Anyone letting them fail?

[BringItOnBruno]

DS is notoriously lazy and knows better than us about everything. His GCSE predictions weren't great but after a last minute panic he did some cramming and did well (7/8/9s).

He is in L6 and doing no work - initial predictions were 3 Cs. Mocks are next month - no revision is happening. He has started asking what will happen if he does better in the actual exams than the mocks - we've discussed clearing / year out but not been positive about it.

I feel it's time to get cross and put pressure on as if his predictions are low and he can't apply to the universities he's interested in, we are going to be supporting him for another year so he can apply with grades in hand, which isn't necessary if he does some work NOW.

DH says he's nearly an adult and needs to learn a lesson. If he fails now it might make him do enough work to actually do well next year. His plan is to wait for bad mock results, be furious / disappointed etc and let it all play out, pointing out we won't be supporting him if/when he's not in education.

Has anyone stepped back, zipped their lips and just let them fail? Did they actually change their mindset? I'm worried he's not going to get into uni at all and will be living here forever!

A levels are a bit different to GCSEs in that if you don’t get decent predictions (usually issued end Y12) then you can’t potentially apply to the unis you may want. So unlike GCSEs mocks etc do matter. Unless of course your DS is at a school that over predicts. ( in which case unis may or may not be wise to it anyway)

“Letting him fail” almost becomes irrelevant once they hit a certain age/maturity. The more we even ask DS what he’s revising, the more he digs his heels in and doesn’t, deliberately to spite us. He’s an adult, he’s 18. He fully understands the consequences if he doesn’t get the grades, so yes, it’s left to him.

Really you have to let go. I hear horror stories from uni lecturer friends of spoon fed young adults and it’s so sad. But there’s letting go and there’s letting go….for example we agreed with DS he wouldn’t go out during the week term time etc. He’s pretty sensible and sticks to it as he agreed to it.

At this age it's his work and his consequence.
With mine I had a frank discussion about options, (Uni, year out, work etc) and what they could or couldn't expect with each choice (i.e. if not studying must work and expect to pay their way including a rent contribution, if gap year would need to work and fund travel or socials as well as contribute to family home)
I have 4 , they have chosen different paths but all are fully functioning adults in their early 20's and late teens.
Ownership is the key for me...it's their study, their achievement (or not) and their consequence.

This is great and I'll store this up for future for me.

OP - I went a bit nuts in my first term of lower 6. I went to a SFC and for the first time had some freedom. I skipped loads of lessons, didn't really try etc.

Thankfully my college did a bit of a prediction thing before our AS exams. When my favourite subject predicted me a U I sat up massively!!!! I got BBC in the end and got to a RG uni (this was early 00s)

Hopefully the shock will kick him up the bum a bit

Does his sixth form have a cut off grade to progress to year 13? Some sixth forms won't allow students to progress to year 13 if they haven't got high enough grades and this may be something you should check yourself. Resitting year 12 isn't as straightforward as people think. There are funding issues involved as my friend's son found out when he bombed year 12.

Has he even looked at university courses and their grade requirements? 3 Cs is limiting his choices of courses, obviously if he pulled up his grades he would have more options open to him.

As a parent I would contact the sixth form to get their take on it all and facts about passing year 12. I can't lie, I would read the riot act because they are young and cannot see the bigger picture. Yes not everyone goes to university but what options are open to him if he doesn't choose this path?

Thanks for the responses. He's at a 'high achieving' sixth form college so I'm surprised he's getting away with this.

We've spelled out how pissed off we'll be if he doesn't put some effort in, we've had endless discussions about choices being limited, but nothing has made a difference. I don't know if it's self sabotage or laziness. His ideal course requires ABB (RG uni) and he doesn't seem to have realised that just isn't going to happen as things stand....

He's not allowed out during the week, we're not pushovers but other than standing over him and forcing him to work I don't know what to do, so am coming round to DH's way of thinking.....

There are local private sixth forms that allow a 1 year resit or transfers after year 12 but not for all of his subjects. Tbh the fact I'm even having to look at them is pissing me off - if he wasn't capable it would be different, but that's not the issue.

Here's hoping the penny drops soon.....

I told dd you either study to get your dream or you don't get your dream of university I showed her apprenticeship wages or told her she would be caring for her brothers for room and board

She is at university

Tbh I don’t think there’s a huge amount you can do. At this age you can’t physically make him revise if he’s not bothered. I’m with your dh, see how the mocks go and then hopefully he’ll realise for himself that he needs to work harder. If he doesn’t after that then uni probably isn’t the best option anyway because he’s unlikely to work there either and he’ll come out with huge debt and a mediocre degree.

I think the key to his deafness around this is that you told him how disappointed you would be - switch perspectives and lay out how it will affect him, not you - you are allowed to be disappointed but that is not a motivator for him

Do you have any one who could coach/mentor him for a few weeks ? Or someone at his school ? It might sink through if the message is delivered through a different channel, possibly less emotionally involved (we have had that opportunity in a similar situation and our home conversations had turned into stressful unpleasant battlefield

Thanks all - your input is really appreciated. In a startling turn of events he's asked me to pick up some flash cards for revision this afternoon. I'm trying not to get over-excited......

You sound like me. DS asked me to print off some past papers he found online the other day. I nearly crashed the car 😂

Does he actually want to go to university? If he isn't going to put the work I then there is no point. I would make it clear that when he leaves education he will be expected to pay his way.