Lonely teenager at university

[beatrix03]

Hi all, I'm asking a question for the first time.
My dd went to university and has come back after one term saying she lonely and cannot seem to make friends. She's not socially awkward or introverted, but she is quirky (likes us presidents, ww11 reenactment, skyrim, vintage, politics, sketching- so not too unusual) and says she can't seem to find common ground even though she tries. Any advice welcome, thanks.

Reassure her that she is lovcely and will find friends in time. Also reassure her that the people who jump into friendship groups early on often either regret it or are the kind who like to keep friendship on a fairly shallow level )nothing wrong with that, but I had to explain to DS that the people he didn't fit with had no interest in in-depth discussion with each other, any more than they did with him.

DS took until the summer of his first year to make good friends (although tbf, from January to May the uni was closed due to Covid. But he found his crowd and is so happy and close to them now.

Suggest to her that she joins historical socieites, a re-enactment group f there is one (doesn't need to be at uni - could be a local one in town. There's no rule that she has to hang out exclusively with other students. While DS was a bit lonely he hung out with people he met from other places.She could also join a charity. DSs lovely friends came through a volunteering job. She'll meet good-hearted souls there.

reassure her that the people who jump into friendship groups early on often either regret it or are the kind who like to keep friendship on a fairly shallow level

Agree with this. The introverts won't start coming out to make friends until this next term. They'll congregate at nerdy clubs, which are legion. Uni is full of socially awkward people, academia needs us.

Reassure her and get her to find the groups online in the holidays and lurk on their social media so she can suss out where she wants to go and find a friendly face albeit with limited eye contact to say hi to or go along with.

She needs to join clubs in or out of uni

Get her to join some clubs, there are clubs for all sorts of different interests at University.

She needs to try lots of clubs and societies- there are so many at Uni - Debating? Politics? And try clubs, volunteering etc outside the Uni ... I was a Cub Leader before I went to Uni and joined a new group when I got to Uni, lovely to mix with other people, not just students. Would she go to Church? My DS is at Uni and has found a local church, mixes with students who go there as well as other people and gets lots of Sunday lunch invites .

Thanks for your reassuring words. She has joined societies, but I feel she hasn't found the right ones yet. I did say larping, because they are definitely people who want to have fun. I think she finds some people "pretentious" but I explained it was their way of finding feet too. She says she tried to talk to people after class but they have nothing to say "no personalities or interests" she said. She's trying, just not there yet. I just don't want her to quit, but also cannot bear to think of her lonely

Thanks. I will tell her to lurk!

She has joined the church group, but still hasn't found her "tribe". She is a Catholic (recent convert) and has made friends with nuns. I said Nuns are fine friends! She is also in the cu. I don't know what to tell her except it will come. But she's looking into transferring to a place close to home so she can at least hang with school friends.

I told her the rugby club is usually pretty full on!

Nah, she can't bail and come home to school friends - they'll all be moving on.

I agree coming home to be with school friends doesn't sound like a good plan - presumably they will either be away at University themselves or have stayed home and are working, which leads to different lifestyles.

I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but this does sound quite judgemental I think she finds some people "pretentious" but I explained it was their way of finding feet too. She says she tried to talk to people after class but they have nothing to say "no personalities or interests" she said.
Now, I don't know if that is a direct quote, or just shorthand, but I am wondering if she is giving off an 'unfriendly vibe' and "measuring people up" to see if they are good enough to be her friends ?

Don't get me wrong, my own family can be quite blunt within the family and I know they would be a lot more tactful / diplomatic outside of our household, but might there be something in this ?

I do also think social media sometimes promotes this idea of having "BEST friends" and possibly people have unrealistic expectations of how long it can take to move from initial politeness to surface friendliness to being friends (as part of the activity) to then moving to a deeper or closer friendship.
There really is nothing wrong with 'getting along with' people when you've only known them a short while.

That's true, we all move on, but she wanted to stay here for uni, it just never happened. We are still exploring options, but it makes me so sad that she's sad, and that we've made our children so introverted with covid etc.

Yes, but, she might find that changing uni is very tricky at the moment. There is no guarantee they will be going back in January. Trying to meet new people online when they've had a term to make new friendships is a challenge, even the introverts will have been eyeing other people up and figuring out who they like the look of. The people from home will have moved into their new friendship groups, things change very quickly at that age.

"A mother can only ever be as happy as her least happy child" is a truism.

She'll find her feet, but, I'd be trying gentle support and encouragement to ride it out.

I'd love to have some friends who are nuns, bet they are fascinating company.

Hi OP - how is your DD doing now?