Talk me out of being That Parent

[vivariumvivariumsvivaria]

DD has been diagnosed with GAD, OCD and autism. She's got a place at uni for 2021.

We have a year to get her some skills at managing her urges and anxiety, this has all been a bit of a shock to me as I didn't realise how difficult things were for her. She's, it turns out, a great masker.

I know that uni has good student support - but, will they expect DD to contact them about her diagnoses, or can I do it?

I don't want to be That Parent, but she's young and will need support.

She may already had put it on her UCAS form? Or did she complete that before her diagnosis?

Before diagnosis. She's got her results and accepted the deferred place last week, saw psych today.

Ah right - you should let admissions know then. If you don't want to get overly involved, which is understandable, then can a tutor from her school/college help? It'd probably just be an email to admissions to let them know circumstances have changed.

I think she should contact the student advice services and tell them. They will have a variety of types of support but she will need to formally let them know of her issues and needs so that she can access them.

What would your daughter like you to do? If she is happy to make contact with the university on her behalf, explain that in the email and it'll be fine; similarly you could maybe draft one together and send it from her account if she is happy with that? It's definitely worth speaking with them though as there is plenty of support available, and if it's a deferred place for next year they can possibly offer some communication in the meantime as well to try and make it less daunting. I lived in halls with someone who recieved a fair bit of additional support, she did struggle at times but graduated with a first and seemed to find the support on offer really helpful. I also volunteered for the mentor scheme and used to go to lectures and help take notes for someone in a similar position, and helped them find where rooms were etc if needed and at their request.

Ok no point doing anything now. Disability support / student support will be busy dealing with the new intake. Leave till Feb half term or even Easter.

Thanks all.

There isn't urgency, she's got a year to find her feet and for us to pick through what is helpful and what is not.

This is reassuring, she is going to need a wee eye kept on her. University is set up for students who need that, who are capable, but, who don't have an easy hand dealt to them.

I, realistically, want to be the one emailing uni, I want to meet them and manage this.

Shit.

Letting go. And get used to the new-normal.

Ouch.

Does some of her anxiety perhaps stem from you? It really wouldn’t be usual for you to go in and meet with the DASS. And, she’s not going to uni for a whole year. Do you perhaps get anxious about things too?

Can you support her in contacting them? So help her draft an email for example, but get her to send it?

I'm new to being a parent of a student, Tippexy, I'm not sure what normal is. And, a year is not long to get her sorted so she'll cope, she's moving 8 hours away.

I am a bit anxious about that - but, within reasonable limits. She's diagnosed with mental health problems, do't think it's me!

That's what I'll do - I'll email them with her. She needs to be taking charge of it all. Thanks

You shouldn’t be doing anything yet as they’re focused on new intake. Work on life and study skills with DD - if her diagnosis is new, find out as much as you can. From about November, contact student support at the uni to find out what’s available. Then when student finance opens in February, you’ll also apply for DSA. As part of this she’ll have an assessment to find out what support she needs. So the best thing you can do is work out in the next six months or so, what that support might look like.

I'm sure someone will be along soon with better experience, but as the parent of a younger child with OCD originally I did all comms bit now I try to encourage her to email school / teachers about her concerns or when she needs help, but with support. We're at the stage now where she drafts something and usually asks for me to check it. She was even emailing a website this week to raise a complaint, which would have been unthinkable 6 months ago.

I also get side emails from pastoral where they check their proposed approach with me, which you may get less of, but it's probably a good idea for the student services version to have your details, just in case?

Good luck - 8 hours is a long way away, I can understand your concerns. If you've been used to having to help with every little thing.... But a year is a long time and if you now have a diagnosis etc you have some time to prepare her.

@Tippexy

Does some of her anxiety perhaps stem from you? It really wouldn’t be usual for you to go in and meet with the DASS. And, she’s not going to uni for a whole year. Do you perhaps get anxious about things too?

Anxiety is a very common co morbid with ASD and it’s understandable that op has concerns about reasonable adjustments for university.

That's encouraging, motherof.

She's been amazing at masking - I had no idea about how difficult life has been for her. She's organised and reliable, got great exam results, applied for her course independently, got herself a job for the year independently - she's mature enough to manage living away now. Or, so I thought.

It was quite a shock to hear about suicidal ideation and hearing voices. I knew about the self harm, but, not the extent of it. And, I like to plan for the worst-scene-scenario and work backwards - cover what will happen if she gets to uni and has a crisis and then anything else is a bonus. Her younger brother was chronically ill for years, that system worked well for me at that time!

