School-parent meetings are stressing me out: DS under-performing at college

[ragged]

6th form keeps asking us to parent-staff conferences about DS not engaging well at college.

I knew this was problem by 3 days into start of year. They aren't telling me anything new. I have never found magic words to make DS more enthused.

I feel very stressed by these meetings: like the staff expect us parents to "do something" to transform DS into a different person. They keep saying things like "We'll have to have another meeting if things don't improve!" but then struggle to tell us something specific DS is supposed to have done that would be "improvement." Planning his university application seems to be one possible "improvement" -- which is absurd, DS won't go to Uni. I accept that DS simply won't be ready to think about 'after A-levels' until he's finished yr13.

I have the impression that MNers will want to reply to this thread with a very long list of "things we could try" to make DS study hard. Rather than bogged down in that, could I just ask for advice instead how do you cope emotionally with school pressuring like this ?

fwiw, DH seems the meetings as helpful & supportive, so it's just me that feels like I'm supposed to "do something" or maybe we are all supposed to have some kind of joint lament about DS probably going to get poor A-levels. I am not lamenting. I have made peace with whatever might be DS's results. Actually so has DH. It's only the school that seems to want to keep sounding "alarm!" at us.

Dunno if anyone can relate.

ps: Is a state 6thform, not what I think would be normally described as "selective"

Have you asked them what they are trying to achieve with these meetings? What is it they want you to know about or do etc

Either you will see a point, or you can decline the next one. He’s practically an adult, and you’ve tried.

I feel like I asked that but I guess not explicitly enough. Good point.

The reason for the meetings is that they will have on target grades (OTG) for your ds based on his GCSEs. If he's not going to achieve those grades, there is pressure on the teachers so they turn that back on the parents by nagging you every so often. I had it because ds was underperforming in one of his subjects. If they keep nagging you and ds, they can say they did all they could.

I am assuming he is in year 12, if he doesn't attain certain grades at the end of this year he cannot continue into year 13. He cannot resit the year as there are funding issues to consider. He could restart year 12 but with different subjects or do the same subjects but at a different sixth form. It is down to the sixth form, students only get a maximum of 3 years of funding for a student plus why would they let him continue into year 13 when he has a lacklustre attitude to his studies?

They are trying to get you to engage in a conversation with your child to ensure they have completed the work set for them and ensure that you and your child understand the importance of engaging in sixth form. Plus if he fails out, what then? What will he do next? He is meant to be in education or training etc until he is 18. He cannot work full time, companies can be prosecuted for it, he can work alongside training but they have to complete a certain number of hours of education/training.

UCAS applications for university are overseen by the sixth form and they check all the form from GCSE grades to personal statements. They try to ensure that students have chosen the right course and make sure they have considered their options. They also do the same for jobs and apprenticeships. They are there to support students.

They are trying to get your son to think about the future, what his potential grades will mean as there is a cut off for university. I think the low end of grades are CCC so if he is predicted lower than that then university may not be the answer but what is next for him? They want you to engage, talk to him, ask him what his plans are.

I think there comes a time when you have to let go emotionally.
Say to the college that you totally agree with them but your DS won't cooperate.
Get clear understanding what their 'next steps' are (e.g. refusing to allow progression to y13).
Be clear to your DS what consequences are e.g. will gave to restart on different courses / find a job. Be clear that non-activity means withdrawal of whatever (financial support, 24hr wifi, driving lessons).
And then keep telling DS it is his choice.

Is it a school or a college?

Is this a new thing for your ds eg was he engaged and motivated for his GCSE's but now he isn't in which case what has changed (the big obvious one being lockdown, online learning does not suit everyone and its taken a big toll on my normally highly motivated dd for example. ).

Did he start A levels because it's the done thing/he didn't really know what else he wanted to do or is he studying subjects that he really loves.

Is this school/college really the right place for him? Is he aware that he may not be able to continue next year. Ds has a friend who was very unhappy at college. He started again at a different college last September studying a subject he loves and has been a different person.

