Mental illness and going off to UNI....

[GJan]

New to mumsnet... very late to the party so... my daughter is 18 and off to UNI in September. Two years ago she attempted suicide, thankfully failed and when she woke up she was initially pissed off it hadn’t worked but after a few days decided to throw herself into living life and she has achieved that and more. She crammed for a GCSE’s and then accepted at college, doing amazing work and has been accepted to uni to study architecture. I am so proud I could burst and equally absolutely petrified.

Whilst I know in my heart or hearts she is sooo much better now and we’ve found medication that works, she practices mindfulness all the time and very rarely has a “dark day” but we know how to deal with those and they are so few and far between now that they don’t concern me... we all have days sometimes when we can’t face the world and need a sofa day however I worry about her all the time. If I text and she doesn’t answer straight away or she’s at home alone for the night and doesn’t call when she’s supposed to I start to panic that she’s going to try and take her life again and this time succeed.

I have no idea how I’m going to cope when she leaves in September and I can’t check she’s ok, taking her meds properly etc etc... I know I sound like an overprotective mum but I am going to be a nervous wreck.

Any suggestions on how I can deal with this without ruining my relationship with her?

for you - no advice as I'm not quite there yet but I'm sure someone will be along soon

Gosh, you don’t sound overprotective at all given your experience. My ds is at uni and if he doesn’t reply, I get really anxious. He’s actually really good at replying though. Does your dd understand how it makes you anxious? Can you ask her to reply. My friend was really anxious about her dd going to uni, she has always been really dependent on her mum and is quite a difficult character. However, she FaceTimes her mum all the time! Not sure that’s helpful either. Missed the correct bus stop and FaceTimed her mum for the whole route. Will your dd be far away?

OP, go with your DD to see universities and ask about what support different places have in place for students with mental health issues, what social clubs they have, what range of accommodation (would your DD be better in halls with others or a house as less noisy etc.).

Once you have confidence in where your DD is going, you have to start to learn to step back and trust that she is ok. Does your DD have siblings who may be more likely to do "light touch" keeping in touch with her via social media and who can let you know if they're worried? Build up a structure of support for you so you're out in the evening and not thinking / worrying specifically about your DD. Ultimately she is an adult, and as hard as this is, she will now be making decisions about her life. The university can't share anything with you without your DD's permission so there has to be an element of trusting her to go out and make the most of her time at uni, or not, and start to form her own adult life.

I get how terrifying this is for you, if you aren't sure that she's ok, but if you drive to X location every time she doesn't answer the phone, and it's because her phone's died and they have no cash for the electric meter to charge it, you'll annoy her / her flat mates, and worry yourself sick.

DS1 (also 18) wants to go to university this autumn. He has had physical and mental health issues for 5 years. Two friends have sons who became very unwell in their first year at university, so I'm trying to be proactive and discuss with him how he is going to monitor his own health.

• He applied to universities within 100 miles of home so that we can easily visit if he needs extra support.

• I'm encouraging him to take more responsibility for his own health: making appointments, renewing and collecting prescriptions.

• Once he knows which university he is going to (after results day) he plans to email student support to inform them of his health issues and ask what help is available.

• He knows that he needs to register with a local GP as soon as he arrives at university and make an appointment within the first month to discuss his health needs.

• When he turns 19, I will remind him to apply for a prescription charge exemption form for those on a low income.

@GJan all good suggestions by PPs. May I also suggest (from a similar experience) perhaps practicing some mindfulness and coping strategies for yourself? This will be a big, exciting transition for you both but not without its challenges. My mum suffers with depression and had flare ups when I first went to uni and when I went travelling.

I think it's really important for you to make your DD aware of what your expectations are of contact (and keep them reasonable - she'll likely be very busy especially in those first few weeks!) And I'll second a suggestion from a PP about using social media (including any siblings or friends) to keep an eye on things. Find out more about the counselling/mental health services within the university too.

Gjan and thesecond I would say don't wait until the results come out. Contact the disability or mental health services of the first choice university now and discuss the issues and what support is needed. Once the results come out they will be overwhelmed and you may wait ages for an appointment.
It doesn't sound as if it is relevant for your dd OP but the second has your ds considered applying for DSA?

NoHaudin that's a good idea about contacting the firm choice before results (although in reality he is just as likely to go to the insurance choice).

I discussed DSA with him but he was adamant that he didn't want to apply, and I have to choose my battles with him.

I have 2 DDs at university. One of them has had issues with anxiety and initially found living away from home to be a real struggle.

In general, we have found that student services/DD's department/campus GP have been very helpful and much more knowledgeable about MH issues that anything we had access to before she went away. She's had some great treatment there and her mental health is the best it's ever been.

I would recommend using Facebook Messenger to keep in touch, as it tells you when they were last online. I often have a look at it in the morning to see if they're up yet etc - it's a good way of reassuring yourself without alerting them.

Another helpful thing has been a family group chat, which we have found to be a 'light touch' method of maintaining contact. We share funny videos, memes etc as well as news and chat. There's less pressure to respond so you can interact without them feeling you're too involved.

TheSecond it is fine to contact both. Universities would really rather know in advance than be struggling at the beginning of term.

My boys (twins), both having been perfectly well at home, really struggled at uni and I was unimpressed with how both uni’s handled - or more to the point didn’t handle their issues. So my advice would be to have long and in depth discussions with the welfare/pastoral care side of whichever uni your dd gets to. They are very careful to protect student confidentiality so you’ll more than likely need to get your dd’s consent if you want to be made aware of things.

OP ask your dd to text you each day even if it’s just a text saying xx. It will take her a second to do. My dd does this and it is massively reassuring.