The uni does seem to have good pastoral support for students. It's conflicting for me, she needs to go and be independent, but she's been in such a pickle right under my nose. If she can hide it from me then she'll be able to hide it at uni. I'm feeling like I have won the Shit Mum Award for being so unaware.

We've got a year to get her managing her anxiety. Psychiatrist is lovely, she's quite sure that the medication will help the voices and intrusive thoughts. Poor kid, it's just such a horrible condition to live with.

Thanks, Pasta - I was thinking we'd take a couple of months to get her treatment established and then we'd know what sort of support will be helpful.

It's a shock, really, she's mature and independent - I'm having to completely revise how I thought my daughter was.

Thanks, Redhair, and also, "quite".

You can't do it -the University won't engage with you because of GDPR. They will only deal with the named person (i.e. the student/offer-holder) and no-one else unless they have a letter in which the student/offer-holder gives explicit permission.

I'm an academic. Every year I have students' parents getting in touch with me about one thing or another. I'm not allowed to even confirm that their child is a student with us.

The uni I work at has specialist support in place for students with autism, so it may be worth seeing what the uni your daughter is going to offers.

No advice @vivariumvivariumsvivaria, except, breathe... you have a year before she goes.

Have you watched Atypical, Netflix? It’s very a watchable family drama which happens to be about a teenager with autism (rather than the sole focus) it’s very good on the relationships between all the family members (your DD will def identify with the main character’s sister for eg.)

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria wanted to say hello and let you know about my experience as it may be of help.

My DS2 has Asperger DX when 5 but has reduced the level of support needed at school so by the time he moved for 6th form he had no support and did not inform school of his DX.
We thought he was coping very well, he was accept at uni and started last September.
Prior to going he has a DSA (disabled student assessment) and was given a computer and other equipment and access to a mentor which he had to arrange himself.
He had an initial meeting with student services once he arrived at uni and all seemed fine.
Everything went well in first term, he liked his course, likes his flatmates (in halls) and made a group of friends on his course.
He’s not a great socialiser so didn’t go out much and he doesn’t drink but he seemed happy, only issue was struggling to do some domestic things, not getting to the launderette and not eating very well.
However unknown to us things very quickly went downhill in term 2, he had a group project that didn’t go well and he started to miss some lectures, then he developed sleep problems and became depressed and eventually due to build up of missing work he stopped going to lectures or handing in work altogether.
We were totally unaware, my helicopter parent (who had been put away in a cupboard a long time ago) sensed that something wasn’t right but for my own convienence (I was out of the uk at the time) I didn’t directly address it.
I brought DS back from uni just before lockdown and it was another 3 weeks before he opened up.
We are now in the process of getting him back on track, treating his MH issues and doing late submissions of work so he can hopefully pass the year.
What I’ve learnt.... you can as a parent get access to the student support system, as long as your DC gives written permission. We (DS & I) have had several video call with student services and they have been very helpful and supportive.
We now have extra support in place for next term with both student support, his tutor and his mentor (who he never contacted last year).
I wish I had pushed harder and put more in place for him last year before he started, then he may not have ended up in this situation.
He has a communication disorder and masked his fear and anxiety until it all became too much and just sank into depression, I was so proud of him getting into uni and leading the life I’d hoped for him that I just hoped it would all be ok, but realistically he’s too young and inexperienced to deal with everything without some extra support in place.
It can be the little things that push one over the edge and for my DS it was a gradual build up of small things that he just couldn’t cope with. His psychologist thinks he’s probably been suffering from low level depression for a much longer time but all the changes of going to uni, and not knowing how to cope with things, just tipped him over the edge.
So I would say ‘be that patent’ make sure you have as much in place from the start, if it all goes well and the extra support isn’t needed, great... better that then having my experience, it’s all been (and still currently is) rather stressful.

At the University where I work, there is great support available and it's helpful if the condition is disclosed in advance, so that appropriate support can be put in place prior to arrival. I think DSA is available, plus a mentor (if required) and a personalised Disability Action Plan. We also hold pre-arrival sessions, where students with certain conditions are invited a little earlier than the official Freshers' Week to help them to settle in and familiarise themselves with campus and support available. If your DD gives you written consent, you should be able to liaise with Student Services directly, if required. Good luck, OP! X