College - bullying?

Anon184 · 2023-11-01T08:15:39+00:00

Sigh... Ds has started college doing A levels. A fresh start and all good until another student has been making remarks when she walks past him or in the canteen etc. The problem is the subject of these comments are upsetting. When she passes him, she says "going to see the kids?" and also called him a n*nce and a kiddie str*ker. Its really upsetting for ds as its the worse possible thing to be called . He's under camhs for ocd/anxiety, last year he was in such a bad place mentally he wanted to die but he had 6 months of therapy/medication and is in a good place. He feels like its said as banter, this girl is a friend of a new friend he's made and she sits in a group with them. He does speak to her and has a laugh sometimes but it's these comments that are upsetting. How should he deal with this? He told me I can't get involved as he's 16 now and at college. He's worried she's spreading rumours or worried that people think it's true. To me it's not acceptable, woukd a college take this seriously and I'm wondering not to tell Ds but contact the college, or will it just blow over.

BoardOfMuffins · 01/11/2023 08:20

@Anon184 Of course you can get involved, he is 16. Report it to the college immediately, and no it won't blow over because she is being given a green light to be nasty to someone. It will no doubt get worse if she isn't pulled up on it now. And yes college will take it seriously.

Original poster

Anon184 · 01/11/2023 08:22

BoardOfMuffins · 01/11/2023 08:20

@Anon184 Of course you can get involved, he is 16. Report it to the college immediately, and no it won't blow over because she is being given a green light to be nasty to someone. It will no doubt get worse if she isn't pulled up on it now. And yes college will take it seriously.

Thanks. He probably doesn't even know her name for me to report it, he said there's no way U can say something. I'm hoping they are skilled at dealing with things like this.
Honestly I'm so angry inside as he's come so far and now this.

OP posts:

Wonderfulz · 01/11/2023 08:28

Talk to pastoral care about the issue

Original poster

Anon184 · 01/11/2023 08:31

Wonderfulz · 01/11/2023 08:28

Talk to pastoral care about the issue

Thanks, I will.

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GotNewHair · 01/11/2023 08:32

He needs to know he can manage this socially. Does he struggle a bit with asserting himself? I think some kids are very good at seeing that and being twats. He can just fake being more confident.

He can practise with you:

’Jesus Fuck off with that shit. No one is laughing’ said deadpan and slightly irritated (not over emotionally) with him then remaining and carrying on with what he was doing.

‘You talking to me? Yeah that’s a bit too weird thanks.’

’Right. What’s your name again? Ok you’re the edgy one right?’

’Let’s work on conversational skills -Hi I am x and don’t fucking speak about me like that’

’Bet you say that to all the strangers you know nothing about don’t you?’

He can find the kind of thing he would be closest to wanting to say and can role play it with you. If he learns now it will help him so much. She may just be insecure and fancy him or the other friend he has made. Loads at that age have awful social skills

BoardOfMuffins · 01/11/2023 08:37

@Anon184 It doesn't matter if he doesn't know her name or you don't, you can tell them it is happening and they investigate. No doubt the college has photo ID so he can literally look through the photos to ID her.

On the college's website they will have a policy for bullying and hate speech. She is calling him a paedophile. It is disgusting. The college will no doubt also have a code of conduct too, also on their website. Have a quick read, I have just looked at my son's sixth form's and it says "Verbal e.g. name-calling, insulting remarks, racist or homophobic comments"

She is on thin ice anyway as this isn't school, there is no legal obligation to be in education so if she retaliates or doesn't stop they can kick her out.

Falzarega · 01/11/2023 08:37

What @GotNewHair said. Your son needs to get some insults / banter of his own. I’m already practicing this type of chat with my DS and he’s much younger than yours.

Original poster

Anon184 · 01/11/2023 08:47

GotNewHair · 01/11/2023 08:32

He needs to know he can manage this socially. Does he struggle a bit with asserting himself? I think some kids are very good at seeing that and being twats. He can just fake being more confident.

He can practise with you:

’Jesus Fuck off with that shit. No one is laughing’ said deadpan and slightly irritated (not over emotionally) with him then remaining and carrying on with what he was doing.

‘You talking to me? Yeah that’s a bit too weird thanks.’

