How much input Yr12 ALevel study

[Imnoonesfool]

Just struggling a bit as I know I need to back off my DS 16. He’s loving college but not overly fussed on the work side of things. Tutors say very engaged in lessons, clearly understands content but it’s obvious he is doing no/limited in study sessions so his working at grades have been going down and down.

we’ve had lots of situations with me trying to get him to do some work which have resulted in rows. I know I can’t make him do the work and my trying to get him to do work has the complete opposite effect with him digging his heels in.

the general consensus is I need to back the hell off, not only for his own good as he’s got to learn his own life lessons (if that means not being allowed back for ur13), but also for the harmony of our home life.

so I would really like some advice. So for instance this hols he will just lay in bed, game with friends, go to his job and do no college work. do I just ignore that. I just keep find myself asking ‘are you going to do any work’ ‘what work are you going to do’

i struggle that he lays in bed/games and basically does nothing. I feel I should be parenting him into doing something so this whole backing off is messing with my head.

do I say anything at all or just say nothing in the hope eventually something will kick in and if it doesn’t then he will hopefully learn from it and we can help him with his next step.

I don't think you can force someone to work.
You can be there to offer support.
You can offer practical things like a place to study, any study materials he wants, a tutor if that would be helpful ...
But you can't actually make someone work.

In my son's case he had to "fail" before he got his act together.

Was he like this at GCSE? How did he do then?

It is really hard, but you do need to let yourself back off at this point. You've offered help, support, opportunities to resource studies etc I'm guessing? Made sure that he has space to do the work?

If you have, there is little more at this age that you can do. You can remove the gaming stuff etc, but that is far more difficult at this age when they will just walk out if they want to.

Have you discussed alternatives to A Level studies at this point? Do they still want to continue or would an apprenticeship be better? The fact that he goes to work suggests that he does have a work ethic, which is great!

DS is in sixth form at school so I don't really know how college works, but if his grades have gone down, are you able to chat with tutors- with your DS- to talk through what will happen if he fails the year, or if they just say that they are not allowing him to continue to Yr13?

I know a few students who were not allowed to move into the second year of their A Levels and had to find other things to do. In some cases it was the rude shock that they needed and they are studying new courses with a much better approach to their own learning.

It's time to back off. Failing year 12 won't be catastrophic as he'd be able to repeat if he decides he will work harder.
Making him study now is just creating a problem for the future. If he wanted university then you'd definitely have no control and it would be a waste of time if he didn't want to study.

DS1 is 17 and in year 12 and does minimal work. He is a bright boy, but does not like academic work at all.

I learned years ago that going on at him would just damage our relationship and so I leave him to it now.

I am supportive and will do what I can to help him achieve his goal to get to uni, but I have to let him get on with it for everyone's sake.

Hmm it’s so hard isn’t it? I had quite a lot of input with mine but for two different reasons.

with DD1 it was because she did the same subjects I had and we both enjoyed discussing them at home and so that helped me keep a handle on what she was up to. She is a very conscientious person anyway so I wasn’t pushing her, just taking an interest in what she was studying. Any chance you can take that approach of its subjects you’re comfortable with / want to know more about?

with DD2 I got more involved because she did her A levels in the pandemic and I just knew she’d drift otherwise. I’d ask her to come and do her homework in her office with me “to keep me company” and that way conversations ensued and I could keep an eye on her output. Again, any chance of trying that?

good luck op. It’s a very difficult road to navigate.

DS is now 19, DD is 16 (yr 11). I wouldn't tolerate this from either of them. His A-levels are his problem, however no one gets a free ride in this house and DC are expected to contribute to it's smooth running including for eg: keeping their rooms clear, hoovering (DS), cleaning the bathroom (DD) and doing the bins (DS). If these chores are not completed pocket money is stopped.

He has never had pocket money and he currently earns £7-900 a month in his part time job. Most of which he has saved so I don’t have that as a consequence. He doesn’t go out much, so no grounding etc I will remove his computer mouse regularly just to get stuff done.

i have two very amenable kids who are helpful, keep rooms tidy etc I haven’t parented this one any different but omg if he wanted to go off the rails I would have no chance. I’m lucky that the worst he does is not work very hard with hw etc or keeping his room clean.

Don't get me wrong he is also a great kid but he has always been very stubborn, defiant and extremely strong willed. I have to really pick my battles

He’s also very bright but extremely lazy and unmotivated. He has no idea of what he wants to do and isn’t particularly fussed at this point about going to Uni. If he did then at least he would have a reason to work or a goal to aim for.

I do think he’s just a bit too immature at the moment so I think he may have to revisit education later if Alevels don’t work out

Thank you. It’s what I need to hear:

I failed all of my GCSEs and regret it and sometimes I think I just focus on him not making the same mistakes as me as I know it makes the journey that bit harder

He was a really hard working student, really engaged with school, teachers never had a bad word to say about him (they still don’t) but Covid and home schooling really just sucked it out of him, as when he went back end of yr10 into yr11 he was just cruising and lack lustre.

he was predicted straight 8s, in his mocks achieved really good grades but announced he was done and wasn’t interested in working hard to get top grades as he didn’t need them for ALevels as long as he got 6s he was happy. So refused to do any revision other than at school. And managed to still pass his GCSEs 8s,7s, 6s and a 5 in further maths so I think he’s taken that mentality into ALevels

I genuinely don’t think he thinks he will fail his Alevels but his current grades are not great and he’s quite regularly getting E/U

he’s just started with a tutor to help him structure his answers better which he’s happy to do but it’s just no where near enough.

