Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Further education

You'll find discussions about A Levels and universities on our Further Education forum.

Flip

Original poster

DD struggling with real lack of motivation

21 replies

YanTanTethera01 · 28/03/2019 11:14

DD currently in 6th form. She has offers for some top unis but her motivation to study is in a downward spiral. Doing GCSEs was a breeze and she did very little work but still managed to come out with As and Bs and I think she believes passing her A'levels will be the same.

I'm at a loss as to how to build her up and help her get re-motivated. This attitude has spilled over into her filthy bedroom (which I cleaned and tidied in the hope she could focus more if her environment wasn't absolutely disgusting), her car hasn't been washed or cleaned in 4 months, she doesn't care about her appearance. It's really hard to watch her throw everything away. She's always been lazy but this taking things to another level.

I am trying to be supportive and I did say to her that if she really doesn't have the desire to go to uni anymore then that's ok but she needs to start looking at a potential alternative. She doesn't want to do that either.

All she seems to want is have a lot of money and buy expensive things which is fine but with no forethought as to how she'll achieve that. It seems if she has to work for something, she'd rather not have it which goes completely against how she's been in the past.

I'm pulling my hair out but holding back because I don't want to put any pressure on her but sitting upstairs, listening to her watching daytime TV downstairs instead of studying is driving me crazy.

Any tips from parents who have been in the same situation?

OP posts:

LIZS · 28/03/2019 11:20

Who pays for car, phone etc? If she does n't want to do her schoolwork maybe she could do her own housework or get a job instead?

Original poster

YanTanTethera01 · 28/03/2019 12:03

She pays the running costs of her car, her phone and Netflix subscription out of her part-time job salary of £242 a month. She saves out of that as she wants to go to festivals over the summer which she is paying for herself. She has been offered a summer job working for an event company all over the country and I'm encouraging her to do that just so she can get out and meet more people.

The problem isn't that she doesn't pay her way but that she's throwing away opportunities to give herself a good future. Her dad doesn't give a shit and doesn't even acknowledge her on birthdays/Xmas so it's just the two of us.

Every time I tentatively bring up the subject, she tells me that by discussing it, I make it worse so I keep my mouth shut (as much as I can bear to).

OP posts:

LIZS · 28/03/2019 12:07

Why is she at home now though? Tbh if she is like this with you on her case she will be ten times worse at uni with noone to chase her.

TapasForTwo · 28/03/2019 12:11

She is at 6th form. Why wouldn't she be living at home?

Original poster

YanTanTethera01 · 28/03/2019 12:13

She's at home as she goes in for her first lesson then stays the rest of the day. Her only lesson today is the last one.

OP posts:

LIZS · 28/03/2019 12:31

Tapas, I meant she is at home on a schoolday. Maybe if she went on for start of school , regardless of when her timetabled lessons start, she might be more inclined to study or find a teacher to go over any issues.

Original poster

YanTanTethera01 · 28/03/2019 12:38

Yep LIZS. That's one of my suggestions to her too. You can guess where that went.

OP posts:

TapasForTwo · 28/03/2019 15:00

Oh, I see. Sorry, I misunderstood. We are rural and there was only one school bus at each end of the school day so DD went to 6th form for entire days.

Ferrovairio · 28/03/2019 15:08

Money is not a very fulfilling focus in life. I mean, once you’ve got some, the next thing is to get more.

If that’s her only ambition, I would be having chats about other ways of fulfilling yourself.

Does she have any hobbies? Creativity? What is her job? If it’s just the 2 of you, would it be possible to do some volunteering together to get some experience of helping others not just for the money?

It’s great she is holding down a job, but like you say, if she doesn’t knuckle down now, her a levels results might limit her opportunities later.

Kids can behave very irrationally at this age, and then can start developing focus when they are 20 or 21 (I used to work with teens and the difference when they came back to visit 2-3 years later was mind boggling)

Good luck!

DrCristinaYang · 28/03/2019 15:12

Does she appear to have low mood/be withdrawn? Low motivation and lack of interest in appearance can be caused by depression, these were certainly some symptoms I experienced when I was bad.

junebirthdaygirl · 28/03/2019 15:13

Just step right back. Anything you say is not going to motivate her. If she says anything just say I'm sure you have it all under control, passing responsibility back to her. Someone has to do the worrying so while it's you that's her off the hook.
Believe me this is your best motivation move. Go on with your own life.
Sing around the house. Bite your tongue. Don't let her put her mood on you.
I did this with ds and hey presto he stepped up to the mark and shocked me.

cestlavielife · 28/03/2019 15:21

She has to find it out for herself.

Research a level retake colleges and let her know what the options will be if she fails.

Make sure she is aware of clearing process if her grades are lower come results day....what course is she accepted on ? Her choice?