’Right. What’s your name again? Ok you’re the edgy one right?’

’Let’s work on conversational skills -Hi I am x and don’t fucking speak about me like that’

’Bet you say that to all the strangers you know nothing about don’t you?’

He can find the kind of thing he would be closest to wanting to say and can role play it with you. If he learns now it will help him so much. She may just be insecure and fancy him or the other friend he has made. Loads at that age have awful social skills

Oh yeah, she will definitely see a weakness. He's kind and gentle and abit self conscious. However he's quite witty and could easily come back with some come backs but then woukd probably feel bad for what he says back!

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BastardtheCat · 01/11/2023 08:47

GotNewHair · 01/11/2023 08:32

He needs to know he can manage this socially. Does he struggle a bit with asserting himself? I think some kids are very good at seeing that and being twats. He can just fake being more confident.

He can practise with you:

’Jesus Fuck off with that shit. No one is laughing’ said deadpan and slightly irritated (not over emotionally) with him then remaining and carrying on with what he was doing.

‘You talking to me? Yeah that’s a bit too weird thanks.’

’Right. What’s your name again? Ok you’re the edgy one right?’

’Let’s work on conversational skills -Hi I am x and don’t fucking speak about me like that’

’Bet you say that to all the strangers you know nothing about don’t you?’

He can find the kind of thing he would be closest to wanting to say and can role play it with you. If he learns now it will help him so much. She may just be insecure and fancy him or the other friend he has made. Loads at that age have awful social skills

Really agree with this.
So many teenagers have absolutely awful social skills.

Practicing one or two phrases will empower him!

GotNewHair · 01/11/2023 16:25

He sounds lovely.

Nitgel · 01/11/2023 16:27

Does he get support from the learning support team? He could talk to them directly, it needs to be nipped now.

Original poster

Anon184 · 01/11/2023 16:32

I can't get my head around anyone calling another person this for no reason at all, totally shocked that 16 and 17 year olds are like this? It's a shame as apart from this he's settled well and met some really good people.

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titchy · 01/11/2023 16:35

Anon184 · 01/11/2023 16:32

I can't get my head around anyone calling another person this for no reason at all, totally shocked that 16 and 17 year olds are like this? It's a shame as apart from this he's settled well and met some really good people.

I'm surprised you're surprised tbh. They're teens. They say shit they don't mean. Watch an episode of the inbetweeners - that's what they're like. Immature arses.

He can either have a quiet word with her one on one, or retort back in front of everyone.

If he is ND or very shy you'll need to practice with him. Empower him.

99cats · 04/11/2023 12:03

The college need not let the girl know he’s reported it. Could have been overheard or reported by another pupil.
Unfortunately these sort of comments are fairly commonplace in schools. Throwaway comments about something so horrendous to us, is pretty low key to many teens.
If he has it in him, he needs to embarrass her. Tell her she must have ‘the topic’ on her mind a lot as she keeps bringing it up. Even just, god you’re so weird talking about that all the time.

Really feel for him, as OCD is just awful. Medication can help take the edge off.

Original poster

Anon184 · 04/11/2023 15:30

99cats · 04/11/2023 12:03

The college need not let the girl know he’s reported it. Could have been overheard or reported by another pupil.
Unfortunately these sort of comments are fairly commonplace in schools. Throwaway comments about something so horrendous to us, is pretty low key to many teens.
If he has it in him, he needs to embarrass her. Tell her she must have ‘the topic’ on her mind a lot as she keeps bringing it up. Even just, god you’re so weird talking about that all the time.

Really feel for him, as OCD is just awful. Medication can help take the edge off.

That's my plan to build him up with a come back line for her! And I was thinking something very similar to what you said. If it continues after that then I will contact college.
Ocd indeed is horrendous. He's been on Medication since he's been 14 :-( 😞

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99cats · 04/11/2023 16:19

You sound like a fantastic Mum and I really do understand how hard OCD and teenagers is.

Just to add, if he isn’t able to strike back be careful he doesn’t take the blame for the situation. At work, an adult would go to HR for support, so this is no different. If he wants to deal with it himself, he could always go to the pastoral department. Or, if it isn’t resolved soon, I wouldn’t hesitate to go in myself. Best of luck to you and your son.