Thread 25 - Covid Cohort - Christmas Trees, No Omicron Please!

[OrangeCinnamonCocktail]

This is a thread for supporting all young people post GCSEs 2020, regardless of their educational setting. It is respectfully requested that all are supportive and helpful to each other. If you want to start a debate, e.g state vs private, please don't within this thread. Please also be sensitive when responding to posts about grades.

Some of us have been here since first thread back in yr10, some will be new. Everyone has been friendly and helpful in the past. Everyone is welcome. It is hoped this goodwill continues.

Our DS/DD may go down various paths (such as employment, apprenticeships, higher ed) We have decided, for anyone interested, they will most likely find us within the Further Ed board.

Orange Cinnamon (Head Monitor )
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Hope everyone had a great day yesterday!

Everyone happy with what Father Christmas left here (which is a first for DD, for whom nothing is ever enough).
I got lots of lovely things, including the book, “Four Thousand Weeks” about time and how to spend it; I’d asked for it and am really looking forward to reading it.
Today’s plans are a dog walk to the pub, buffet lunch, board games and some tv.

Happy Christmas everyone! We had a very busy day, taking in 3 different locations and quite a bit of driving! It was lovely but I have a headache now, so I’m taking it easy before going out for an evening of board games with family!

Happy Christmas everyone. We had a lovely, quiet day yesterday, just the four of us which I’d been a bit worried about as I thought the dc might find it too quiet but they didn’t, they had a brilliant day thankfully.

I’m sure I can’t be the only person here with a dysfunctional family, can I?
Feeling angry and upset today, due to mine. Too complicated to detail here, but I don’t have a relationship with 2 of my siblings. My brother made it quite clear to me a couple of years ago that he couldn’t be bothered and wasn’t interested in staying in touch. However, he lives around the corner from my mum (200 miles away from me), so I see my SiL and their boys when we visit.
This summer when we were staying up there, we (DH, DCs, my mum, SiL and their DCs) arranged to go out for afternoon tea. Without warning, my brother came too, but didn’t so much as acknowledge my presence - didn’t speak to me, look at me and walked ahead and got into his car without so much as a word when we left the restaurant.
We got a Christmas card from them (almost certainly written and sent by my SiL) and I sent them one.
Spoke to my mum today, who informed me that my brother had mentioned I hadn’t sent a card, and he was put out.
Firstly, I had, and secondly, if I hadn’t, it would be because he’s made it very clear he has no time for me or my family.

How do you deal with this kind of family politics?
He’s bullied me since I was a child, but the rest of my family tell me I’m over-sensitive and “it’s just the way he is”.
Even by telling me about the supposed Christmas card issue, my mum is effectively putting the blame on me, not him.

Sorry to hear that Piccolo. We have a dysfunctional element but as they have stated never doing Christmas with my parents they are quiet this time of year.

Christmas Day went well mainly because I took a unilateral decision to do Christmas dinner at tea time. (DH, DS and I all worked Christmas eve.) So no-one came until early afternoon meaning there wasn't the same pressure.

DS was delighted to receive his own laptop in readiness for leaving! DH got a new phone as his old one gave up the ghost a couple of weeks ago and I mainly received books which works for me.

Turns out DS got an offer from York last week (email is for olds). Hurrah! But that's 3 offers all wanting AAB...

Love Morph suits.

That does sound hard @Alsoplayspiccolo. We don't have it to the same extent but I do have a SIL who it appears goes out of her way to avoid seeing us and my parents, even though we have always (or so I thought) got on well. It does hurt.

@Alsoplayspiccolo DH didn't speak to his DF for years. But we lived opposite them on a farm. So as the in-laws got older they needed our help. FIL mellowed in the end. But when MIL passed away. There was a big fall out with DH's 2 sisters. They found out DH had more in the will. Tried to get FIL to change the will etc. etc. Anyway...DH will never speak to them again. They live in Australia so we won't see them. Quite sad really.

My boys don't really get on, I hope they don't go the same way. I have no siblings, so don't really understand why they can't all get on.

Thanks, Ewww and icanbe.
DH is an only child too and both his parents are dead, so he gets really angry about my family’s behaviour.
Money has also been a bone of contention, ican - I dread to think what the fall-out will be when my mum dies.
I’m just so sick of it all and worn down by the constant game playing and unpleasantness.