Worst case is she doesn't get the grades and retake or goes out to work... few years down the line she will make her choices. Get back on track....

Or if it's just getting lower grades than predicted she can go into clearing and still get a uni place.
She has to want to do work for.herself.

LIZS · 28/03/2019 15:52

Same here tapas, there is something to be said for not having them drive!

Original poster

YanTanTethera01 · 28/03/2019 17:15

LIZS and Tapas. You are right, things were more structured when she couldn't drive and spent the entire day at school!

There are contributing factors that are making her slightly depressed. Her friendship group fractured when a couple of them reached 18 and now they aren't interested in anything that doesn't involve drinking so consequently she doesn't see them much.

We don't have any family and she has no relationship with her dad who lives abroad through choice. I think it's hurting her that he doesn't even acknowledge her, ask if she's ok or anything. It was made worse when he withdrew all the money from an account he opened for her with an inheritance from her grandma. She accepted a place at a university overseas but then found he'd taken the money so had to turn it down.

I know there are factors in her life that would get most people down and she shrugs them off as best she can but I think underneath all the bravado, it hurts her a lot.

She doesn't think she's good enough for her top choice university (needs A*AA) and doesn't see the point in going to another uni if she can't achieve it. I think uni would be the making of her in all sorts of ways. She has it in her to study hard and when she wants something, she normally goes full throttle for it but has been in this rut for a couple of months now and I really don't want her to throw her education away.

OP posts:

Ferrovairio · 28/03/2019 17:22

Scrap what I said before, I think Cristina Yang’s post is more pertinent. Can she have some private counselling (quicker than any referral) to help get her past this hump? My step son was struggling this time last year, and he didn’t work as hard as he should have, didn’t achieve his potential at a level, but the uni of his choice let him in anyway.

How far away is the uni she likes? Would it be possible to do a cheap overnight away there so she is reminded it is a real possibility?

Original poster

YanTanTethera01 · 29/03/2019 00:37

She is going to have an overnight stay at her backup uni next Thursday to see if she likes it. It means flying up on her own but she doesn't seem bothered about that. I think if she meets up with other people who are going, it might give her some motivation to get her head down.

In terms of private counselling, although I buy into the idea, I'm not sure I could sell it to her and for her to have enough time to work through some of the issues she's facing.

OP posts:

Ferrovairio · 30/03/2019 00:06

Sounds like you are doing what you can to help her pick up a gear and focus.

I would chat to her about the idea of counselling; not emphasising the ‘working on yourself ‘ askpect, but just giving her anottadult to express her feelings too, as there is only the 2 of you. I’m sure most courses of counselling start with a period of discharging ‘stuff’ that has accumulated. Even if it goes no further, this could still be beneficial to her. If she is having unwanted thought which are holding her back, counselling can help with this, just by identifying that that is what is happening, and a few strategies for spotting it and not getting unconsciously caught up in it.

Hope she enjoys the trip. What’s her subject?

Original poster

YanTanTethera01 · 02/04/2019 01:07

Thanks Ferrovario.

She's hoping to study Chemistry or Molecular Physics depending on which two universities she chooses.

She seems to be a bit better this week. Has been out with a friend tonight and seems fired up for her trip to Edinburgh on Thursday. Let's hope it was just a blip.

OP posts:

Ferrovairio · 03/04/2019 21:23

Wow, I’m rooting for your dd. I love hearing of young women studying science!

Hope she has a great trip to Edinburgh.

I have found that as a general rule, people who are struggling and having an emotional time, it can be really helpful to just validate their emotions and express that you are not surprised they feel that way.

The educational world is soooo competitive these days. It’s no surprise your dd is struggling.

Tell her universities will be fighting over her!

Pumpkintopf · 04/04/2019 10:45

Op I thought depression too from your posts about her lack of care of herself, her environment etc, low mood - how is she now? Agree with suggestions around possibly some counselling as a safe space for her to express her feelings.

Original poster

YanTanTethera01 · 04/04/2019 13:16

Ferrovairio

Thanks for that advice. I'll take it on board. We had a long chat last night about life/family/friends/future which got very emotional but I think cleared things up a little in her head. We also discussed her having some therapy as you say Pumpkintopf and perhaps us trying out some alternative healing therapies, even if it's just for a fun experiment.

She has actually had some really flattering correspondence from two of the unis she chose trying to encourage her to firm with them and you're right, it does bolster her up a bit.

One of the issues I think she's trying to come to terms with is that she's set herself such high expectations in terms of choices and the required grade requirements she's now faltering on whether she ever stood a chance of getting in in the first place. I said to her to just do her best then look at her options once her results come in. Two of her choices offer lots of places through clearing and she liked both of them.

OP posts:

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread