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Further education

You'll find discussions about A Levels and universities on our Further Education forum.

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Original poster

Parents evening shock tonight!

44 replies

Mincepiedout · 14/12/2017 06:43

DS is 17, first year A levels. He's taken maths, chemistry and biology after excellent results at GCSE. He flew his GCSEs confidently with little work and was quite cocky about it all too!

DH and I went to his first parents evening at 6th form today to be told from each of his tutors in every subject that he's simply not working hard enough. He fails every topic test first time, revises like hell and passes the resign with no problem. He does the bare minimum of work outside of school preferring to lay on his bed watching YouTube videos or playing the Xbox.
I had the feeling he wasn't doing much work in the evenings but whenever he's pulled up on it I'm told I don't know what I'm talking about but tonight it's been confirmed if he doesn't pull his socks up he'll leave school wit his 3 poor a level results.
He has no direction which doesn't help, he's not sure he wants to go to uni, he's doesn't know what job he wants to do either. He has no idea of the real world at all, he's going to have a shock when he gets out there.
Any ideas how I can manage the situation? He's a strapping 6ft lad who I can't physically make work, anyone have any advice so we can turn this around before he wastes the next few years?

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 20/12/2017 11:16

And Lonicera I assume she's putting the effort in with her A levels - which the OP's DS is not. Sounds like shes busy enough to me!

DianaT1969 · 20/12/2017 11:34

Do you give him money? Buy his clothes/toiletries/pay for driving lessons?
I'd stop that. As you say, he needs to adjust to the real world. If he wants things he'll need to get a part-time job. I didn't take pocket from 15 years onwards because I had a weekend job. Have always loved the buzz of earning my own money and making new friends through work. I can't see any downside to him getting work experience now.

LoniceraJaponica · 20/12/2017 12:53

Yes she is Bit. Not as much as I think she should, but I don't want to add to her stress. She is in the middle of A level mocks. She pulled it out of the bag for GCSEs and AS levels, and I hope she manages it for A levels. She is aiming high and I know she would be desperately disappointed if she misses.

QuiteLikeable · 20/12/2017 13:18

But Lonicera if money was really an issue, then confidence would cease to be an issue, wouldn't it? Confidence is really a bit of a luxury that some people don't have the option to 'build up' before they require money.

I'd tell him it's PT job and real studying or FT job, and real life.

He really can't just retreat from the world and the very limited responsibilities he has by treating you like shit, OP.

LoniceraJaponica · 20/12/2017 13:32

I'm not sure. DD is on medication for anxiety. Just now she would probably rather stay at home with no money than get a job.

TheFrendo · 20/12/2017 13:39

I think BitOutOfPractice has it right,

He can't have it both ways - not working at school and not getting a job...

He is not supposed to know his life's purpose or have a big clear plan mapped out. He does need to work at what he is doing.

QuiteLikeable · 20/12/2017 13:41

Yes, that's a bit of a different situation.

LoniceraJaponica · 20/12/2017 14:13

Sorry to derail the thread BTW

Ilovecamping · 20/12/2017 14:43

My DD is extremely clever and thrived in school until 6th form, when her Maths teacher retired (he kept pushing her and made her believe she could do anything), unfortunately when he left she was lost and became bored (her words) and decided to leave school. She previously had plans to go to Uni and then to teach. We weren't judgemental with her, we gave her time, she ended up working in bank continuing to study within the work environment. All you can do as a parent is point out the choices and consequences.

Original poster

Mincepiedout · 20/12/2017 15:42

We pay for clothes, toiletries (body spray every few weeks..) school lunch money, haircuts, driving lessons etc. He doesn't go anywhere to spend any other money so he saves birthday and xmas money (he gets a lot from family) and spends that on Xbox games or Microsoft points.

His world spans as far as school and our home, that's half the problem, he doesn't have to work as everything he needs is provided and his world is small, no socialising etc.

OP posts:

QuiteLikeable · 20/12/2017 16:31

Stop providing everything then?

blackeyes72 · 11/03/2018 11:37

I am sorry but I would be taking the Xbox off him. Your house your rules. It might not work but it sends the message that he doesn't get funded for sitting around playing games.

BlueBelle123 · 12/03/2018 08:15

The only way for anything to change is to make a change and as your DS clearly isn't going to then the change has to come from you. I think you should withdraw all luxuries especially the driving lessons and actively try and encourage him to get a part time job this will help open his eyes to the real world.When DD got a part time job whilst doing A levels she was shocked at how rude people could be and how tiring it was standing up all day and only being paid the bare minimum........but it certainly focused her mind on her A levels and gave her confidence.

If you carry on doing everything for your DS he will continue to be a child and unwittingly you are stopping him from growing up, why does he need to when you provide everything he needs and you say he talks to you like dirt so he can show you no respect and still you provide.......you really need to step back and look at the messages you are sending him.

Bobbiepin · 12/03/2018 08:24

I'm sorry but your son is almost a legal adult and you're treating him like a child. Stop providing everything especially driving lessons and start treating him like an adult with responsibilities. I can't stand the school system that will push children through for the sake of results, they learn nothing. He needs to learn to fail OP. If that means he doesn't pass his AS and needs to resit year 12 then so be it, he has to take responsibility for himself. Also if he wants to continue driving he'll have to stop spending his money on xbox related things.

CookPassBabtridge · 12/03/2018 09:15

I remember fnd

BitOutOfPractice · 12/03/2018 11:31

Zombie thread. No idea why it was bumped

Sweetheart · 12/03/2018 11:39

I agree with everyone saying stop providing him with everything. My dd is 17 - apart from her phone bill which she will take over on her 18th birthday she pays for everything. She brought her car, her driving lessons, her insurance, her clothes - everything!

She had a Saturday job, did some voluntary coaching and babysitting all alongside her GCSE's. It opened up her world, made her interact with lots of different people in different circumstances and taught her how to be a responsible adult. It also gave her experience of who she wants to be / what direction she wants to take in life.

How can kids find out who they want to be sitting in their bedroom playing on an Xbox?

Draylon · 15/03/2018 12:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cowardlycustard2 · 15/03/2018 12:49

Getting B grades in Sciences at GCSE and then taking A levels in Chemistry and Biology was always going to be a non starter. If he carries on with those subjects chances are he will get very low grades or fail. Yes he needs to buck his ideas up but it sounds like he has not had good advice either. What does he want to do in the future?

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