@Alsoplayspiccolo my in-laws wanted DH to have more because we looked after them for their last years. The sisters moved to Australia, one in the 70's the other the 80's. I think they felt closer to their Ds. But they really should have left a note explaining why they had done it. Instead we had several years of threats to take dh to court as he'd apparently forced them to write wills in his favour. It caused a lot of unnecessary stress and cost a lot in solicitor fees. The worst thing, MIL knew what they'd be like, so in the will she said if they contested it any fees were to come from their share. I thought it was very sad that siblings could hate each other so much. So if anyone writes a will leaving more to one child than the other...do explain why in the will.
I guess there are pros to being an only child.

Ah money and relatives. Just after my Dgrandmother had to move into sheltered housing she said 'I've bought that' about my uncle having acquired a yacht and moored it in the med. My dad and middle brother put it down to the fact she had suffered a couple of strokes and had good and bad days. Who would do that to their own mother? Guess what became clear after she died? It was pure greed from a man who is by a clear mile the wealthiest of the three brothers.

My dad, uncle and two step-siblings took the fraudster to court and on the day it was due to be heard he confessed. Nobody speaks to him.

Totally dysfunctional family here too, also. Weirdly though, Ithink the card thing is quite sweet. He obviously does care! Maybe it was lost in the post? My oldest friend lives abroad and asked if I got the handmade card she had sent. I hadn’t. He’s probably oblivious though, maybe sil didn’t mention the card coming, in case it winds him up.
I read somewhere this week, can’t think where, that a defining characteristic of bullies is self pity, and that rang so many bells for me. It isn’t just that they make your life a misery, they also play the bloody victim! My brother stayed with us every school holiday for years, and never invited us to his place, also abroad. He finally did, and we agreed dates, and bought tickets . He then withdrew the invitation on the basis that my Dh, who is incredibly sweet and kind, would mock his religion! Nothing could be further from the truth, but in a sense it freed us, I’d tolerated his narcissism and cruelty , but that was a step too far.
I know how much my family upset me so now, whenever there is a drama, I change the personnel and ask myself how I would then feel, or I run it past someone neutral and well balanced. It means my reactions are proportionate.In general, I just don’t bother!
Cor that’s long sorry.
We had a quiet Christmas, just 4of us, and loved it. But whole family due tomorrow so food all prepped etc, and nowcovid has reared its head and 4 can’t come. Never mind.

Sad to hear about difficult families at Christmas. I have been lucky with mine, but I have friends with very difficult parents. One of the ones I found most shocking was a good friend upset her parents when she started going out with her sister's ex boyfriend. They wouldn't speak to her for years, they even moved house and didn't tell her their new address, I can't begin to imagine doing that to my child. He was a bad boyfriend and she shouldn't have gone out with him as he did her no good, but still an incomprehensible reaction!

Sorry to hear about dysfunctional families. Mine is ok if you take my brother out of the equation. What happened when my Mum was ill doesn’t really sound believable and more like a badly written soap opera. He’s sniffing around my Dad for money at the moment having not seen him for 15 years.

Piccolo I really sympathise. I have failed to deal well with mine so not the best person to advise. There was always the narrative that we had to support my Brother whatever he did when my Mum was alive. She adored him and put him on a pedestal. I found reading around a bit about the scapegoat and the golden child helped. I was also told I was over sensitive . My Brother is a bully, my Mum said I deserved it as I wasn’t nice to him when I was little. I can see that as an adult for the complete bollocks it is. Thankfully my 2 DC get on and I have good friends , a lovely DH and a good relationship with my Dad so I figure I am the winner and he is a sad, deeply flawed bully of am individual what struggles to have meaningful relationships . I had a few sessions of counselling which helped. I feel for you, it’s difficult to say the least and hard at this time of year💐

I sympathise too alsoplayspicollo. This year has thankfully been lovely with all interactions with various parts of family over the last week but not every Christmas has been like that at all. A few years ago I had such an awful Christmas Day that we went abroad for Christmas the next year as I refused to do it again.

Strange how we are all meant to suddenly get on with people with whom we may have little interaction during the year by choice.

Thankfully this year has been lovely though.

Awful to read the lengths some family members will go to, but also comforting to know I’m not alone in my experiences, so thank you for sharing.

Zebra, I don’t think he cares at all, at least not in that way - it’s his way of trying to control me, which is exactly what bullies do. He thinks I didn’t send a card, which equates to stepping out of the game he’s chosen to play.

I am one of 4 siblings; my eldest sister died 3 years ago, my brother is 7 years older than me, and I have a twin sister.
My brother blames my twin and me for spoiling his life when we were born - he says that he and my our older sister and parents had a happy family life until we appeared.
My parents did a good job of playing us off against each other - definitely creating scape goats and golden child roles - and my mum still does it now, at the age of 87 (hence her need to tell me that my brother had commented about the missing Christmas card).
She is reliant on my brother, physically, so she can’t challenge his behaviour, hence he is able to control her in that way.