How does he see his future if he's determined he won't go to Uni? Not to be rude, but you do sound remarkably sanguine about the fact that he'll emerge with very poor results and no plan going forward.
Maybe he's picking up on your attitude that it doesn't really matter.

Yes I agree with others; are you and DS aware that he may not be allowed to continue at college if he doesn't get the grades they require?

What is he predicted at the moment? I am not going to suggest ways to make him study hard; A-levels are not for everyone, perhaps they are not right for your son.

Or is he on track for (for example) CCD and not wanting to go to uni? That's fine of course. I have a friend whose DD didn't want to apply to uni, and she had to deal with a lot of pressure from the school over that (bright girl but she had had some difficulties). I think she just kept stating her case, no she will not do a UCAs form, she has a part-time job which will become full time.

If he will fail this year, then you need to have a think. If he will still be allowed to stay on, they I would be thinking about what he might do afterwards. But plenty of students don't really know at 17yo.

Christ he’s your child, you shouldn’t be looking to “make peace” with him essentially dropping out of education, never being able to have a career, never being able to live a decent life. His teachers are concerned from a professional perspective but no doubt also personally, to see a kid throw his life away. Time for some serious intervention, I don’t think anyone should ever want to make peace with that.

Pretty sure my parents would have stripped any room down to a bare bed, cut anything enjoyable from my life and banned all socialising if I wasn’t at least doing decent seriously though, you’re not his friend, it’s literally your job to ensure he’s set up for life

I think the answer to your question really just is: you can’t disengage emotionally. This is your child, if you give up caring about how his life will be, then you can’t expect him to care either.

Is this new, I used to teach at 6th form college and we never had parents evening.
In fact parents weren't involved at all unless the student gave permission.
Tell them he's a grown up and not under your control anymore, what do they expect?

@gillysSong It's not new. I taught in a sixth form college nearly 20 years ago and had parents' evenings.

Mine didn’t think about life after A-levels until after she had done them. She picked the least academic subjects she could find. She did not apply to university. We did not put any pressure on her. She wasn’t particularly academic and she was not expected to do particularly well but ended up with two As and a B. She left school and then worked in retail and went travelling and then applied to university on the closing date of the following year, unbeknownst to us. Then got a first at an RG uni in an academic subject. I would absolutely leave it to them. Even those I know who did drop out of school A levels ended up doing a BTEC at the local college instead and still ended up at a top university later

[quote Cornishmumofone]@gillysSong It's not new. I taught in a sixth form college nearly 20 years ago and had parents' evenings.[/quote]
Blimey, must depend on the area.
Schools with 6th forms attached have parents evenings round here, but definitely not the local college, as students are considered adults.

how do you cope emotionally with school pressuring like this ?

OP, you do come across on here as being slightly detached (it may just be resignation though!) so perhaps the school feel that too? But the fact that you feel the school is pressuring you is a sign that it does matter to you.

If the same points keep coming up you may have to come up with a response for that. Like the University application - 'DS will consider his next steps once he has his A level results'. Or if you think he really won't go, you can tell them that now. Presumably he chose A levels because he is interested in them, or did he want to do something else originally?

It is right that the school/college are flagging up at an early stage that he's not on the path to victory here. They are giving him a chance to turn it around if he wants to. Is it going to affect any funding he may get in the future, if he wants to retake any A levels?

Does ds go with you to these meetings? If not, he should.

I think you should say to the school you cannot help any further if that's how you really feel.

Tbh I'd be putting all kinds of sanctions in place even though that doesn't come naturally to me either, it won't be any fun for him to have no choices in life.

Well, I guess you could just be honest with the school, tell them that you've pretty much checked out, that you're resigned to ds doing badly, and that you can't attend any more meetings because you find them too stressful?

You won't get parent of the year award, for sure, but they can't actually make you engage any more than you can make your ds engage. It wouldn't be my approach but you've decided to disengage and you have "made peace" with this decision, so you might as well own it and let the school know that you're leaving it to them.