And to be clear, I am happy for him to anything. Alevels, BTecs Apprenticeships. Skilled labour. I just keep can’t bare the doing something and just not bothering, I think it’s because it just reminds me of me!!

I was going to ask if he had a part time job. If he's earning £700-£900 a month that doesn't sound lazy or unmotivated. He's evidently just not motivated by what he's studying. Does he know what he wants to do after sixth form? My DS found his part time job focused his mind quite well on what he wanted to do (not what he was doing in his job for longer than he had to).

There is really nothing you can do. There's no point trying to force him to do the work because all it will do is ruin your relationship. College is supposed to be a choice of course made by them because that's what they want to do or what will lead them to what they want to do. You have to just let him get on with it and make his own choices as hard as it is.

You might not be able to make him work but you can limit his gaming time. 2 hours a day is ample.

ha ha ha, that is so funny. Tell that to my DS1 and see how far you get. You just can't deal with a 17 yo who is essentially an adult like that

Agreed. And I can tell you how I know this because I’ve tried 😜.

Another "agreed". There is a limit to how many restrictions you can put on a child this age. Particularly as you really can't take away access to the internet/devices as they are genuinely needed to revise! And, if you have a DC that won't work, I can testify that they would rather lie on their bed and stare at the ceiling than do anything constructive.
At this age, they want it for themselves, or they accept the consequences.

I manage it. Homework done means time on internet afterwards.

So you have an amenable teenager who doesn't mind doing the work (or they're actually not doing the work and just telling you they are; or possibly just doing it to a poor standard). Lucky you.

You can't use internet as a carrot for teens - they will just use data on their phones, and if you take the phone away, they'll just buy another phone and use it secretly. Plus, unless you stand over them, how do you know your DC isn't actually "working" in their work time and not using the internet for other purposes?

Teen comes straight home, has a drink and a snack and does homework to a good standard. I was a secondary teacher for almost 25 years so I know his work is up to scratch. Then he wants a lift to his sports. He goes to sport every evening I collect him then he will relax on laptop or on phone chatting to friends or playing chess. We have brought him up to be responsible and do his homework first. Up to GCSE he had a tutor a couple of evenings and was very happy to have this help. He thinks kids who spend all their time on computer games and don't keep up with school work are losers. I have heard him and a friend discussing someone in their class who is now far behind with their work and they thought the teacher should not let this boy continue on the course next year as holding the class up.

My son might not be studying very hard, but I am confident he’s not ‘a looser’ He’s just lost his interest in studying.

I may not be succeeding in ‘making’ him study but I have bought him up not to be judgemental and look down on others.

Maybe the boy in his class who is so far behind doesn’t have parents that can afford tutors twice a week or maybe he, like my son, is struggling to stay motivated. We never know what’s going on in others life’s.

I'd potentially try the tactic of talking to him about if this is the right course for him and if he wants to start again on some other course in September? Because its looking like he will fail his a levels do why waste another year. Take it seriously and calmly like you were talking to an adult, with a what do we do here tone ? It might be the shock that he needs ? . It's got to come from them . If he was getting the grades I'd say leave him to it but he's not and you don't want to getting him getting grief at school and then at home, will push him more into gaming to escape

well aren't you and your DS delightful! You have no idea why another child may be struggling. You don't sound particularly compassionate for a teacher of 25 years. My DH has taught for 25 years in a secondary and I would be appalled if he came out with nonsense like this.

@Imnoonesfool your DS sounds very much like mine. Completely lost the will to work after covid and has bumped along since then. He did well enough in his GCSE's but nowhere near as well as he could.

He also was totally aimless and really didn't know what he wanted to do post A'Levels.

He then went to a skills fair and discovered a degree course in electronic music production and now for the first time in years he has a goal and tells me he is actually working.

I am not concerned about him being generally motivated as he is a free lance video editor, and has been since he was 14. He earns decent money doing this and is motivated as he enjoys it.

He sounds like my ds also year 12 @Imnoonesfool. Current predicted grades are C/C/D but he just says that’s because he didn’t revise for the last exams 😮He also has a part time job and works hard there and is never late (he’s regularly late to school). His employer said they’d take him on full time in a heart beat so I think he’ll be ok long term, but I also worry about the regret and closing doors. I was the same and I was disappointed. But you can’t expect people to learn from your mistakes.

I think it sounds like he needs an end goal in mind- if he had something to work towards, then he'd probably have some motivation.

Could you take him to some uni open days? Ask him to look at different courses and see if anything jumps out? Or else look at different options around apprenticeships and so on, and see if there is something there that appeals.

There are lots of options for him to come back to education as an adult- e.g. access courses etc. It's not always easy, but the door won't be completely closed.

What are his A-levels, and what are his grades currently?