I’m the outlier, in that sense - I refuse to engage in any kind of game playing or drama, which seems to fan the flames even more.

I think you are sensible Piccolo. I hadn’t appreciated that my Mother played me off against my Brother until the manager of the nursing home asked if I was aware - they had heard her on the phone to both of us. She said it’s very common and people don’t realise as don’t think their parents will do that to them. I engage with mine as little as possible as he only does when he wants something.

Sorry to hear of the toxic families @Alsoplayspiccolo @icanbewhatiwant @Volterra.

Dh’s parents are difficult (narcissistIc mum) and he has a couple of toxic siblings too, but we’ve seen less and less of the siblings over the years. We tend to just see his two sisters who he gets on with and their families. But we’re dreading his parents passing as there will be huge issues with the will no doubt.

@Alsoplayspiccolo. In that case, I might want to have some fun with that, describe the card in minute detail and say you had also enclosed a voucher for a weekend away, in appreciation of all he does for your Mum! Then watch him squirm with frustration. He will know you’re lying, but your Mum won’t.Ive never been able to tell a convincing lie in my life, but that’s how my dead sibling maintained their golden child status in the teeth of addiction, removed children and prison, and I always wished I could tell really big whoppers!

@Alsoplayspiccolo Ds2 says to me often about d3 "why did you have him?" and "we were a great family until he came along" to be fair ds3 is extremely hard work. I would love my boys to like each other. But I think they will fall out completely as adults and not see each other.
Dh has a Ds and dd from a previous marriage, they get on really well. Not sure if that's because they are male and female. But as far as money goes...DH's dd has already asked what is in DH's will. She thinks it's not done fairly already. It's difficult though when dh has 3 younger dc's and 2 independent adult dc's from his first marriage. So they will probably fall out with us one day too.

Too late for that, Zebra - I’ve already told my mum that I sent the card and he has no right to have an issue, even if I hadn’t, given his previous behaviour.

icanbe, I can understand siblings being upset when new siblings come along, but as you say, the grudge should be with the parents. Besides, my mum told me and my sister as soon as she could that we were “an accident”.

As for wills, my mum has made my brother executor and told me with glee that she doesn’t care what happens, regarding falling out, because she won’t be here to see it.
After my sister died, my mum talked about changing her will so that my nieces and nephew didn’t get their mum’s share, and then told me that she wouldn’t change it but would leave it to me, my twin sister and my brother to decide whether they got any of it.
Horrible behaviour, but then again, this is the woman who requested my BiL bring certain items, that she’d given to my sister, to my sister’s funeral, because she wanted them back, now my sister was no longer alive.

@Alsoplayspiccolo. Crikey, your Mum and brother sound like they deserve each other. I’m sorry. I made sure I married into a really kind , stable family. So glad I did. My mum told my sisters children , aged 5 to 14, that it was their fault their mother had died. It is amazing what we can come to accept or excuse. I wouldn't now.

@Alsoplayspiccolo I think your sisters children automatically inherit their dm's share don't they? It won't be up to you to decide, unless she writes them out. Complicated things...wills. MIL wrote in her "little book" items she wanted family members to have. Dh was an executor so honoured the items in the book. But MIL had left her premium bonds and shares to DH's 5 dc's also written in her book. But the solicitor said no as it wasn't actually in the Will. So DH's sisters had it all. DH's older 2 dc's were quite upset about it as MiL promised them it. It didn't matter so much about our 3 as they were younger. Though of course would have been nice. A lesson learned for us...write will's out properly.

Sorry to hear about the dysfunctional families. Wehn my DM passed away a few years ago the fall out from being executor of her will was horrendous. My DM split everything evenly but clearly that wasn't enough for a couple of my siblings who accused me and my sister of basically being thieves and did absolutely nothing to help with anything. As we were previously a close family this was heartbreaking and I was genuinely shocked they would believe that we would do anything of the sort, everything was clear and open with all siblings. I no longer speak to them and actually, while in theory it's sad, I really feel better not having people in my life that think so little of me. So, my Christmas is spent with the people I care about and who care about me and my family and it was lovely.

@JustHereWithMyPopcorn I expect family fallouts over wills is probably quite common. DH was an executor and his sisters demanded he stood down. But the solicitor said not to, as there were 2 executors who had to sign everything, the other being the family accountant. Plus the solicitor was overseeing everything too. So it wasn't DH alone. They said they had proof as to why he shouldn't be executor and they would provide it to a court. This went on for 18 months, no proof was ever given, it didn't get to court either. Yes...DH is glad he doesn't have to see his sister too. He tell people Australia isn't far enough away.