in touch. Obviously it's good to meet new people and try new things but old friends can still support each other from afar as well, so something like a weekly video chat or gaming session with some old friends might give your DS a boost.

So many students don’t seem to want new friends. Not being available for lots of evenings each weak means you send a message you are not interested. I find it odd but it’s increasingly the case that dc cannot branch out and don’t want to. They like the familiar and with technology they don’t need to bother reaching out to new friends because the old ones are still around. It’s a bit self limiting really.